originally attempted to post on 1/16 on the other blogger. here it is.

yes, its true, i returned to athens this past weekend. im sure word has spread globally, and many of you are still reeling from the news. at any rate, here is a brief recount of the evening.the biller and i raced to danimals house, and both arrived promptly at like 9:03. we went inside, where we all stared at each other for several moments before deciding to head downtown and begin boozing. bout damn time. the plan was to begin at wild wing, as usual, with some food to go with our booze, and we were thrilled to get a spot like right across from wild wing, but were soon saddened as we learned that the fucking place is closed for like a month for remodeling. what the hell? there was nothing wrong with the first modeling, why attach a re to it. so of course its like five below with the wind blowing, and me without my parka. so the walk around town looking for another spot to eat pretty much blew. but finally we land at the grill, cause its always open, and the secenery is always interesting to say the least. somehow i got stuck on the same side of the table as the biler, but he only grabbed my balls like 4 times, and usually he aims for double digits, so it could have been worse. we ate, and then we left. that part was boring, so i thought id make it as quick and painless as possible for you oh so patient reader types. and now, we shall move right along. we decided to start the evening at molly osheas, which is also pretty routine for an athens trip. that bar seems to blow now though, as far as scenery is concerned, so we didnt plan to stay long. we find a table, and start pounding. the plan, by the way, is for dan to hang til like 1230 and then ditch us for his wife, at which point we will begin an all out assault to find dirtbags to take us home, or start rationing cash to leave us enough to get a cab back to danimals place, which is like three continents away, so the cab ride wouldnt be cheap. by 1230 we are still sitting in the same bar, but the waitress with the boobs prominently on display is humouring us by sitting down and chatting, and calling us hot, and basically doing her best to weasel a good tip from the creepy old dudes we have become. so needless to say, dan is still firmly planted in his seat, and has in fact become quite comfortable in it, comfortable enough in fact to have removed the wedding ring on his finger and ooze the same sort of charm that characterizes those men that never get laid. i myself taught him everything he knows. we continue to regale our waitress (19 years old, but just barely) with stories of our drunken nights in creswell, and of doug passing out twice in one night in the same shower, the second time fully clothed, and she appears to be entertained enough to continue flirting for her tip at least, which is more than i can say for many of the waitresses we have come across in the past. at this point i have begun to steer the poor girls attention towards the biller, and am quite sure that billers swan song will be his attempt to pick up the check, so all in all its well worth my while to send her his way. this does in fact prove to be the case, and when the check comes the biller hurries to cram his credit card in the little slot and send the girl off with it. the biller has always been quite the tipper when theres a woman to impress, and he certainly doesnt disappoint in this case, and decides to personally deliver the check and make his move at the same time. apparently she is not completely grossed out by such a move, even though we made it a point to show her the picture on billers credit card in which he looks like a 1970 ringo starr at the dmv. she gives the biller a number and we make like a newborn and head out (the best i could do, i swear). the biller finally tells us what the number he recieved is, and we proceed to mock him at length, as the number is so fake sounding as to be almost possible, since only a retard would give such a phony sounding number (it consists of three area codes and a 9). we head back to dans, where the biller and i pee in the yard and turn right around and head to waffle house. we eat the late night equivalent of filet mignon (a patty melt and hashbrowns) and are served by what must be the loveliest 80 year old toothless hag in the world. i of course pick up the check to at least make the gesture of paying back the biller for the large bar tab. we head back to danimals (who at some point ive renamed dadimal, as he has become far too old for me to cope with), and im quite sure that at some point i call billers new number just to see if it rings. it rings twice and i hang up, though we remain uncertain. surely we will fnd out soon, as he'll never manage to wait the prescribed six days. i drop the biller off and head home, making a drunk call or two as i drive, tryng to stay awake at four am while listening to whatever the ipod comes up with. on the whole, a rather uneventful evening in the classic city, but a starting point for my return to greatness. maybe one day ill spend more than like 7 hours there and maybe even round up a couple of the usual suspects for a real barnstorming. when that happens, ill be sure to let you know. for now, i leave you.

here it is, straight from a ms word file. apologies for any odd formatting. its the best i can do since the old blogger started doing crazy shit.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
yo
dig it
posted by d @ 10/04/2005 09:23:00 PM 12 comments
Saturday, October 01, 2005
soon enough
things are finally in motion folks. i am becoming more and more attched to the idea of finding new things to do next year. my great american satire has begun. it shall be a towering literary achievement. the pile of papers to grade grows taller everyday. i am very proud of it. it will soon began playing in little league games. it shall be the tallest member of the team and will surely hit many long home runs. i am still convinced that the world will end soon. but at least i have a bunch of new cds to listen to while i watch it all go down. gas is too expensive to afford, so i will not be driving anywhere for the forseeable future. do not expect visits. you may of course come see me though. i will murder the next pop up ad that attempts to visit my computer. cold weather coming soon; praise allah. (update: it was a "knock out osama" pop up ad. i knocked it out.) fall rules. im leaving now. good day.
posted by d @ 10/01/2005 11:32:00 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
grading papers
i cant do it. it will be the death of me. or the firing. we shall soon find out.
posted by d @ 9/28/2005 08:04:00 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 23, 2005
4 days
4 day weekend. thank god.anyone wanting to booze it up this weekend should call me soon as i will be loaded before midnight.
posted by d @ 9/23/2005 05:16:00 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
dude
dude, i went to sleep at 5pm last night and didnt wake up til 6 this morning. how awesomely overdue was that coma. anyhow, this mcsweeney's post is pretty quality as are most diaries of inanimate objects. here goes-
THE PHOTOCOMMENTARYOF AN EXPENSIVECAMERA IN THE HANDSOF AN AMATEUR.
BY SEBASTIAN GALLESE
- - - -
OUTDOORS; DOWNTOWNVIEW OF DALLAS; NIGHTTIME
What failed photography student doesn't have this horrible picture in his rejected portfolio? And not a rejected portfolio sent to NYU's Tisch Photography and Imaging School, either. A rejected portfolio sent to the Art Institute of Reno. But wait, I forgot—you never applied to a photography school. You failed Introduction to Visual Communications in middle school. Your background experience involves taking pictures of high-school girls in bikinis in the deep end of the country-club swimming pool with an underwater disposable camera. And you were too scared to develop those pictures, weren't you?
- - - -
OUTDOORS; SNOWY PLAINSOF NORTH DAKOTA; SUNLIGHT
There are distinct pink hazes in the sky and you still insist on using the black-and-white film. You think it will add mood to a snow-blanketed field that contains no contrasting colors. You can always use an ultrahard-contrast paper when you develop the picture to bring about your desired artistic affect, but I know you're going to end up taking me to Wal-Mart to get this printed out on butcher paper.
- - - -
INDOORS; CANDID SHOTS AT HOUSE PARTYIN NORMAN, OKLAHOMA; ARTIFICIAL LIGHT
Dear God, the camera manual clearly states that you must place objects to photograph more than 1 meter from the lens, yet you, after your eighth Keystone, insist on holding the camera 6 inches from you and the girl you have your arms around. I could be working with the next Ansel Adams, exposing nature's beauty, defining our future generation of earth lovers, or taking pictures for the next Tim O'Sullivan, showing America the atrocities and bloodshed of war. Instead, I am documenting your failed attempt to seduce some floozy at your old classmate's housewarming party.
- - - -
OUTDOORS; BLURRED SHOTSOF STOREFRONT LIGHTS IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE; NIGHTTIME
I hope you're not going to show this picture to your friends when you go back home. Not only do you break the rule of thirds (ignoring all focal points) but you captured the least interesting set of peepshow and nude-bar neon signs possible. And no, the blurry lights in the background will not be mistaken for a "shutter-speed adjustment technique"; people will know you had a case of the shakes. Is a tripod that expensive, or did you just forget that when you spend thousands of dollars on a high-class camera, it won't make you a good photographer?
- - - -
OUTDOORS; MARDI GRAS FESTIVALIN NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA; NIGHTTIME
OK, you are at Mardi Gras. All you have to do is turn on the camera and snap a picture of a boob. You don't even have to think about framing it; just a little nip and we're out of here. Oh God, you're experimenting with manual mode. Do you even know what "aperture" means, let alone which f-number to shoot with at night? Jesus, you selected f/8, a.k.a. the black underexposure of death! With that setting, you could take a snapshot of the sun and it would still look dark in the print. I hope you don't plan on posting these pictures on your website.
- - - -
INDOORS; 1-INCH-BY-1-INCH HEADSHOTFOR A FAKE I.D.; ARTIFICIAL LIGHT
This plan amazes me, not only because you believe that a printed portrait shot from your low-quality black-and-white ink-jet printer will work as a photo I.D. but also because you think you can pass yourself off as a citizen of Nicaragua even though you can't pronounce the country's name correctly. I know, I know, you will never take an Adamson and Hill self-portrait, but is it too much to ask for you to actually read my light meter and adjust the shutter? I don't want to sound condescending, but I think if you unrolled a spool of unused film, the sun would expose a better picture.
- - - -
INDOORS; A PICTURE OF YOU AND YOUR BODY PARTS THAT NOBODY WANTS TO SEE; ARTIFICIAL LIGHT
I can only pray to God my lens breaks before you are allowed to take a picture of this. I hate my meaningless life.
posted by d @ 9/21/2005 06:16:00 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 19, 2005
somebodys got a case of the modays
i am cooking lasagna. it will be quite tasty. i need something tasty. i am refusing to grade papers today. i must also go out and buy more beer. i have run out. i think i may drink heavuly tonight, just because i can. hmm, drinking alone is supposed to be bad, isnt it? fuck it. beer pleases me. i will go to the package store and find something exotic. or at least something i havent had yet here at the apartment. my collection needs a new bottle or two. any suggestions? mmm, beer beer beer. well, i must be off now to watch pti. im sure ther will be another post soon. or not. we shall see.
posted by d @ 9/19/2005 05:29:00 PM 0 comments
Sunday, September 18, 2005
anyone hiring?
i need a new job. i cannot teach any longer.now for more fun- some signs that god hates me:
i got stuck with that class and lost my planning period (old stuff i know; dont worry, more coming)
my car has no ac, and i hate being hot
i graded my life away last week (like 70 hours)
i have that damn class every thursday until like 9pm- that makes a 15 hour work day not counting grading. horseshit.
my fantasy football team features second round pick dante culpepper at qb- he has now thrown for 0 touchdowns and 8 interceptions. he has also fumbled twice.
i was told i would be getting rid of my extra class tomorrow. of course that fell through and im stuck with them until christmas.
at school we all ordered supplies at the same time a couple of weeks ago. on friday everyone else's came. mine didnt.
on friday night i tried to go out and get carlson, who was in town, before heading to the highlands. on 285, right under the 85 overpass where there are no exits for like a mile and a half, traffic completely stopped. i was stuck there for an hour and a half.
the fucking snake keeps trying to bite me.
i have an angry parent conference at 7am tomorrow morning. what a way to start the week.
there's surely more, but this shit is making me angry, so im gonna stop now.anyhow, back to the point at hand- does anyone know of a better job that will hire an unqualified and miserable human being? if so, please let me know. id love to hear about it.my next blog will be happier, i promise. it may be a while.
posted by d @ 9/18/2005 09:50:00 PM 0 comments
Thursday, September 08, 2005
thursday suck
just sat through 4 of the most broing hours worth opf shit in the history of the world. gonna quit my job in the middle of the year. new blackalicious album in like 2 weeks. this pleases me. thats all ive got the energy for. out.
posted by d @ 9/08/2005 10:35:00 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
underwhelming
not a whole lot to say, but a tidbit here and there for good measure. so lance is thinking about another go round simply to spite the french; gotta love that shit. my schedule gets even shittier this week with a class until 830 on thursday, that makes a fucking 14+ hour day folks. thats too much for a teachers salary. furthermore, i need more money, as the cable company seems intent on bleeding me dry. the beer trip needs to get out of the idea stage and into the planning stage or i am going to have to continue working for more than this year, which is unacceptable. this job thing is not for me, and quite frankly, i refuse to let it kill me slowly. i would much prefer the beer to kill me rapidly. at least thats more fun. anyhow, its already past my bedtime, so im gonna mosey on into the bedroom and pass the fuck out. later bitches.
posted by d @ 9/06/2005 10:36:00 PM 0 comments
Thursday, September 01, 2005
what the fuck is going on?
the world is definitely out of fucking wack. the part about the dog in this article may be one of the saddest things ive ever fucking read. be warned.http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050901/ap_on_re_us/hurricane_katrina_36
posted by d @ 9/01/2005 05:20:00 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
armageddon
signs that the world is about to end, and not a moment too soon for me.we are in a "war for oil" and yet people are lined up around the block to pay 3 bucks a fucking gallon, and apparently that will soon be cheap.this mess in iraq.the gulf coast is practically gone.my entire life has turned to shit.but hey, at least weve got this going for us.tomorrow i think ill just refuse to wake up. who's with me?
posted by d @ 8/31/2005 04:06:00 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
urgent proposal
stolen form mcsweeney's. i may soon be forced to make an urgent proposal of my own.
URGENT PROPOSAL.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
- - - -
Good day, sir and madam,
I received your contact information through a reliable source in my search for a trustworthy person who will assist me in an urgent business proposition. Also, you are my parents, and your e-mail address is under the easily accessible nickname of "The Rents." Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am TEDDY WAYNE of New York City, the son you raised in your household for 18 years (the second of three, so you might not remember me that well) and have seen off and on for the past eight, often at graduations and holiday dinners.
My situation is dire. Recently, my freelance writing work has dried up, and as my credit is no longer considered "good," I cannot access my previously earned monies. However, as a freelance writer from 2001 to 2004, I earned upwards of $37.4 million copyediting, substitute-teaching, and temping. While you may be skeptical of this figure, as I got free dinners off you whenever possible, frequently did my laundry in your home, and rarely had health care during that time, it is verifiable through my extravagant spending at area bars. Before my credit went "bad" and my accounts were "frozen," I secretly deposited this money in a special "passbook" savings account at Citibank at 1.2 percent interest. This means that the $37.4 million has accrued in value since then, although I'm not really good enough with money to know by how much.
As my next of kin, you will be allowed to take control of the account if you can prove that I have fled the country and have no intention of returning. My urgent proposal is this. You will purchase me a one-way plane ticket to your choice of the following destinations: Ibiza, Spain; Melbourne, Australia; or Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. You will also furnish me with $20,000 in cash, a large backpack, and a Nalgene water bottle. Once I am safely abroad, I will write an e-mail home to the effect that I am having a blast backpacking across Europe/Australia/South America, have married my new wife Maria/Julie/Railene, and have no intention of ever coming back to the boring, bourgeois "United Waste." This pun will indicate my great distaste for America and should prove to American officials my seriousness in not returning. If this is insufficient, I will attach a digital photo of me kissing Maria/Julie/Railene, who will be hot. At this point you will be able to access the "passbook" savings account, and you shall transfer 50 percent of the money to your own account and send the rest to me. Hell, take 75 percent while you're at it. What's a little money between estranged relatives?
Of course, this would mean that once the transaction is complete we will never be able to correspond again. This means no phone calls, no letters, and certainly no forwarded e-mails of bad, obvious jokes about President Bush. To ensure your financial security for the rest of your lives, I am willing to make this profound sacrifice.
If you want to proceed with this transaction, please reply with the usernames and passwords of your online banking accounts, so that I can make the $20,000 transfer on my own. If you are circumspect about providing the usernames and passwords over e-mail, just hint if they're some combination of the names of our dogs over the years. If you do not accept my offer, please treat it with utmost confidentiality (i.e., don't tell Grandma, as I'll probably ask her next). Even though we weren't raised religious, I'm trusting you as a God-fearing person who will not sit on my life-saving fund and deprive me of the chance of creating beautiful babies in a sun-splashed paradise.
Yours faithfully,
Teddy WayneFormer freelancer/your sonNew York City
posted by d @ 8/30/2005 05:16:00 PM 0 comments
Saturday, August 27, 2005
fuck this week pt. 2
my bank account is overdrawn.my car ac doesnt work anymore.i am hungry and i have no food.this fucking blog wont post because "there were errors"i give up.
posted by d @ 8/27/2005 01:39:00 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
fuck this week
this week fuckin blows. my job has ceased being enjoyable and is now just another fucking burden. im ready for the scandalous roadtrip. i need booze. i have once again begun downloading underground hip hop online. gotta love itunes. i feel a creative flourish coming on soon; hopefully everything else in my life doesnt totally overwhelm it. really gotta get crackin on the great american novel. greenwood and i must get moving on the beer trip plans. cant deal with another year of lost planning periods and obnoxious parents and ridiculous decrees from those who are nowhere near my overflowing classrooms and piles of ungraded essays. i think its almost time for my daily smoothie, then bed. im fucking exhausted and likely wont last through tomorrows mental acrobatics. i be gone.
posted by d @ 8/24/2005 09:57:00 PM 0 comments
Sunday, August 21, 2005
tommy lee goes to college
i am currently watching said show on vh1. it may be the greatest reality show yet. few things are more entertaining than watching tommy lee attempt to comprehend chemistry and physics. i recommend it to everyone. commercial over. adios.
posted by d @ 8/21/2005 01:40:00 PM 0 comments
fantasy football
i have started a league at espn. it is free. it is also private, so i have to invite you. however, i need people and i need them quickly. so let me know if you want to be in the league by emailing me at magicnumber12@yahoo.com. that is all for now bitches. hopefully more soon.
posted by d @ 8/21/2005 12:48:00 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
bended
i have been on a four day bender. this is my sober day off. i mean, i guess i didnt drink yesterday, but since it was still heavy in my blood from the previous evenings, i count today as the sober day. granted, this will be shattered in like two hours when i go to this english department throwdown or whatever and have to inhale copious amounts of booze to deal with hanging out with old folks. i have no time for details at the moment, but i will tantalize what remains of my audience with a few juicy tidbits.i cannot drive a manual transmission and yet did so with the help of a drunk kevin hare last friday night. i now consider myself a master driver.saturday night was spent in athens where i discussed knockoff watches with a dude from ghana, told the bouncer it was my birthday as he was handing me back my id which clearly states that my birthday is may 29th, watched kevin hit on some chick from auburn who looked thoroughly disinterested in his shit, but who nonetheless came with us and her friend to waffle house and then invited us to hang out afterward. i got home at 7 that morning. carlson came to town; nothing else notworthy about that.i have been relieved of my duties at camp hell, where i had been dealing with legions of satans spawn for too many hours of each day for the last couple of weeks. thank the lord that i have been spared the remainder of that trial.school starts for me again on monday. a week of workdays or some such shite, and i should be hungover much of the time. i have too much booze left at the apartment. swing by if youd like to consume some with yours truly. for now, i remain, uninspired, and thus blogless.
posted by d @ 7/27/2005 02:26:00 PM 1 comments
Thursday, July 14, 2005
comeback trail
i must begin blogging again, i know. this will be the first of what will hopefully become many. i have moved however, and have no computer or internet access, so i have to break into my parents house to use this internet. this is me making excuses. i will be back at school soon though, with a whole 2 hour planning period to kill, so the blogging will pick up. at the current moment, nothing exciting is happening to me. i did avoid a dui last week though, pure luck, nothing else involved. anyhow, check back folks, more updates coming, and more scandalous info if i have anything to say about it.
posted by d @ 7/14/2005 12:52:00 PM 1 comments
Saturday, April 02, 2005
must rebuild
i will be spending quite some time rebuilding my blog since its all fucked up. bear with me, it may take a while.
posted by d @ 4/02/2005 08:03:00 PM 0 comments
Friday, April 01, 2005
i am a moron
Monday, March 21, 2005
*insert excuse here*
i know. ive gotta do better than this. though certainly the world knows by now that it should expect nothing from me, and deal with the uninspired ramblings it gets. anyhow, what follows is a short post about my domination in the tourney so far, my night on the town in athens, and little else.the tourney is my bitch. i guess really the tourney pick em group started by carlson is my bitch, but whatever. some quick stats- i am leading said pool by like 40 points, which may not sound like a lot, and indeed for a moment i was worried about being caught from behind. but then i noticed a little field labled PPR- standing of course for "possible points remaining", which should essentially tell us how real my chances of winning are. carlson, my nearest competitor has exactly 680 ppr, which aint half bad. he should however be crushed to see that i still have a grand total of 1000 ppr, which means i will certainly destroy him in the weeks to come. anyhow, this is boring even me, not to mention what horrendous karma gloating shall bring upon me. anyhow, moving on...so on saturday, inspired by the biller and his planned adventure, i decide to head to athens to visit the danimal in his natural habitat. after arriving round 6ish we make for wild wing for some dinner at oh, say 7ish. needless to say, the beer was flowing. we had no specific plans for the evening and ended up staying for quite some time at wild wing- eating, drinking, and merrymaking of course- i had to switch sides of the table as some dude in my line of sight spent entirely too much time with his hands stowed away in his armpits while somehow managing to still entertain the two ladies at his table all by himself. this was too much to take (though the company he was keeping was not impressive at all), what with the whole armpit posture and all, so soon after switching sides of the table we head off to barhop it up. being old and fat, we are not exactly the hoppers we once were. we land in molly o'sheas, where the beer tastes beery and the tv is close and showing basketball. i of course would love to see a west virginia upset since it would make me look like a prognosticating god (see above), and so we cannot leave until all overtime periods have been played and wake forest has been thoroughly pittsnogled. by this point we all have a decent buzz i am sure, and are again ready to at least make another short hop, so we head off with little specific direction in mind. we decide to head to boars head, but dan and billy get sidetracked when we pass flanagan's as a bachelorette party heads into said bar. with a two to one vote, a u-turn is decided upon. i do not like flanagan's, but since it was pretty much dead as a possum playing dodge the buick, it wasnt as awful as usual. billy has at this point i believe called joes sister and chris bruce's sister in hopes of hooking up with their slutty friend who he tried to flirt with last time, but had little success as she instead favored the company of many intoxicating beverages, and didnt last long enough to be assaulted by touchy mcfeely himself. anyhow, we stand there in the mostly empty bar watching the antics of this group of girls who are apparently scavenging up a list of items on a sheet one holds in her hand. upon hearing that they are looking for a will, old origami volunteers the biller, who upon hearing the news that he was a will was quite taken aback, until he realized that is, that billy and will are both short for william, which he is indeed. that settled, he poses for a picture with the group of debutantes, then lets them hurry on their way. they scatter and reconvene at odd intervals; its kind of like watching a bunch of ants rebuild their hill after a twelve year old d steps in it while mowing the lawn. anyhow, one asks me if i have a condom, to which i offer an answer of "if only," and she rapidly heads back to the hill to report the futility of her search to the queen. dan has at this point been up well past his bedtime, so he bids us adieu and exits stage left, since the younger williams and the younger bruce and their crew have shown up and promise us a ride and a place to stay if need be. the danimal gone but not forgotten, and the slutty friend of the youngers williams and bruce (heretofore to be abbreviated tywb, or tyw and tyb respectively) nowhere in site, the biller abondons plan a and veers immediately into plan b (which shall be known as mission "do as i say, not as i do" or "the derosa- v2"), which basical entails billy attempting to woo the younger bruce.i will at this point pause to bring you the story of my first visit to the lovely facilities at flanagan's. nothing graphic though i promise (cue disappointed groans). i enter the loo only to be greeted by anonymous black man with hat who looks at me and says disapprovingly "you aint got no hos with you," looks at the next dude he sees, repeats himself, moves on to dude three, who he apparently judges to have some talent, and wobbles on out of the powder room. he has apparently been powdering his nose at some point that evening as he seems much more high than drunk. anyhow, after my meet and greet with such a fine gentleman and scholar i head back to the table to visit with old three-and-out and company.back to the narrative at hand. biller continues to flirt with tyb while drinking. i continue to stare at the wall and give the old heisman stiff arm to any females entering a three foot radius, as it seems more fun for me on this particular night to do. a parade of seriously sketchy individuals comes and goes from any empty spots at the table we occupy. final one sketchy individual decides to call our table his own. he is of course the anonymous black man from the little boys room. he apparently knows tywb and has come with them to the bar. of course. he sits down and surveys the people around him. he makes some lovely smalltalk ("fuck you") with those at the table before turning to me and saying "I already met you." i should remind you here that he is fucking blasted and is talking slow, spitting, slurring, and cursing all at the asme time so that his speech is more hodgepodged gibberish than anything else. i tell him that he hasnt met me per se, but instead insulted me while in the holiest of all rooms. he mutters something, and i attempt to disengage from this conversation. he however, seems interested only in continuing his verbal onslaught and giving me im-about-to-fucking-hit-you-in-the-nose looks to drive his points home. he amuses me somewhat, while also making me want to like move my wallet to my front pocket. my approach is of course to just stare back at him until he tires of staring at a face obviously made to be shared with the rest of the room. finally last call rings out and we get set to skedaddle. unfortunately we must take odell or steve (he apparently goes by both) home with us, as his ride is passed out on tywb's couch. so off we go, and before long are at the home of tywb, where we must awaken odells ride or be stuck with him all night long. needless to say, she is awake in a matter of seconds. we try to shove them out the door, but are lectured first by odell steve about not laying a hand on either of our two hosts. i of course, in an effort to ingratiate myself to old odellsteve before he goes, rearrange his directive into a rhyming couplet: "put in a movie/ dont touch the booty." a slant rhyme i admit. he likee though. so odellsteve exits with a great deal of panache, and we pull out the old sofa bed for me to lay my head. at this point the plan is for the biller to rest there as well, but no one in the apartment actaully thinks that will be the case. and so i remove another beer form its wrapper and continue to indulge while sandy heads upstairs to seal the deal or whatever. tyw shows me how to operate the vcr (as i am a good boy and will be heeding odellsteve's advice), and retires to her room. i sit up a bit and watch blow, up to the part where it gets boring to me, after the wife dies. soon enough i am laying down preparing for restful slumber. but no rest will come on such an unfriendly sleeping surface. but wait, there is a perfectly good, unoccupied bedroom right upstairs. but alas, we have been directed to stay out of that room, for its inhabitant is an unfriendly beast when her territory is breached. so i head into tyw's room to basically plead my case, and hopefully gain entrance into the forbidden room. she is quite inebriated however, and i guess a bit confused, and misunderstands my request. she says, "um, ok, you stay here, i'll go out there." and she gets up and leaves. hmm. not exactly what i had in mind, but a big empty real bed nonetheless. so i crawl in and make myself at home. i hear her after one or two minutes of attempted sofa-bed tolerance head up the stairs to the forbidden room herself. i awake in the morning feeling like quite the asshole for kicking the poor young girl out of her bed, but she insists she was too drunk to mind sleeping upsatirs instead. the biller eventually emerges from tyb's room and we call the warden to come pick us up. soon we are on our way back to danimal's abode, and soon after that i am headed back to the atl. and everyone lived happily ever after, except billy who has to call chris bruce and explain himself, but like i always say, better him than me. the end.
posted by d @ 3/21/2005 01:30:00 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
one minute man
a very quick recap of some recent happenings in the life of the chelf-team we'll spot you 20 was badly defeated this weekend, seemingly giving up entirely after the first quarter, at which point we were winning 7-4. fucking kids have no heart.joined a gym with greenwood. raquetball wore my ass out on friday. nasketball wore my ass out last night. should be shedding some poundage here soon.bowling has started up again. greenwood has set out to sabotage our efforts by setting his handicap (the handicap will get everyone to 210) at like 2 to start the season. seriously, 2 games over 200! what the fuck! i however was thinking long term when i bowled a 93 in the second game. fucking greenwood.school- BAH! can i quit yet? this job thing really blows.nap today. i love naps.fantasy baseball starting soon. keeper league. get to keep jake peavy from round 11 last year. what a fucking steal.thats all folks.
posted by d @ 3/8/2005 07:35:00 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
greatest hits- volume 2
i dont want to hear it. i know it has been quite some time since my last blog, and even that one was uninspired, but honestly, are any of you fuckers doing any better? i thought not. so now, a quick update before i proceed to do what all great artists do while waiting for brilliance to strike them again (i almost had a hernia when i was in best buy the other day and saw some woman in front of me buying the greatest hits collection from the oh so revolutionary talents known as b2k. seriously, theyve had hits? and more than like 3 of them? give me a fucking break). i will do my best to pick out some quality shite from the last year or so, but honestly i may only make it to like may, and then quit. i warn you now.but first, an update. so team half a chance is now like 2-8. the two wins were some good stuff. still though, after the last game we played (the first playoff game, i might add, in a double elimination tournament) i may change their name to "team we'll spot you 20". i really thought my head was going to explode at one point i got so mad. the gym like magically got quiet at that point too, and so my howard dean like scream ended up like ringing off the walls and shit. i was so mad at half time i wouldnt even speak to my team. fucking 12 year olds. and then i get a report of some ass bag parent who ive never even seen before (way to support the kid there douche, only come to one game all year) criticizing my lineup. apparently he thought i should have put my five best playes on the floor for the first quarter and the five shittiest for the second. brilliant. might as well field an armless team for quarter two; theyd be finding ways to like dribble it off of the back of their own head and out of bounds. not to mention the league rules and the whole esteem issue. what a dick. so then of course, right as i am set to just fucking walk out of the gym in the third quarter (down 25), my team decides to put on some ungodly rally and come back to within 3 fucking points with a minute left. so then i decide that the game is actually winable, and i should tell the fuckers what to expect, which is the same thing ive told them like 47 times now: number 12 will try to get behind the d after this freethrow and score an easy layup, so dont let him! "ok coach". back to the game. what happens. im sure i do not even have to mention it. fucking 12 year olds. so this week its win or go home time, which should fit "team we'll spot you 20's" personality. maybe we'll even win. im sure i will let you know.little else remarkable has happened since my last post, so fuck it. im sick of typing anyhow. cut and paste time. here goes-
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
"...i hear kary and heather are both quitting at miss katies. this means that no one in charge will know that i am not to be asked to work hard at all. lord pork chop stresses for no man but himself. this new boss, whoever he be, better get that straight. maybe they will come crawling to me and offer me 45 dollars an hour. short of that i will only be a server.my legs are going bald..."
Saturday, April 03, 2004
greenwoods birthday
"...so i get to greenwoods apartment at like 8pm. me, greenwood, and the mad russian sit around watching o brother where art thou until ten. at this time the decision is made to leave. i have had only 3 drinks, the russian maybe 2, and greenwood way too many. this is foreshadowing here folks. trouble looms on the horizon...."finally we leave the darkhorse, but not before the bouncer comes in and fucks with me some more. he tells me a story, which i will of course relate to you. it goes a little something like this, and i quote- "once upon a time there were two rabbits. one rabbit sat around all day while the other rabbit hopped around. the rabbit that hopped around got pussy." a lovely story isnt it? needless to say, the first rabbit is me. i hop not...."so our waitress comes out and asks what we would like. greenwood, housed at this point and getting worse, demands two beers, reminiscent of a chelf at the mac. however, unlike at the mac, the waitress had not given kary two beers two seconds before telling greenwood that it was illegal for her to bring two. nonetheless, greenwood continues to demand satisfaction. he is screaming and slurring and pissing the waitress off. we tell her to ignore him, which she cannot do as he will not shutup. she brings him a beer. he chugs and demands a new one immediately. they haggle. his middle finger has now made several appearances. she is furious and hates him with a passion...."moving on- the bad things. after only like 2 beers and much screaming (i have come back to add here greenwoods screaming about his "empty beer" at one point. he picked up a pepper shaker, screamed, "this beer is empty, i need a new one" and fell face first onto the table. his actaul beer was full in front of him.) greenwood has rested his head against the cold brick wall behind him. his eyes are also resting. the waitress is now poking at him by mentioning loudly that she has brought him a new beer. he is cashed, but not to cashed to flick her off, eyes still closed...."greenwood is in rough shape, cashed and snoring. two minutes later greenwood suddenly awakens and leans his head on his arm attempting to look at the ground. he spews. all over his arm. a dude two tables over stands and starts applauding. greenwod throws up his last eight meals. we laugh. the waitress comes out and tells us that this is the highlight of her evening. greenwood falls back asleep in face forward vomiting position. joe comes back out. he slaps greenwood on the back, gives him a pep talk and then proceeds to rub greenwoods head..."
Monday, April 19, 2004
"...ooooo, and of course how could i forget to mention the most disturbing news of the week. ray. why, ray, why. this information is unaccaptable. for those who dont know, ray has turned on us all. i wondered which of my friends would be the first to french a man, now i know. rumpshaker himself enjoying the pleasures of making out with men. figures..."
Monday, September 06, 2004 (apologies, this one's long)
scandalous roadtrip aka its about to get thuggish in here
"...skipping ahead, by like 1230 we have decided that this place is dead anyway, and so we have moved locations, now in front of the frat house where there is like 8 people tailgating. skipping ahead again. billy takes a picture with that mangy piece of shit smokey, jamie is like making the rounds talking to a bunch of men in orange, and eveyone else is proceeding to get obliterated...."by like 5pm, still 3 hours left to kickoff, everyone is fucking ripped. derosa has spent time macking on some girl in purple (which is like 6 billion steps up from that piss ass orange they wear at that place) . dave can no longer be understood due to the thickness of his ever increasing accent. i am ready to go home. jason keep asking if we really need to go to the game. coffield is getting out of control and tyler keeps disappearing to locations unknown. so by the time we start heading for the game we are all pretty much shitfaced. jamie has now changed into his red georgia shirt which is causing all kinds messes. so off we go. we do not make it even 100 yards before we are in the midst of a controversy. heres how it went down-"so we are walking to the stadium, the ten of us, and jamie in his red shirt making an ass of himself. he turns to me and i punch him in the chest because hes wearing a georgia shirt and we are at tennessee. im totally dicking around with him. he whirls back around at me pretending hes gonna fuck me up, still just fucking around, and i say, "dude it wasnt me, it was that guy", and point to some random dude. this is meant to be funny due to the fact that i punched jamie in the chest and thus he totally saw me do it. but this guy apparently doesnt get the joke and starts in on what we dont know at the time will become his fucking mantra. "ive served overseas," which is meaningless to me and makes absolutely no sense in the context of anything that is happening. but anyhow, trying to appear to be social i take the nugget that hes given us about being a marine, and billy joins in, and we tell old pal that tyler is in the navy. this apparently does not impress him as he calls tyler and his fellow marines pussies and calls us pussies and rambles on along. well billy will not stand for this abrupt end to the conversation and attempts to engage this fellow in a dialogue about the tradition and passion surrounding the annual army-navy rivalry game. this oh so sociable chap thinks all of this is hogwash and tells us so in not so many words, by again calling us all pussies and fags and reiterating that he has "served overseas." this is apparently a great distinction from his common man. we should all hope one day to "serve overseas." anyhow, at this point billy gives up as old duder is getting more and more worked up and convinced that we are his "veit-cong"or whatever well armed advesary he faced, and so derosa steps forth to attempt to calm this guy down. it looks for a moment as though derosa has diffused the situation, however looks can be decieving. apparently, old shitbag was not laughing with derosa in a jovial manner as i had assumed, but instead was laughing at derosa and the rest of us in a manner that seemed to suggest that we could not understand him at all because we had not "served overseas" and were in fact causing him great stress and trauma by making him relive his experience at said location and to make things right we were either to swing at him so he could beat us senseless or go home and fuck each other. the latter suggestion was at this point given much more thought at length as he, while walking just ahead of us, now with a gaggle of men he picked up just at the point where it looked like he might get beat down by the 10 of us, enlightened his fellow travellers with tales of what we did in our spare time; i assume "we" were at this point me, coffield, and derosa, since the others seemed to have fallen back a bit. not one to allow others to have any misconcetions when i could just as well educate them of the truth, when asked rhetorically "i wonder which one of them is the bitch and which one is the butch," insisted that I good sir was the bitch and that i was on the recieving end every evening whenever coffield wanted to be the giver. this seemed not to pacify the gentleman, but rather to incite him further, and as we proceeded to the stadium, he became more vocal in his insistence that he had "served overseas" and that we were in fact extremely homosexual. and then for some reason he turned back and seemed to single out derosa and insist that derosa should swing at him so he would have justification to beat derosas ass. derosa meanwhile says that he isnt really in a fighting mood, what with it being sunday and all, but that if the distinguished marine would like to have the honor of throwing the first in a series of blows, then he (derosa) would certainly return the favor. at this point our new friend became adamant that we were disrespecting him and that if anyone should be respected it is he, after all he had "served overseas." perhaps i forgot to mention that right before his verbal assault on derosa he had called us "fucking democrats," to which i of course responded, "yes, we are all big kerry supporters. i love the guy. i hear hes been overseas." this did not have the desired effect of pacifying the man in the orange hat either, and instead incensed him. so as the guy is screaming at derosa and as it is very rapidly looking like we will all be spending the night in jail after a royal rumble, old pals frind comes up to me and asks what the problem is. i tell him, "well your boy there wont shut the fuck up," to which he responds, "thats not my boy. he may be in my fraternity, but he aint my boy." i insist that he is more his than mine at this point, to which he conceeds. he insists that "his boy" is just really drunk. we have been drinking for roughly 10 hours at this point so i tell this mediator that we too are a bit tipsy and to simply remove his breathren from our quadrant as rapidly as possible to avoid the forseeable dispute. he quickly ushers his party away. tyler however, does not see the negotiation or the amicable end of the affair, so he grabs derosa very firmly by the collar and grabs me in a similar manner and yells at us to "stop" because "i am not going to fight this guy tonight," which to be fair tyler, was the whole point of the entire discussion, us simply trying to assure our fellow football fan that we had no intentions of causing him bodily harm. unfortunately, knoxvilles finest were arriving on the scene just in time to see tyler yell and grab derosa and myself, and singled out tyler and derosa for a little chat. i kept walking knowing that to stop would be foolish unless specifically ordered by the boys in blue to do so. jamie meanwhile has gone a bit ahead and is antagonising the crowd by yelling "go vols" in his red georgia shirt. derosa and tyler are ordered to stand with their backs to the brick wall while our heroic officers converse with them. i have since been informed that there was indeed a "good cop" and a "bad cop". as derosa is being lectured by the 5-0 his lady in purple walks right by. i am unaware of whether she noticed derosa in particular (they seemed to have quite a good vibe while tailgaiting and talking, but who's to know really), but honestly, who doesnt take notice of drunk rascals being lectured by the po-po at a football game. finally derosa and tyler are forced to relinquish their tickets and evacuate the premises. we are now down to eight men. we head for our gate to enter neyland stadium. we are seperated. billy and big papa boyd are nowhere to be found when we enter the stadium. we get to the gate. coffield becomes concerned because he does not have his ticket. we go in anyway and attempt to call billy, who had all of the tickets to begin with, to come give coffield his and let him in. coffield is the drunkest of us all. we cannot contact billy, so several of us decide to go find our seats and hope they boyds are thereand then come and retrieve coffield. we find boyd in the stands. he insists that coffield has his ticket. after several minutes on the phone he says he is going to go find coffield and tell him he has his ticket and bring him back to us. we never see the biller again. down to six people at this point. the game begins. roughly hafway through the first quarter jason and dave get up to go to the bathroom. they say they will be right back. we never see them again. down to four. jamie and i leave with three minutes to go in the half. on the way back to the car i stop to puke. i feel better. we are lost though. somehow we find our way back, rediscovering some of our party on the way. billy, coffield, tyler, and derosa are all still missing though. after a tight squeeze out of the parking lot we finally get back to the hotel. i am going to puke again, i can tell. however, i am a man of discipline and know that i can at least make it to my room on the eighth floor of the hotel. i finally get to the elevator. i am close to collapsing and letting vomit just spray where it will. 8 floors to go. on floor 2 the elevator stops. this is no good. a fmaily gets on from the pool. i attempt to stand upright. its rough. the elevator stops on floor 4 to let the family off. TAKE THE FUCKING STAIRS!!! i am very close to regurgitation. i almost follow them off at floor four and use the trash can right outside the elevator. i figure this is bad policy in front of 3 little kids. floor 8 here i come. finally i reach floor 8. i can just make it to the room probably before spewing. i put my key in the lock; please god let it work the first time. i see the little green light. i push it open. the bar lock is on. why in gods name would they lock the fucking bar lock! it comes up. i turn and vomit in the hallway. a lot. i then fight my way vertical and proceed to bang on the door forever. finally derosa stumbles to the door and opens it after some trouble. apparently he too is suprised that that fucking bar lock is on. i pass out soon afterward. a while later tyler comes into the room and jumps on top of me and attempts to hump me. i fall asleep again. i wake up this morning to sounds of someone puking loudly in the bathroom. it is coffield. he says later, "i dont know what happened last night, but i dont really remember going to the game, and i have this unused ticket in my pocket.""it is learned later that coffield wandered alone for a while totally lost. he knows he was lost in a parking deck somewhere riding up and down on the elevator but never finding the exit. derosa and tyler went to a bar and took shots of yager until derosa had to leave to go search random parking decks for coffield. he hars from coffield a little while later when he (derosa) is in a parking deck. coffield says he is now back at the hotel. derosa is told that he is 4 miles from the hotel and so makes a mad dash through knoxville in an attempt to get back before sunrise. tyler meanwhile has left the bar and headed to the tallest building he sees thinking that this must be the hotel. unfortunately the tall building he aimed for is in the opposite direction from the hotel. he too gets lost and is soon accosted by a bum who aks for some spare change. tyelr says, "dude, ill give you 20 bucks if you can tell me how to get to the holiday inn." the bum obliges, as does tyler. all parties leave happy. billy is not seen again that night, but shows up in one piece in the morning, so no one asks too many questions..."
Tuesday, September 21, 2004 (who knew)
turkey
"141-151-164not bad for a day when i couldnt aim or pick up a spare for shit.and a turkey! on the last frame of the last game. finally. i feel like boston would feel if they could beat the yankees. the monkeys off my back. solid."
Thursday, October 21, 2004
observed
"...he says he doesnt believe there is any place in the classroom for sarcasm. wow. i dont believe there is any place in the room for 31 kids, and yet, somehow they fit..."
Thursday, November 04, 2004
heres a fun idea
"go to a random blogger (use the "nest blog" button at the top of my blog page). continue until you find someone who is either bitching or gloating about the election. find a flaw in their reasoning, and simply point it out. do not even mention anything about the other party's candidate. watch the blogee fly off the handle via email or comment thingie. its top notch entertainment. ive been doing it for two days now. and man, when i tell them i didnt vote, because i thought all the candidates were shitbags, they totally lose it and call me names, and insult me for neglecting my civic duty. one called me a shallow narcissist. thats almost redundant, but i guess he really wanted to make his point. i do enjoy giving come hither looks to my reflection in the bathroom mirror. soemtimes i even fondle myself. have i gone to far? too far. ok. done."
Monday, November 22, 2004
"...i have kiddie basketball practice tonight. i aim to win a game this year. i shall keep you posted, but promise nothing. i could have another "team three quarters" on my hands. i know one thing though; they will never go charging into the crowd to flail away at the fans. im out, like ron artest after a trip to detroit."
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
"...i just tried to dress up as an elf. didnt work. apparently i was bulging in the usual places (believe it or not)...."
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
where everybody knows your name
"all- please ask greenwood about his most recent visit to atkins park. this is of course the same bar in the highlands that we visited on chris's birthday and in which he infuriated the waitress by demanding two drinks at once, only to promptly pass out right after billy whips out a benjamin and before said waitress actually arrives with the second drink for his double fisted repetoire. he then proceeds to make like a burst sewer pipe and is applauded by some dude at an adjacent table. this my friends was all in his first trip. his most recent trip to this reknowned watering hole i shall not usurp the pleasure of recounting. suffice to say, it involved falcons football, the giving away of bens seat as a peace offering to a random gaggle of females, and the phrase "nobody's talking to you like that bitch," followed by a deluge of beer upon the aforementioned 'bitch', followed by a personal escort from the premises. dawson and i of course stayed until the game was over, before dawson rolled home down the hill, careening violently into several cars along the way. luckily for greenwood, his neighbors in his new digs are not yet aware of these extracurricular activities, though i am sure they would approve wholeheartedly. until next time, you stay classy atlanta."there you have it, some of the posts that still make me giggle. plus this post looks long, so maybe itll look like i havent been quite the deadbeat ive been lately. i promise no improvement. we shall see.
posted by d @ 3/2/2005 04:34:00 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
oops i did it again
apologies for my recent bloglessness. between ice storm induced power outages, progress reports, and other catastrophies, i have been reduced to little more than a whimpering shell of my former self lately. i would like to promise you great things, but i will not, and you should expect none.topping off the news tonight, the fucking church league has rescheduled kiddie basketball practice for tonight and future tuesdays instead of fridays. this is not good. i will now be forced to go it alone. "team half a chance" is going to be renamed soon to "team why wont you fucking rebound the ball". they had a nine point halftime lead this weekend and managed to blow it in less than a minute at the start of the second half. brilliant. still putting up the big goose egg in the win column.almost choked a student today. for future reference; do not act as though you are smarter than the teacher if you cannot pass a tech level class.i have given myself until march 1 to move out of this house. it is slowly killing me from the inside out.as time progresses i am beginning to hate napolean dynamite more and more. i think this is brought on by people who keep insisting it is the greatest movie ever, and who proceed to tell me i am just not smart enough to get it when i tell them that it was fucking dumb and boring. fuck that movie. it sucked.i must go to the store now to buy gatorade mix. water has become to boring, and coke is eating away at my insides or something. dont get me wrong, i wont give up coke til quincy carter does, but i must cut back.fuck the patriots. boston fans are shitbags. the city is nice; the fans should be decapitated.trivia god, signing off.
posted by d @ 2/8/2005 06:13:13 PM 1 comments
Monday, January 24, 2005
headliner
well folks, it took a lot of hard work, but i have finally made my way into the body of a post by my new best friends. and not just a mention either. i truly believe (or maybe im just a bit too attention crazed) that the entire post was aimed at me. i know, i know, he mentions other people, but cmon, who really got this whole thing started. i am quite proud of myself. hell, i havent even spent more than like 5 minutes on the dude in the past like 6 days, and still he dedicates an entire post to me. this, by the way, is me running off to my own site to talk shit about our boys, even though i have posted these exact same thoughts on their blogger in not so many words. and my favorite part, old pal jesse mistakenly identifies me as a liberal, despite my insistence that i too love laughing at stupid liberals. what an amateur mistake. just because i think he is a moron, i must obviously side with the opposition. i think the atlanta hawks are the sorriest excuse for an nba team maybe ever, and yet i insist on rooting for them. i think some of my students may have the mental capacity of a turnip, and yet i do so hope for their improvement. anyhow, i blog today mainly because i havent in a while, but also to bring everyones attention to my recent upgrade to celebrity status. oh wait, i almost forgot, here is a quote from the most underrated and intellectually challenging and stimulating website of all time:
It just goes on from there, a bottomless pit of braindamaged crybabies. I want to thank the liberals who took the time to brighten my days with infantile rhetoric, irrelevent name-calling, and generally weak or half assed arguments. It all strengthens our belief that liberals are not to be taken seriously, ever
i laugh. hows that whole pot/kettle thing go again? it is i who engages in "infantile rhetoric, irrelevant name calling, and generally weak or half assed arguments" is it? well then, i must sincerely apologize. it will never happen again. to infinity, and beyond!
posted by d @ 1/24/2005 05:50:24 PM 6 comments
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
this guy rules
seriously, this guy and his banter are so entertaining i might soon be forced to put a permanent link to his blogger. he is apparently under the impression that he has me on the run with his comments. clearly he does not know that the chelf fears no one. unless they are armed with like rocks or something. rocks hurt. this is the type of shit i need to occasionally spice up my week. gotta love it. ooh, if he returns:
hey duder, what do you think about the fair tax? this is what you should be putting on your site. fuck al jazeera, everyone knows that they suck. lets focus on the positive, shall we?

posted by d @ 1/19/2005 10:13:43 PM 8 comments
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
this guy; definitely your boy
from an oh so objective blogsite entitled libhater. i had to post a response to his post entitled "MLK Day Update: Blacks Working Against Themselves." we all know how much i hate partisan bullshit. heres my response- you can visit the original site at your leisure, or dont, what do i care.
"Many wind up on the streets in gangs and idolize drug dealers. And who is there to misguide them?"this is only a pressing issue because 'they' (and not only blacks, hell not even primarily blacks, are lured to distributing presently illicit pharmacuticals) are embracing the quite republican ideal of capitalism providing a good/service that the public demands. surely youd grant that capitalism is a beautiful thing. and as libertarians (? an assumption, true, but one i am relatively confident in makeing) surely you believe the war on drugs to be wasteful. furthermore, was this country ever about bringing races together? id argue that it was more about letting people express themselves in any manner they choose, and if that be purple coats and neckbending bling so be it. do black people really want to assimilate into white culture, or even assimilate white culture into their own? extremely doubtful. im sure theyd be content to simply get equal treatment wherever they went. true, they should stop relying on the government, but so should a shitload of poor southern white families. heres my deal- perhaps we cant let people starve, but we can abide by the "beggars cant be choosers" cliche. if you cannot provide for yourself, dont bitch about government cheese. poverty isnt supposed to be a way of life; it shouldnt be comfortable. endure it while you must, but either work like hell to get out of it, or shut the fuck up and take what comes your way. regardless, it isnt a black-white issue.and one last morsel; shit-slinging name-calling rhetoric sure aint the way to convince "retards" to abandon their foolish ways for the greener pastures of enlightened libertarianism. fare the well.

posted by d @ 1/18/2005 05:53:53 PM 8 comments
where everybody knows your name
all- please ask greenwood about his most recent visit to atkins park. this is of course the same bar in the highlands that we visited on chris's birthday and in which he infuriated the waitress by demanding two drinks at once, only to promptly pass out right after billy whips out a benjamin and before said waitress actually arrives with the second drink for his double fisted repetoire. he then proceeds to make like a burst sewer pipe and is applauded by some dude at an adjacent table. this my friends was all in his first trip. his most recent trip to this reknowned watering hole i shall not usurp the pleasure of recounting. suffice to say, it involved falcons football, the giving away of bens seat as a peace offering to a random gaggle of females, and the phrase "nobody's talking to you like that bitch," followed by a deluge of beer upon the aforementioned 'bitch', followed by a personal escort from the premises. dawson and i of course stayed until the game was over, before dawson rolled home down the hill, careening violently into several cars along the way. luckily for greenwood, his neighbors in his new digs are not yet aware of these extracurricular activities, though i am sure they would approve wholeheartedly. until next time, you stay classy atlanta.
posted by d @ 1/18/2005 04:57:18 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 14, 2005
rollin
this will make five posts today and nine in the last five days. im on a roll bitch. if nothing else i figure this gives me permission to slip and put up like no posts for the next five days or so. we shall see. inconsistency is my middle name.since this post should be more than just a tooting of my own horn, i will now give my opinion of this weekends impending football game here in this parking lot we call atlanta. ready? here goes-
· the falcons will lose and lose big. the rams have somehow gotten hot despite mike martz and his insistence that defense is just what happens while marc bulger gets water. the falcons have a defense as pourous as my five year old pair of holey (and at this point probably almost holy) underwear. whats that you say? they have a good defense? perhaps on paper, but for peter, paul, and mary's sake, have you seen them against a high octane passing team? they give up 20 yard plays like a certain intern gave up the poontang in the clinton white house. i venture to say the rams will throw up over 450 yards of total offense and win by 17 or so. but you know, maybe im just hedging my bets so i can either celebrate or say 'i told you so'.
whatever. enough. the dude abides.
posted by d @ 1/14/2005 03:56:55 PM 2 comments
definitely your boy
so this guy here has apparently tried to call every 867-5309 in the good old u.s. of a. most seem to not be in service, but from my quick scrolling it looked like there were a dozen or so that actually had people who answered or left voicemail recordings. i was quite pleased to note that an atlanta number had the most original and humorous recording. here it is (the 678 is the area code)-
678: “Wow, you’ve reached this recording because you’re a loser and have no life. You must be one of the many who has dropped out of school and is living on taxpayer money. Please hang up the phone, get a job, and make a contribution to society. Goodbye!”
even i do not have this much free time.
posted by d @ 1/14/2005 03:45:07 PM 0 comments
lets do away with kansas city
this fucking website infuriates me. they would like to ban some of the best books i have ever read, such as: Boy's Life, Catcher in the Rye, Black Boy, Fallen Angels, Slaughterhouse Five, One Hundred Years of Solitude, Going After Cacciato, The Things They Carried, and more. I am glad i stumbled across this dudes random blog to bring it to my attention so i can rant about it for a while. Here is the note i wrote to them to tell them how dumb i find their movement. im sure it could be better, but i refuse to muster too much brain power on their behalf.
I applaud your district for choosing diverse material representative of numerous cultural perspectives throughout the course of what looks to be primarily American Literature. Your organization's goal seems to be to take any resonsibility for educating your children away from the school system and place it entirely with the parents or designated caretakers. Should our goal be to educate students to the age of eighteen while developing a hatred for the process of reading and learning, or should we be instilling in them the idea that reading does not have to be a painful and irrelevant process. None of the books on the list I have seen posted at your website "promotes" scandalous or illicit behavior. Do characters sometimes engage in such acts? Certainly. Does this mirror our society at large? Certainly. If a child is to truly be 'educated' by the things that they read at school, shoudln't they be presented with things that encourage them to think?And as a brief sidenote, Shakespeare pushed the limits of the 'acceptable' beyond what had ever been deemed so in his time. His works remain quite contoversial in many regards. For instance, Romeo and Juliet is read by practically every freshman english class in America. Should we be 'promoting' lustful sex out of wedlock? Should we be 'promoting' suicide as the answer to tough times? Should we be promoting the idea to our high school freshmen that when parents fail to listen only drastic measures will gain attention? Almost by definition 'great' literature deals with the topics that we are reluctant to come face to face with. If these topics and the language that is sometimes used to call our attention to them should be entirely removed from the curriculum, our students stand little chance of enjoying and therefore learning from their time in our schools. If parents do not like the content in some of the books and works in the curriculum, perhaps they should read these books along with their children and engage in their own constructive conversations with their children. Surely a little time spent face to face discussing difficult issues would benefit us all.
What a bunch of fucking moronic moms with nothing better to do than ruin their children's education. fuck them all.
posted by d @ 1/14/2005 02:18:02 PM 0 comments
did you ever know that youre my hero
randy moss is quickly becoming my new favorite football player. this guy is fucking classic. not only does he pretend to moon the green bay fans, but when the world reacts as though its the worst thing that has ever been done on a football field he makes a mockery of the entire proceedings. this is some qaulity shit here. take a gander at the brief exchange he had with a reporter in minnesota-
Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't [expletive]. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't [expletive] … Next time I might shake my [expletive]."
how great is that? i cant wait to see that shit. i only hope he scores like 4 touchdowns against the eagles so i can see it again and again and again in the same game. im sick of hearing morons on espn talk about "class" and how moss is a distraction to his team. they said the same shit about dennis rodman and he only helped the bulls win 72 games in a season and three nba titles. these "professionals" get paid to entertain and to avoid distraction. if anything, old randy has only has succeeded in entertaining the hell out of me, and has perhaps created more of a distraction to the eagles and the football watching audience. honestly, i havent heard very much at all about how bad the viking d made favre look, or how good the biking o looked against the packers d. the emphasis, and all the pressure that goes with it, has been taken totally off of the vikings and their mediocre record and has instead been put on only one of the 22 starters for that team. have the other 21 starters answered any questions at all this week about the upcoming game? no way jose; theyre too busy practicing executing while randy practices his next jig. i love it all.
posted by d @ 1/14/2005 01:12:54 PM 0 comments
if only our career day had been like this
i got this article from yahoo news. great shit. this old guy should be running for president. the problem here is that everyone is up in arms about the fact that this guy told the truth to a bunch of eighth graders. we should lie to them? and whats so bad about this? as i remember, they were telling us how to have sex in fourth grade and calling it a constructive part of the curriculum. "People of zee wurl, relax."
Speaker Touts Stripping to 8th Graders
By BILEN MESFIN, Associated Press Writer
SAN FRANCISCO - The principal of a Palo Alto middle school may not invite a popular speaker back to an annual career day after he told girls they could earn a good living as strippers.


Management consultant William Fried told eighth-graders at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School on Tuesday that stripping and exotic dancing can pay $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size.
"It's sick, but it's true," Fried said in an interview later. "The truth of the matter is you can earn a tremendous amount of money as an exotic dancer, if that's your desire."
Fried has given a popular 55-minute presentation, "The Secret of a Happy Life," at the school's career day the past three years. He counsels students to experiment with a variety of interests until they discover something they love and excel in.
But school principal Joseph Di Salvo said Fried may not be back next year.
The principal said Fried's comments to the class came after some of them asked him to expand on why he included "exotic dancing" on his list of 140 potential careers.
Fried spent about a minute answering questions, defining strippers and exotic dancers synonymously. According to Jason Garcia, 14, he told students: "For every 2 inches up there, you should get another $50,000 on your salary."
"A couple of students egged him and he took it hook, line and sinker," said Di Salvo, who also said the students took advantage of a substitute teacher overseeing the session.
"It's totally inappropriate," Di Salvo said. "It's not OK by me. I would want my presenters to kind of understand that they are coming into a career day for eighth-graders."
That stripping advice wasn't the only thing that riled parents. Di Salvo said one mother said she was outraged when her son announced that he was forgoing college for a field he loves: fishing.
"He really focused on finding what you really love to do," said Mariah Cannon, 13.
Fried, 64, said he does not think he offended any of the students: "Eighth-grade kids are not dumb," he said. "They are pretty worldly."

posted by d @ 1/14/2005 01:01:34 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
cause i can
im adding this poem because it pleases me and because i found it on the internet after looking for a long time.
Motto
I play it coolAnd dig all jive.That’s the reasonI stay alive.My motto,As I live and learn,is:Dig And Be DugIn Return.
Langston Hughes
posted by d @ 1/12/2005 01:16:02 PM 1 comments
NASCAR? please.
ive decided that there is without a doubt more athletic skill involved in the armwrestling competition i was watching the other day (which i could not for the life of me manage to eliminate from the screen of my tv, it was just that captivating) than there can possibly be in auto racing. honestly, is there any athletic skill involved in driving around an oval track? i understand that it gets quite hot and that these rednecks on a rampage lose quite a bit of fluid because of the temperature, and i understand that you most certainly have to have a screw loose to drive that rapidly at a mere inches from another car also travelling that rapidly, but i still fail to see where the use of highly trained groups of muscles comes into play here. though i suppose the old glutes do get quite a bit of work.anyhow, enough of my day has now been wasted on something as meaningless as nascar. on to more important subject matter. i feel i should now spend several lines raving about the executive at nickelodeon who finally gave the greenlight to the reruns of the fresh prince of bel aire. i have been waiting for quite some time for this show to replace some weak link in the weeknight lineup. i did not think that cheers was the weak link, but ill take my cheers on tvland if i must. i had almost forgotten how much i enjoyed seeing jazz get thrown out the front door, and the uncle phil fat jokes never get old. it is nice to know that there is life on nick at night after the cosby show. good stuff. hoorah.and a quick yeay for me for finally eclipsing the 500 hits mark since the counter went up a while back. i rule.
posted by d @ 1/12/2005 01:10:47 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 10, 2005
moon over green bay
for the record right quick here-the nfl's decision to fine randy moss is absolute nonsense. can enyone tell me what exactly he did wrong here? the man is a paid entertainer. he entertained. i was laughing my ass off when he turned and gestured and whatnot to the fans in green bay. whats the matter green bay? dont like seeing randy disrespect you and your boys? then field a fucking competitive team instead of letting randy go waltzing into the endzone on numerous occasions. the nfl has to decide how they want to run shit. they must either ban all celebrations or deal with the ones the players come up with. now if randy actually whips his ass out and shows it to people maybe this discussion is a different one, but considering the circumstances, the only crime randy moss commited on sunday was refusing to braid his hair. my god that fro looked awful.
posted by d @ 1/10/2005 08:53:38 PM 0 comments
sabbatical
apologies for the extended hiatus. holidays and all. but here is a brief glimpse at some of the things you have missed.
· i went to boston. i went ice skating. i will be joining the icecapades any day now.
· team half a chance is 0-3. there have been flashes of potential brilliance however. like coming back from a 9 point deficit in the third quarter the other day (they had 5 points the entire first half, 15 in the third quarter).
· i saw bippy. he remains bip-tacular (that really is the best i could do there. sorry.).
· i saw dawson. he told me all about his free trip to the bahamas and how much it sucked. wes drank horribly expensive beer with men and dawson got food poisoning. yee-haw.
· i have started school again with new classes. so far so good. not yet fired.
· i have run out of bowl games to watch. how much did that fucking usc-oklahoma game suck ass? and worse even than the game was the end of the halftime show (the only part i saw). that display by ashlee simpson should be enough to get her exiled to st. helena to live with napolean's ghost. good heavens was that bad.
· i wore the chelf for president shit to school on the teacher workday. the campaign is in stellar shape. come 2008 when we hit the homestretch (the last 8 years) we should have tons of momentum.
that is all i have for now. perhaps more shall follow in the future, but i must shake off the rust after a month of nonblogging, which may take a while. patience, dear reader. patience.
posted by d @ 1/10/2005 04:56:27 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
random blog snippet
i found this on some douchebags blog. it made me laugh. the rest of the blog sucked though. see for yourself if you must. anyhow, heres the quote-
It's a shame when people identify themselves in terms of their relationship to the economy. This says nothing about a person. I mean, thinking of yourself as a garbage man or newscaster is meaningless, as it says little about who you are.That said, if I was a newscaster, during sex I'd say, "this just in: my penis in your asshole" or perhaps "back to you, Martha, in the vagina."
there was more to the post, but it bored me so i stopped reading it. end communique.
posted by d @ 12/14/2004 01:46:57 PM 0 comments
cable?
its supposed to be coming today. we shall see. now maybe i can catch sportscenter and shit on a regular basis. and i can watch all those super cool movies on lifetime. i mean... wait. um...moving on- i will post more when i do not have like eight million things to do, like failing my entire class cause theyre dirty dirty cheaters. i mean honestly, do you think i live in a bubble? a bubble without the internet? why would you cut and paste sparknotes? with the hyperlinks still underlined and in blue?! the fury came out today in first block. man am i ready for the semester to end. stupid people bother me. yes, so heres a post from mcsweeeney's. its not bad. i chuckled.

SPREADINGTHE GOOD WORD:A MISSIONARY'S GUIDE.
BY WENDY MOLYNEUX
- - - -
Let's face it. Not everybody is ready to hear the word of the Lord. Many people have excuses about why they aren't ready to take Jesus into their hearts, such as: "How can I believe in God when the world is filled with pain?" or "I'm a Jew." So how do you spread the word of the Messiah to everybody? Read below to find the group you're targeting, memorize the script, then get out there and sell!

Teenagers
Troubled Teen: Man, Jesus is boring. I'd rather ride my BMX bicycle, smoke reefer, and get handjobs.
Missionary: Whoa, there! You think Jesus is boring?! Well, peep this, homeslice. One time Jesus was chilling at this party, when ... what? Aw, hell no. The guy throwing the party didn't buy enough wine. Everybody was about to leave, when out of nowhere, Jesus made a whole grip of wine, and some tasty-ass snacks. Having a guy around who can create a keg out of thin air would be pretty helpful to somebody who can't buy beer, yo.
Troubled Teen: I never knew Jesus liked to party.
Missionary: Word. (Of the Lord!)

Feminists
Feminist: Jesus is the figurehead of a patriarchal religion that teaches women that they are second to men in all things.
Missionary: You're really pretty.
Feminist: What? Really?
Missionary: Yeah, I mean, it's not an obvious kind of prettiness—it's subtler. You look a little like Kate Winslet.
Feminist: (sobs) Nobody has ever said that to me before. That's why I'm so angry.
Missionary: I bet you've had some pretty bad experiences with men. But I'd like to give you a good one. What are you doing on Friday?
Feminist: I was going to go to a Take Back The Night march but ...
Missionary: ... you'd rather go to Applebee's and get to know me better? You don't mind if I bring my wingman do you? His name is Our Lord.

Robots
Android: The Bible does not mention artificial intelligence.
Missionary: Look, HelpBot 6-900, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but there was a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about robots. It got cut out. It says so in The Da Vinci Code.
Android: Are you sure?
Missionary: How do you think people did all that crazy stuff: walking on water, killing giants, forgiving their families? Normal humans can't do that stuff. Those were robots.
Android: I knew that humans were lying to me. Must kill all humans. Must kill.
Missionary: Oops.

Democrats
Democrat: Actually, I'm already a Christian. I go to First Presbyterian.
Missionary: I don't get it.
Democrat: I know.

posted by d @ 12/14/2004 01:35:50 PM 0 comments
Friday, December 10, 2004
i feel the need, the need for speed
and im talking the drug here, cause this next week is going to fucking suck and blow all at the same time. i think ive got about six weeks worth of shit to do and about six days to get it done in. and so of course here i am blogging instead of doing any of it. typical. team half a chance has another practice today. gotta learn to shoot free throws. 12 misses and a one point loss. not too tough to do that math. also gonna teach them to set picks and "accidentally" elbow people in the balls when they go up for rebounds. gotta keep the momentum going here. a blowout this weekend could destroy team morale. need a win.listening to the garden state soundtrack. pretty solid shit if you like that kind of slow moody mellow rock thing, which i do occasionally. this song "lebanese blonde" by thievery corporation is a kick ass change of pace and reminds me of the kicking drum beats on some of the songs from like the romeo and juliet soundtrack (the baz luhrman version). still a rather mellow song, but different and i like it. this first song is like my favorite coldplay song. good shit. this song "let go" by frou frou is also pretty kick ass. never seen the movie, but i think i can probably get the tone of it just from the soundtrack. i wanna see the movie. heard good things.moving on, definitely gotta go play some college football after reading greenwoods most recent post. army needs to finish out the season. are guys ever too old for video games? i vote no. and so on that note, i am off. ciao.
posted by d @ 12/10/2004 03:26:06 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
velvet revolver who?
i blog from distant lands this evening. i have finally run away from my students and will not be working tomorrow.i just tried to dress up as an elf. didnt work. apparently i was bulging in the usual places (believe it or not).so anyhow, on sunday i went to the mistletoe jam or whatever the fuck it is called. we got there to see the music, who doug has like an extreme hard-on for. they were pretty good. some kids afterwards asked doug who they were and said that the drum beats were all the same. i seriously feared for the kids life. doug almost exploded. they only played five songs. doug claims the firestorm is soon to come. anyhow, next was jimmy eat world. they played some lame christmas cover. nuf said. next came muse, the band i was most excited to see. i will soon be tatooing their names on my ass. they were that fucking awesome. seriously, if they ever come back to town i will be dragging everyone i know to the show with me. best live band i have seen maybe ever. seriously. they fucking rocked my pants off. then we had a fucking hour and a half break so that we could wait for the velvet ones to get stoned enough to come onto the stage to play their set. i maintain that the break was simply to lull us all into forgetting how fucking rad (thats right, rad) muse was. at any rate, they did finally make it onstage. their set was good. they did their thing. they rocked. however, i am just not the worlds biggest velvet revolver fan. now maybe if they had played like all gnr and stp stuff i would have dug it, but their own shit is kind of boring to me. however, as far as live bands go they were good. they jumped around and slash donned his trademark hat and ripped off a solo for mr. brownstone which was cool, but the highlight of the evening, besides watching doug hit on a 31 year old (successfully i might add, despite his amazing lack of game) was the 45 minutes of all out footstomping head banging rock from muse. that is all i have to say about that.my picks went rather well this weekend i think. the college ones were a bit rough, but several of those relied too much on wishful thinking. i will pick with the spread next time. my nfl picks were solid. that is all of that.yes well, i must now go attempt to resurrect my brief career as an elf. im sure you will all hear more about it. ta ta for now.
posted by d @ 12/7/2004 07:22:34 PM 0 comments
Friday, December 03, 2004
as promised
here come my first career nfl picks. and its more fun to pick against the spread, so thats what im gonna do.and my only other prediction of the weekend- team half a chance (my eleven and twelve year old basketball team) will win their first game. i have no idea who we are going to be playing, but im starting out an optimist. ill let you know how it goes. without further ado-green bay at philly (eagles -6): hmm, i intentionally started with one of the best games this week. green bay has been hot lately. it seems like they do this every year, get just hot enough to make the playoffs and then lose a bit of energy. against the eagles you cannot lose energy. plus the defensive backs are fucking weak in green bay. i look for t.o. to celebrate 2 touchdowns and the eagles to win by 13 or so (i really wanna say 12 but that sounds like an odd number, so ill lay off of it). eagles cover.dallas at seattle (seattle -7): heres the thing with this one; the cowboys look pretty bad on paper. but i refuse to believe they are as bad as advertised. now while i am still bitter that they let quincy carter go (coke problem or not, unacceptable, the guys soon to be a super bowl mvp for crying out loud), i simply cannot put any faith into a seahawk team that is rapidly self destructing. dallas covers, and wins to boot.pittsburgh at jacksonville (pittsburgh -3): why is this game so close? jacksonville has yet to win convincingly. they have been squeaking out wins against mediocre teams (with the exception of maybe indy) all season. i am not impressed. i like leftwich, i like fred taylor, i like jimmy smith. i would like to see jacksonville win games. but they arent going to get it done agaist the nfl's best d. i know everyone is waiting for the steelers to stumble and for the rookie to make some rookie mistakes, but i just aint buying this one as an upset. if the jags win, i will admit i was wrong. when they dont, i will gloat about being the smartest man alive. pittsburgh covers, and wins by...oh, lets say ten. hines ward!denver at san diego (san diego -3): again i am a bit flummoxed by this one. denvers got a good offense and theyve got a good defense. san diegos got a good offense and theyve got a good defense. san diegos got home field, which is supposed to be huge in the nfl (but which i dont really put a whole lot of stock in; the better team is usually going to win, no matter the location), and i dont trust much about denver beyond the running games ability to produce. jake plummer is as fucking unpredictable as they come. but i think this one boils down to the fact that i just dont really see the chargers being as good as they have been playing, or as good as the media is hyping them up to be. i say this ones close. maybe san diego wins, but i like denver to cover. ah, what the hell, denver wins by 6.cincinnati at baltimore (baltimore -6.5): ill take the bungles to cover and i dont know why.atlanta at tampa bay (tampa bay -1.5): the falcons are on a roll this year and just seem to keep on winning. hell theyd go undefeated if they just threw to crumpler every down, maybe letting vick run every once in a while. but they wont. and tampa has a good d. and vick never seems to be very vicklike against they bucs. and the bucs are at home. and the falcons are due for a loss. and every time i pick my home team they go down hard. so for all these reasons i pick tampa. and it wont really be that close. tampa by 17.houston at new york jets (new york -7): even without quincy carter (fuck pennington, hes not the superstar quincy is) i like the jets. their defense should prove a bit too much for carr and the texans. new york covers.i see no other games even worth metioning. spread or no spread the rest are fucking stinkers. perhaps by request i will make a prediction, but seeing as there have been no comments in quite some time, this looks like it will be it as far as my predictions go. this has been fun though, perhaps i will do it again. speaking of perhaps, i heard that song "perhaps, perhaps" in spanish the other day while dining at frontera. good shit, even when i cannot understand the words. anyhow, i digress. goodbye my miniscule audience. goodbye.
posted by d @ 12/3/2004 03:51:53 PM 3 comments
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
picks and misses
totally flipped out on my class today. no reasoning with them this time, just screaming like a maniac. it could probably be heard all over the school. three hours with 32 of them is just too damn long. dollar slice night is tonight. i will spend many dollars, cause i am hungry.it was only a matter of time before notre dame fired willingham. honestly, did anyone expect a man named tyrone to last long amongst the irish? its too bad they have no patience there. not like anyone else is going to do a whole lot better. gotta give the guy more than three years to get good talent to the middle of fucking nowhere. that loss to pitt did him in. hello, urban meyer. floridas gonna end up with old pal from louisville, who does not impress me, which is maybe good. perhaps then they will only beat georgia like 85% of the time.moving on, i am going to start picking games for this here blogger. why? because i can. because i watched some thing on jimmy the greek today. because this blog should be about all things which no one cares about, and me picking games is certainly one of those things. and because the mood strikes me, and that is why i do most things. so here goes, a random sampling of picks for this weekend-the college games that might matter somewhere-auburn v. tennessee- this one is a whooping, though i think auburn may start a bit slow due to the fact that everyone is already giving them the game. but aubrun's d will make it impossible for tennessee's shitty offense and third string qb to do anything, and i will revel in the fact that the big orange gets their ass handed to them. auburn by 24.colorado v. oklahoma- what the fuck is this game? how does this happen? isnt the big twelve supposed to be a decent conference? shake that mother fucker up and make two decent teams play each other. this ones a fucking woodshed beating. oklahoma by 40.virginia tech v. miami- miami has struggled lately, losing to two crappy teams, then getting by virginia (who is fading right away into oblivion after a hot start) and putting a beating on wake forest (though that doesnt count, i mean c'mon, its wake forest). virginia tech has been rolling since two early losses. bottom line here, brock berlin is not to be trusted (gator reject) but the canes have more talent on the field. my prediction, frank beamers team blocks a kick, but loses by three late.cal v. southern miss- my upset special. southern miss has sucked lately after looking good early. cal has no business being in the fucking top 5. now, if i go with my brain here cal wins going away, if i go with my wishes tempered by logic, cal comes back in the last two minutes like every other good team has done this year to spoil upset bids, but if i go with my obvious desire to see a shitty team beat an overhyped pac-10 band of shitbags, then i say- southern miss by a surprising 13.army v. navy- did anyone know that navy was 8-2 this year? paul johnson, georgia southern golden child, has turned that stinker around. true they only beat vandy by three and northeastern by four, but hey, 8-2 aint bad. next year is the year they finally get past those golden helmets and celebrate in south bend on notre dames field, mark my words. or dont, what do i care. this one looks easy, but then again, with army-navy you never know. army's played a better schedule and will come out swinging- army by 6, after a td to go ahead in the fourth.arkansas pine bluff v. alabama state- look for me on the fifty yard line wearing my ark pine bluff sweatshirt and nothing else. score- i cant even bring myself to do it. my blogger should be banned for even wasting words on a game like this.that is all i care to do today. i have become tired of staring at this glowing screen in front of me and will thus mosey on. perhaps tomorrow i will take a crack at the nfl, crap shoot that picking nfl games is. should be fun. be there or be square you jive turkeys.
posted by d @ 12/1/2004 03:26:50 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
absence makes the heart grow fonder
please forgive my prolonged absence from blogging here. it is impossible to keep a computer running in this fucking house. somehow they all seem to blow up. this one is in fact hardly working as i type now. it is so slow i feel as though it would be quicker to use an ancient commodore. anyhow, i feel i am pressing my luck by typing even this much. farewell my friends. perhaps i will speak to you soon. if there is a long period of silence and darkness, do not despair. i shall return again, someday.
posted by d @ 11/30/2004 05:10:45 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
when weed just isnt enough
two years after rushing for over 1800 yards, ricky williams fails a drug test (allegedly, like thats fooling anyone) and then opts to breach his monstrous contract and head for greener pastures, those being largely unknown to us commoners without the means to just up and leave our jobs and lives and families. now months later, he reappears, ironically in a place called grass valley. this man is a total fucking crackpot, crack being the key syllable there. if only i had so many millions and nothing to do with them.also, my little kiddie basketball team may not suck quite so bad this year. my like 6th and 7th round picks showed up last night and just started shooting lights out from 3 point range. and since we all know from jim harrick jr's final exam that a 3 point shot is worth three points, my team may acually be able to drop more than the 2 they pulled once in a half last year. im talking like pick and roll to get these fuckers open on the perimeter. beyond that they can suck completely and i wouldnt care. just make it rain bitches. can anyone say dan langhi?
posted by d @ 11/23/2004 07:45:40 PM 0 comments
goddamn goddamn- elegy for a fry cook
ive been meaning to post this one for several days now. for those of you who may be familiar with the staff of miss katies sidebaord, i am hereby reporting the sad news of the passing of old brother kevin jones, the coolest dude i ever met who had neither of his two front teeth. carlson, i insist you drink a beer in his memory; on second thought, make it a malt liquor. i blame this whole thing on the totally fucked up management at that place, the fucking pinkos who insisted on firing everyone with one iota about what the fuck they were doing. kary tells me jeff will be totally fucked at the end of the year when it comes time to do inventory, which would be beautiful. that guy deserves the shitstorm that should rain down upon him soon. i only hope that that scott cocksucker goes down underneath a mountain of shit as well. anyhow, this post has strayed from its original intent, and we shall end with a moment of silence.farewell, and a fond middle finger pointed in your direction. goddamn goddamn.
posted by d @ 11/23/2004 07:39:17 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 22, 2004
wanna be a brawler
ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous brawls this weekend in the world of sports. first the pacers and pistons, what with ron artest leaping into the crowd to pummel some dude. what a fucking moron. and in dteroit? they may have to redo the rankings here. he deserves everything he gets for this one. i hear its costing him like 5 million dollars just in lost pay for his season length suspension. just wait til the fuker who got his ass kicked gets his day in court. holy damages. artest is gonna be a broke man. but i guess now he can gfocus all his energy into promoting his rap album. i hear the whole basketball thing was really dragging him down. and how about jermaine oneal and stephen jackson out til like the all star break practically. they too have massive contracts and will not be getting paid. dumb fuckers. and then theres the team. how fucked are the pacers. right now they have two reserves and cannot add anyone to the roster. their strating lineup includes some dude named james jones. who the fuck is he? well, at least theyve got freddie jones and austin croshere to carry the load. jesus, even in the east that aint gonna cut it. morons. i hope that team loses like 50 games now. fucking idiots.and then theres the whole clemson-south carolina thing. in lou holtzes last game as a gamecock, or at least last regular season game, his team goes nuts on clemson, who in turn goes nuts right back. melee. and both teams are now bowl eligible. i say ban them both from the fucking postseason if they cannot control themselves. and then i hear fucking tommy bowden get on tv and blame the pacers and pistons and the media coverage for his team acting like fucking assholes. fire him now. he should be out back behind the wood shed fucking teeing off on these fuckers like singapore did michael fay in '94. blaming the media because "thats all they have been seeing on tv for the last 24 hours". fuck that. beat the fucking shit out of them and then make them run wind sprints til they fucking pass out.now, moving on- spurrier in south carolina? why cant he go to the sec west. we all know the sec east doesnt need to be any tougher than it already is. next thing you know well have a fucking stoops at vandy or some such shit. enough spurrier. go terrorize some other conference. hell, the acc is looking for a decent team i hear. and the big ten is god awful. georgia just now beat your former team.i have kiddie basketball practice tonight. i aim to win a game this year. i shall keep you posted, but promise nothing. i could have another "team three quarters" on my hands. i know one thing though; they will never go charging into the crowd to flail away at the fans. im out, like ron artest after a trip to detroit.
posted by d @ 11/22/2004 01:22:14 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 15, 2004
the voice of the losers
so i told you all about a week ago that i enjoy going to sites with morons responding to the election and pointing out their mistakes. well i was doing so last week and stumbled across some random blog (the same one i got the british letter thingie from) where this moron was ranting and shit. i of course posted on his comments to point out how mistaken he was- for instance he states that the founding fathers all hailed from blue states. in fact, only the adams boys (of the first five, maybe six?, i cannot recall now and will not go back and look again), were from "blue states". and then its something like 6 of the next seven. sure, ben franklin was from a blue state, but the point here is made. i also ripped into like two of his other points, which i will not repeat now for lack of time. however, when i went looking for this blog again, to check up on the authors response to my comment, i was unable to find it because apparently this dudes rant is now like world famous or some shit. i would not post it at all had i not seen one too many sites hailing it as genius. genius it is not. in fact it is riddled with mistruths and irrational statements, and i only post it now so that some of you may grow as furious as i have. dan, i expect great and righteous staements from you on my comment like. for now, that is all as i have much business to attend to. heres the rant from the halfwit- (go here to work the links)
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

posted by d @ 11/15/2004 06:03:35 PM 2 comments
Sunday, November 14, 2004
hate to say i told you so
couldnt stop the run. missed a field goal in the first quarter. turnovers in the redzone. typical. i for one am not surprised that georgia lost. outback bowl, here we come. i bet we lose there too. fuck it.daniel inman tried to pick a fight with some of our party downtown last night. guess hes trying to release some agression as he obviously didnt on the football field. how many false starts was that danny boy?ive decided soccer isnt at ll popular in the good old us of a because of the fact that we americans like immediate gratification. theres too damn much waiting in soccer for points. football and baseball may be slow too, but think about it; the teams people like to watch are the ones with the instant offense factor. we like watching barry bonds jack homers and mike vick run 60 yards for a touchdown. soccer doesnt have this. sure it has quick scoring occasionally, but one man cant really do it all, and lets face it, thats the type of shit we like. because of this, soccer will remain on the relative d.l. in this grand nation of our, and for that matter so will hockey. hockey drunms up a tad bit more interest, but only because we americans dig violence and its got a tad bit more of that. now as for auto racing, i am still at a loss to explain its popularity. its just a car going around an oval. i had a toy track where i could do that when i was like 9. why i would want to watch someone else tooling around like that for hours i do not know. i suppose theres just no accounting for taste.i hope auburn loses to alabama. that is all.
posted by d @ 11/14/2004 04:46:30 PM 1 comments
Friday, November 12, 2004
bulemic drinker
so the moms said something about drinking being to fattening tonight which made me think. i will now allow you all the distict priviledge of travelling through my thought process for a bit (minus the thoughts about flying cars and warp portals and mmmmm brownies and the like). so i havent been drinking for like probably a year now and i sure as hell havent lost any weight, which proves to me that this whole light beer phenomenon or low carb beer phenomenon is total horseshit. but then again, perhaps the ill effects (no pun intended) of my drinking were countered by the ill effects of my drinking (ok, pun intended this time). meaning this- i can sum up the pattern of my drinking days (and these days were many and glorious, if glory is to be defined by sloppiness and story worthy efforts by friends) in one relatively succinct word- bulemic. my drinking was characterized by a very noticable pattern of binging and purging, usually a two day process. so perhaps all of the calories i uploaded on evening one were downloaded one day two as i dry heaved and sometimes wet heaved and went for many hours unable to choke down even the most delectable dish. and so maybe for my first several years of college i would have been classified as a bulemic without even knowing so. i urge you all to perform random self-diagnoses, as it has proven to be quite enlightening and an overall good ole time. i will now go rub my bosom to see if there is a lump. wish me luck.
posted by d @ 11/12/2004 07:03:51 PM 1 comments
oh, those british rascals!
parts of this are pretty fucking hilarious, parts of it get a bit irritating and redundant. you will be able to figure out which parts are which.and my prediciton for tomorrows game- auburn 31, ga 28. unless georgia stops the run and jason campbell totally collapses, which he will do if georgia stops the run, cause he just isnt really that good, in which case- ga 38, auburn 17. the difference is a couple of turnovers with a ga field goal on one, cause they still arent very good at punching it in when they get in the red zone. oh, and one further prediction- if ga misses a field goal in the first quarter, i will stop watching and the score will be- auburn 48, ga 7. that is all. heres the article i stole from some shitbags blogger.
The UK Home Office Response to US Election Result:To the citizens of the United States of America:In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Best wishes,Great Britain

posted by d @ 11/12/2004 05:51:47 PM 0 comments
Thursday, November 11, 2004
students- turn back now
my newest concern is brought about by my little counter thingie at the bottom of the screen. it lets me do all kinds of cool shit, like see how many people look at this here blogger, and how they got to this here blogger, and like what search terms they used to find this here blogger, etc. and i saw someone had searched on yahoo for info about huff and come across my blogger here, which leads me to believe that students are stumbling across my blog. this is an interesting quandary. do i care that my students may be seeing the blog? not particularly. nothing i have said on the blog should be too out of the ordinary for them. i do insult everyone quite regularly. though, on this here blogger my sarcasm seems to be missed every so often. i dotn know how it happens either, but seriously dude, this shit goes on, and i get emailed or commented by some terd sandwich (stolen from south park, cause i think it sounds funny) who thinks im like being totally serious. oh well. my little class of horrors hasnt done anything terribly interesting lately anyhow. i just typed the word "hensty" in an im. i was shooting for "honesty". not even close. i think it is time to stop typing. henstly.
posted by d @ 11/11/2004 01:14:23 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
damn the man, save the empire!
so, i come up with all this really great shit to blog about (often in the morning during my unnecessarily long showers; but the water feels so warm and good), and yet it never seems to make it to this page. one day im gonna like take a plastic sheet and sharpie into the shower with me and jot it all down. until that day comes, you will be stuck with blandness at this here blog site. for this i apologize. feel free to tell me how much i suck. i seem to get off on this kind of abuse. so the dude that had been emailing me telling me how much of a moron i was has given up. i sent him a long rambling email in which i actually explained why he was the moron, and it was apparently to much for him to take. i also thanked him at the end of my email for the insults. i was really looking forward to a response, but oh well, i have become used to disappointment.i am currently reading the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay by michael chabon. its pretty damn good, though i have decided that chabon has some issues with his sexuality. why, you ask. well, like every single one of his books deals prominently with a major character experimenting with homosexuality (perhaps some of you know of wonder boys, his book which was made into the movie with michael douglas and toby maguire), which is all fine and dandy for lit, but hes kind of wearing the topic thin, and i dislike it when i know exactly what to expect from the get go. but the book is damn good, so no complaints.anyhow, i am now off to nap. good day. i said good day!
posted by d @ 11/10/2004 03:12:03 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
another one bites the dust
im telling you dude, bad things may not happen to me, but they damn sure seem to happen around me an awful lot. watch yourself. that said, i will now post the following article from wsbradio.com, the same story i heard this morning while driving to work. it is of course about my former mentor teacher.
Teacher Sentenced for Relationship with Student
(WSB Radio) -- A former Gwinnett County teacher has been sentenced to two years for a sexual relationship with one of his high school students.
The judge in the case, Judge Constance Russell, rejected an attempt by the former teacher's attorney to get probation only with a guilty plea - giving him the stiffer sentence of two years, just one year less than the maximum allowed under law.
Timothy Huff, 32, was an English teacher at Shiloh High school who resigned in January after charges came to light that he had an improper relationship with a teenage girl. The case was tried in Fulton County because that is where the crimes took place. WSB News talked with the mother of the victim after the sentence was handed down and she said, "I was thrilled that Judge Constance Russell actually saw through everything and I was thrilled that he did not get just probation. "
The student was a senior at Shiloh High school and while she was 18 years old, the teacher was charged with assault of a person in custody and had pleaded guilty to the charge, hoping for a year's probation. However, based on the circumstances in the case, the judge refused the request. The victim's mother says she fears there may be other students who have been victimized by the former teacher. She tells WSB News "I would really hope that if there are any other students who had any relationship with him feel empowered to go ahead and contact authorities."
firther proof that nothing good comes from fornicating- ok, well maybe there is that whole orgasm thing, but nothing else.
posted by d @ 11/9/2004 06:30:26 PM 0 comments
Thursday, November 04, 2004
heres a fun idea
go to a random blogger (use the "nest blog" button at the top of my blog page). continue until you find someone who is either bitching or gloating about the election. find a flaw in their reasoning, and simply point it out. do not even mention anything about the other party's candidate. watch the blogee fly off the handle via email or comment thingie. its top notch entertainment. ive been doing it for two days now. and man, when i tell them i didnt vote, because i thought all the candidates were shitbags, they totally lose it and call me names, and insult me for neglecting my civic duty. one called me a shallow narcissist. thats almost redundant, but i guess he really wanted to make his point. i do enjoy giving come hither looks to my reflection in the bathroom mirror. soemtimes i even fondle myself. have i gone to far? too far. ok. done.
posted by d @ 11/4/2004 05:31:27 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
boston morons
i found this on some idiots blogger today. seriously, boston seems to be just a concentration of the most fickle and unreasonably stupid people on the planet.
Yesterday someone said:"What a wonderful time to live in Boston!" - they were speaking of the past Superbowl, the Democratic Convention, the Red Sox winning against the Yankees, the World Series and of course the concert last night as we all waited to see who would be elected as the next President of the U.S.Then today someone said:"I wish we could just get our city back... at least until the Superbowl."I pretty much think those are both good comments on what it's like to live in Boston right now.
actually, here, shes got a space for comments. everyone should go there and tell her what a moron she is. man do i hate listening to morons from boston bitch about everything. that is my job, and i do it better, if i do say so myself.
posted by d @ 11/3/2004 04:18:45 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
vote or die is part of the problem
fuck puffy or p diddy or whatever that mohawked fuck is calling himself these days. this vote or die thing is totally out of hand. that said, i will now explain to all of you why i am refusing to vote i this election. here goes-for a while i wavered, and truth be told, i damn near caved and listened to this "if you dont vote you cant bitch" propaganda. this idea is total horseshit. not only can i still bitch, i am now of the opinion that i am more able to bitch, having kept my somewhat objective mind about me while refusing to vote for "the dude running against the guy i hate," which is essentially what like 80% of the country is doing. no one knows a damn thing about either of the fuckers they are voting for, probably because neither of them (and i am limiting this part of the rant to the two candidates with any real shot to win the election) have told us anything about what the fuck they are all about. sure, we know bush will be 'tough on terrorism' and that kerry will 'create jobs' and 'punish companies for outsourcing'. but honestly, no one really knows shit about either of these guys. furthermore, the vast majority of the population have absolutely no desire to try to learn anything about either of these clowns. the majority is happy to vote simply on the basis of 'well the other guy is totally incompetent and couldnt possibly lead this country well,' while knowing practically nothing about the alternative they so eagerly endorse. i for one am fed up. so for a while i considered casting my vote for one of the other candidates (and really there are only three other parties i would consider viable options here, those being the independant party, the green party, and the libertarian party, in alphabetical order) who has no real chance of winning, but could with enough votes possibly send a message to the big two parties. but when it comes right down to it, i dont like any of their weak ass candidates either (peroutka, cobb, and badnarik repectively; nader also being an independant force), and therefore refuse to "waste" my vote on someone i also do not like. therefore, i am proudly refraining from voting in this election, one that will likely not be decided by the people anyhow, but by the courts, who are going to have to sort out all this stupid ass voter fraud, intimidation, and overall law breaking by the candidates cronies and other nutjobs intent on wreaking havoc on this country.so, to recap here, and to add a bit as well, my reasons for withholding my vote are threefold-
i will not support someone who i think is a total shitbag, which thus eliminates all of this years candidates (and also means i will not be voting for the senate seat in this fine state, as those candidates are shitbags too)
my vote is meaningless in the sate of georgia anyway, in both the presidential race and the race for my representative in congress, as old cynthia regretably has that one locked up due to mass voter idiocy in this part of the world
it is a large hassle
so, now that that is out of the way, i will return to the vote or die issue. and i will make this brief, as it need not be long. if you know nothing about the issues or candidates of this election, you should not vote. if you cannot name the current president and vice president or if you cannot name the candidate and running mate you plan to vote for (how many nader supporters know his running mates name is camejo?), you should not vote. if you are only voting to vote someone into office or keep someone out of office, as opposed to really wanting someone in office, you should not vote. if you insist that anyone who disagrees with you is obviously not as intelligent as yourself (e.g. bill o'reilly), you should not vote. and finally, if you vote simply becasue someone else tells you you have to or you are a bad american (mtv viewers), you should not vote. this list eliminates at least 85 to 90% of the "vote or die" inspired individuals as well as much of the general population. i maintain, and will not waver, that encouraging ignorant individuals to vote for candidates and issues they know nothing about, or individuals who know only what one source has told them (e.g. fahrenheit 9/11, mtv, many talk radio listeners), is not only irresponsible, but dangerous, and cannot result in anything positive. so there you have it, my longwinded rant, written in probably less than half the time it would have taken to stand in some godforsaken line to piss away a meaningless and soul destroying vote.i vote for a public burning of those stupid "vote or die" shirts. fuck you sean combs.
posted by d @ 11/2/2004 02:30:59 PM 1 comments
Monday, November 01, 2004
pet diaries
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:DAY 1808:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE !9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!DAY 1818:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARYDAY 183My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.DAY 184Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.DAY 185Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.DAY 186I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.DAY 187There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 188I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

posted by d @ 11/1/2004 10:39:55 PM 0 comments
another blog worth visiting, if only for this one post
in fact, after reading some ohter posts, i warn some of you away. the guy is big on shock value and whatnot. but this part here is top notch. and of course, the work in progress. maybe ill post my novel, bit by bit. i may not share it though. we shall see.
posted by d @ 11/1/2004 05:14:13 PM 0 comments
flair
i will continue to cram multitudes of shite into the right hand column of my blogger until it can hold no more. why you ask? well, after i pat myself on the back for being astute enough to anticipate your questions (patting...and, done), i will explain myself. see, its like flair, man. and thats all i need to say. for a more detailed explanation you should of course reference that pinnacle of filmmaking, office space, starring ron livingston of fellow screen gem swingers. and for now, i will be off to find more flair. love it or leave it i always say- in other words, deal or get the fuck outta here.
posted by d @ 11/1/2004 04:53:57 PM 0 comments
something to think about before voting
just a link i saw and stumbled upon to see if it was even the least bit respectable. look if you wish, take it for what you will. not like its gonna change anyones mind at this point, but kind of interesting nonetheless. doubt they were polling the fucking insurgents, but whatever. clearly i dont have enough to do. my prediction for tomorrows tomfoolery- kerry by three votes. thats right, three.
posted by d @ 11/1/2004 04:35:04 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 31, 2004
2 quick comments
finally georgia beats florida. why they couldnt do it when i was there is anyones guess. and why they had to wait until they had completely pissed away any shot at the sec championship game (assuming of course that the vols can handle perrenial powers kentucky and vanderbilt) is also a bit of a mystery, but hey, im not complaining here. ill take what they give me.and second, watching terrell owens week in and week out has to be one of the great pleasures of sports since the ousting of dennis rodman from the nba. few players are able to mock the opponent so effectively while also producing on the field or court or what have you. the ray lewis dance in the end zone may be my favorite t.o. celebration so far. when he ends up murdered in atlanta soon, we will all know why.
posted by d @ 10/31/2004 05:45:59 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
shortbus
as promised way back, the shortbus is rapidly becoming all haikus. it pleases me however and i will continue to post there, whether you fuckers continue to ignore me or not. also as promised, anyone who would like to post (haiku or otherwise) on the shortbus may do so. here is some encouragement- haikus are easy. i know you can do it. thats about all of that ive got in me. its in short supply anyway and twelfth graders take it out of me in the mornings. whatever. done.
posted by d @ 10/27/2004 02:41:21 PM 0 comments
back to the future part d
i will now quote my blogger from over a year ago.
Sunday, August 24, 2003
3. georgia over florida? laughable. we all know that georgia will never ever ever beat florida again. this is like predicting a healthy griffey in cincy, or a red sox world series. itll be a cold day in hell buddy.
well, clearly since the two are linked, a boston victory tonihgt would assure a uga victory this weekend. if boston wins and uga loses and it turns out that boston has fucked me in the end (in true red sox fashion) so help me, i will destroy that town come december when i visit. i am sure that now the fbi and department for homeland security will be banging down my door soon. its been fun. perhaps ill post from guantanamo.
posted by d @ 10/27/2004 02:31:30 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 25, 2004
nerd factor
the post below is from The Wave Magazine whcih apparently operates out of the bay area, which i assume is the san francisco bay, but who knows really. chris sent it to me in an email entitled "ha", which was appropriate. i laughed, and thus, i post it below. in other news, florida fired zook. man am i pissed if i am zook. fuckin guy doesnt even get three years to fix the program, gets screwed in a loss to tennessee this year (a tennessee team that will eventually play in the sec championship game) when the refs make a bogus call, and then gets dumped because the fucking gators want spurrier back. i hope they were at least honest with the guy and told him that his firing had nothing to do with him or his record while at their oh so illustrious school. i also hope spurrier tells them to go to hell and they end up stuck with jim donnan or some such jackleg. anyhow, my rant has gone on long enough, and georgia will still lose badly this weekend and will indeed never beat florida again. heres the article i promised you.
Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
The ten geekiest hobbies
By Seanbaby
You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose, especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching. But enough about coin collecting. We’ve contacted renowned experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.
10. Comic BooksPublic Humiliation: 49.5%Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk’s hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn’t loudly complaining about something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%When you’re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto’s hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie’s version of Magneto’s hat will make having sex with it even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
9. Role Playing GamesPublic Humiliation: 63.4%Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren’t enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It’s really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you’re on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%We weren’t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there’s still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, “A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name’s Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.”
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.
8. ScrapbookingPublic Humiliation: 86.2%Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, “Are we having fun yet!” Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/APeople who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know these people because they’re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people’s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY’RE AN ATM!
7. Star WarsPublic Humiliation: 82.1%Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, “Shorshenblorg borshchortle!”
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn’t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won’t, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn’t like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I’ve been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, “Wouldn’t it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?” went largely ignored by the sex community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
6. VampirismPublic Humiliation: 90.0%When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, “I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you’re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it’s all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don’t mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I’ve found to make sure they’re real vampires is to scream, “Skeletor!” and see if they cheer in agreement.
5. Collectible Card GamesPublic Humiliation: 96.8%Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a grown man’s face who’s just been caught by someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.
Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become useless once these geeks discover that a woman’s vagina contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that’s one of those double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.
Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.
4. EverquestPublic Humiliation: 70.1%Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know you played it unless you told them. However, if you’ve ever known anyone that’s played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.
Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one’s inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and they’re secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that’s a good sign of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.
3. Star TrekPublic Humiliation: 86.2%These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there’s some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there’s almost assuredly a third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.
Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%While it’s true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it’s either a Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it’s your duty as a human to smash it.
2. Furries/PlushiesPublic Humiliation: 99.95%Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their costume. If that’s tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot’s leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals. I’m sure you’ve heard of these people; they’re the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.
Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets just can’t say no. And as for the furries, they don’t seem to be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they’re ecstatic to find other people with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who’s with me, how do you not [Censor’s note: you really didn’t want to read this part we cut] all the way into its chicken hole!?
Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know furries and plushies because they’ll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.
1. Live Action Role PlayingPublic Humiliation: 100%Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd’s parent’s worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it’s like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.
Damage to Sex Life: 100%If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and giant monster heads, it’s impossible to know who might be LARPing. The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from their very fingertips, but by then... it’s already too late.


posted by d @ 10/25/2004 02:48:56 PM 0 comments
Thursday, October 21, 2004
observed
i was observed by the principal today. it went well, but he did have one warning for me. apparently i should cut back on the sarcasm. he says he doesnt believe there is any place in the classroom for sarcasm. wow. i dont believe there is any place in the room for 31 kids, and yet, somehow they fit. sarcasm. if i get rid of that what would i have left? i shall leave you to ponder that one.
posted by d @ 10/21/2004 06:36:51 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
everybody on the shortbus
all my students on the shortbus. but no classes for me tomorrow, just a work day to get ready for progress reports. i aim to update here soon, add asignificant post or two, but as of now i am still mourning the loss of all of my fucking sports teams this week. shitty, all of them. reading life of pi. pretty damn good. anyhow, the point-haikus are a wonderful thing. i have filled the shortbus with them. they please me. more to come soon.and as a p.s.- discussed smokey and the bandit today as it related to the great gatsby with fellow teacher nerds. that movie is a fucking classic. burt reynolds rules.
posted by d @ 10/12/2004 06:15:31 PM 2 comments
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
carlyles blog
has carlson taken his blog offline. why wont it let me go there. i will say that if this is the case, i will be furious due to the petty nature of such an act. get mad, stop posting, thats all well and good. but to take the blog clean off the internet or to switch the url to some unknown location (russian) that is just tomfoolery. someone please explain this to me. i have now fixed my missing links so that you may do so.
posted by d @ 10/5/2004 04:12:40 PM 1 comments
chimpito
damn, i was almost crying at parts of this, mainly the parts in which the names were used in sentences. fucking kills me.
In Defense ofthe Chimpy Corollary.BY CHRIS STECK- - - -I am pleased to share the results from new studies we've recently completed at the J.D. Aspen Institute that prove conclusively the Chimpy Corollary to the Motherfucker Hypothesis. This corollary claims that "almost all people are at least mildly offended when you address them as Chimpy, yet they often don't know why" and that their level of agitation is "similar regardless of race, religion, nationality, or gender."The majority of our study was conducted in the real world, addressing workers in various service industries, friends, and family. When uttered, the phrases were held at a constant, unexcited pitch and offered to a myriad of participants who were subsequently asked to respond to a questionnaire regarding the experience.Examples of statements used in this study include:"Hold on, Chimpy, I had fries with that.""Is there a problem, Officer Chimpy?""Whoa there, Chimpy, I gave you a twenty.""Could you pass the wine, Chimpy?""Look, Chimpy, a Q-tip is not a weapon I could use to hijack the plane, though I will acknowledge your point that they do sort of resemble 'fuzzy matches.'"The results were not markedly affected by adding titles (e.g., "Dr. Chimpy," "Rabbi Chimpy," "Chef Chimpy," etc.), applying the diminutive ("Little Miss Chimpy," "Chimpito," "Chimpchen," etc.), or by applying other endings ("Chimpson," "Mr. Chimpypants," etc.) to the root word "Chimp(y)."While participants could not always articulate why they were offended, 99.6 percent reported that they were, in fact, offended and consistently described the feeling as "miffed" and "slightly put out." After excluding the data from one unoffended Frenchman whose last name was Chimpet, this number rose to a perfect 100 percent!So you are asking yourself, "Where are we breaking new ground? How does this deviate from the Motherfucker Hypothesis? Why do we need a corollary?"While the Chimpy Corollary does share with the original MFH the same properties of being universal and polyethnic in its offensiveness, it differs vastly in that "Chimpy" is not at the same time lewd or obscene. It can also be argued that "motherfucker" is not equally offensive to everyone. (Certainly participants that were orphaned, were reared by their father alone, or whose mothers are deceased might be inclined to feel an added sense of loss and despair not shared by participants who at least have a mother to copulate with should they be so inclined!)There are those who will argue that "Chimpy" too could be construed as more offensive to certain segments of the population when uttered by hateful inbred Caucasians that fear change, and less offensive to others (e.g., people who have worked with or have otherwise gotten to "know" a chimpanzee, such as Michael Jackson, Dow chemists, or the Landers sisters), but this argument is flawed in that it assumes the receiving party is an English speaker and could derive offense or delight from being associated with a primate. Our research actually shows that native European participants are still "miffed and slightly put out" when addressed in their native tongue in which the term "Chimpy" does not have any meaning at all!Phrases used in the European study were designed to parallel closely their English counterpart and include:"Ist der Platz frei, Chimpy?" (German for "Is this seat taken, Chimpy?")"Très magnifique, Capitan Chimptastic!" (French for "That's most magnificent, Captain Chimptastic!")"Gooooooooooal, Chimpito!" (Spanish for "Our soccer team scored a goal, Smallish Chimp, and I am VERY excited!")"But what if some of the participants came into the study already miffed and slightly put out?" you ask. "Wouldn't that skew the data?"To ensure this was not the case, a separate study was conducted where participants were isolated and made to listen to Maroon 5 for 10 to 26 minutes, until any detected aggression or happiness faded to pleasant neutrality. We also seeded all studies with neutral control statements such as "I find the new Old Navy 'hoody' sweatshirts to be quite comfortable." In all cases, the participants showed no measurable spike from the Maroon 5-induced baseline when presented with a control phrase, yet all other data collected was consistent with the fieldwork.I think you will agree that these findings are phenomenal and conclusive in their support of the Chimpy Corollary to the MFH, but in closing, as an exercise left to the still-undecided reader, I would like to say:The ball is in your court, Chimpy. Q.E.D.
so there you have it. mcsweeneys coming strong once again. i should ad that with the mcsweeneys shit, if it doesnt interest me in like the first 30 words, i give up on it generally. you should feel free to do the same if you do not already. quite frankly, i post much of this shit so that i can more easily review it and be entertained again. i wouldnt go to effort like this for the vast majority of you fuckers. so, that said, heres another. oh yes, and i only read the "chimpy" one cause monkeys are always funny.
SCENES FROMA BLOCKBUSTER ACTION MOVIE FEATURINGA TECHNOLOGY EXPERTWITH APPROXIMATELYMY OWN REAL-LIFESKILL LEVEL.BY SEAN KEANE- - - -Reconnaissance"O'Henderson, nice surveillance work. The report you put together was incredible. Friends, associates, even his favorite movies and bands. We're a lot closer to finding that bastard Santiago now.""It's what I do, Lieutenant.""How'd you get all this information? Wiretaps? Hacking into the cartel's database?""No, sir. He's on Friendster."Tracing the Call"Keep Santiago on the line for a little while longer—I need to scroll down farther in my address book.""You know, O'Henderson, you can punch in the first letter of their name and it goes a lot faster.""I need to concentrate here! Wait a second! I think I'm getting a text message!"Defusing the Bomb"There's no time to evacuate the orphans. Quick, O'Henderson, which wire do we cut?""Have you tried unplugging the bomb?""We did that, and it didn't help. The timer is still counting down!""Step back. I'm going to pull out the detonator, blow on it, and then put it back into the bomb.""Are you positive, O'Henderson? We're talking about the lives of 1,500 Belorussian orphans here.""Hmm. What if we defragged?"The Love Scene"Guys, I fixed the walkie-talkies. Santiago didn't sabotage them. It turns out one of the batteries was in backwa—oh! I'll leave you two alone."The Car-Chase Aftermath"We got him! I can't believe we got to the bridge in time! That was some damn fine navigation, O'Henderson. Thanks for saving our asses back there.""Don't thank me, Lieutenant. Thank Mapquest.com."
chimpy was certainly better, but this one was somewhat entertaining as i can see myself in it. defusing the bomb might be my favorite. "have you tried unplugging the bomb?" classic.
posted by d @ 10/5/2004 02:30:25 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 04, 2004
el duderino
tonight i go for the victory, bowling league supremacy. plus i get my tacky yellow shirt, which is sweet. long time no blog. well, like a week anyway. been busy with all kinds of weddings and shit like that. ive decided to become a recluse, cause its fun. no more talking to pretty much anyone. dont worry carlyle, i havent been answering my phone for anyone. stuck at a fucking wedding this weekend for the uga-lsu game. fury. figures that the game i cant watch is the first one where they have played half decent. that should mean this weeks game should go well too as i am stuck at another wedding. ridiculous. stop fucking getting married people. in other news, midterms this week. seriously, like half of my class is going to be failing after this. should be fun to listen to furious parents. hmm, what else. oh yeah, whole lotta nothin. anyhow, fuck it, im out. just figured id put up a post about nothing. if i win at bowling expect another post in the next day or so. otherwise, expect nothing. man, this was like my weakest post ever. oh well. my bad.
posted by d @ 10/4/2004 03:53:35 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 24, 2004
word puzzles
some of the word puzzle things i gave my classes today. they didnt even try. said they had to think too hard. honestly. all i ask is for a tiny bit of effort.BEHEADMENT: A word becomes a new one when its first letter is removed.Example: ONE = factor, TWO = actor.1. BEHEADMENT (6, 5)They followed the stream as it FIRST through the wood,Staying as much in the shade as they could.A splash, and a swimmer then came into sight."He's SECOND!" one Girl Scout cried out in delight.CURTAILMENT: A word becomes a new one when its last letter is removed.Example: ONE = aspiring, TWO = aspirin. The asterisk indicates that the six-letter word is capitalized.2. CURTAILMENT (7, *6)"Cleopatra," if it's trueThat opposites attract,Could be called the ONE of "TWO"By known historic fact.DELETION: A word becomes a new one when an interior letter is removed.Example: ONE = simile, TWO = smile.3. DELETION (9, 8)So the jury finally TWO that czar of crime?And a jury trial is ONE? High bloody time.4. DELETION (5, 4)One year fat, one year lean.Never anywhere between.Diet changes every day;Either ONE or TWO, I say.TERMINAL DELETION: A word is changed to a new one by removing its first and last letters.Example: ONE = foregone, TWO = Oregon.5. TERMINAL DELETION (6, 4)I knew my son would be a TALLWhen he was very small,For when I put him in his SMALLHe doodled on the wall.WORD DELETION: A word removed from inside a longer one leaves a third word.Example: TOTAL = performance; ONE = man, TWO = perforce. The length is given only of the longest (TOTAL) word.6. WORD DELETION (8)I ate at seven, felt TOTAL by ten.I doubt if I'll INSIDE eat OUTSIDE again.7. WORD DELETION (10)I TWO the praise of any soulWith knowledge of a ONE like this.I've just an ALL--so on the wholeI'm glad that ignorance is bliss.CHARADE: A word is broken into two or more shorter words.Example: TOTAL = scarcity; ONE = scar, TWO = city. The length is given only of the long word.8. CHARADE (10)My migraine was pounding; I needed some rest."There's WHOLE," said my FIRST, "in the medicine chest."The SECOND on all of the labels looked blurred.I took one at random and promptly got THIRD.LETTER CHANGE: One letter is changed in a word to make a new one.Example: ONE = pastry, TWO = pantry (a third-letter change).9. FIRST-LETTER CHANGE (8)Our baby had colic, and ONE all the day.No sound's ever TWO it, I'm happy to say.10. THIRD-LETTER CHANGE (11)His mood was indicative, her voice purely passive;He grew more explicative, her boredom grew massive.To his ONE, she said, "Somehow I feel it's not youI'm looking for," ending their date with a TWO.
posted by d @ 9/24/2004 08:56:47 PM 2 comments
an ode to the burger
how do you put upwith such a huge assi must give you such problemsas i get from my classonly 2 more weekscant wait to see yaand make up anotherkick ass quesadilla
posted by d @ 9/24/2004 08:22:27 PM 0 comments
3 in 7
third setup in a week. deal with it. i dont think im gonna change this one for a while. i guess ill wait and see how the reaction is. not like a really give a damn what you folks say, but always interested to hear. carlyle- stop calling me in the middle of the fucking night. i wake up at 5am. i blame you for my fucking headache today.
posted by d @ 9/24/2004 01:39:39 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
new format
so heres what happened:my blogger infuriated me bacuase it wouldnt post my profile, which i decided today that i wanted it to post. so after much tinkering and fixing, the old format just really infuriated me. so i switched. now it has taken entirely too long to get the blogger the way i want it, though i must admit that i am none too pleased with this format. however, until i muster up the energy for more change, we are all stuck with this arrangement. express your disgust in the comment link. that is all.
posted by d @ 9/22/2004 03:14:20 PM 6 comments
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
turkey
141-151-164not bad for a day when i couldnt aim or pick up a spare for shit. and a turkey! on the last frame of the last game. finally. i feel like boston would feel if they could beat the yankees. the monkeys off my back. solid.parent teacher conference night tonight. i have all of zero conferences. sounds like a great way to waste a night.
posted by d @ 9/21/2004 02:27:25 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 20, 2004
monkeys type hamlet
ok, so they didnt quite get to hamlet, but i have tracked down the article about this experiment. still one of the funnier things ive read in a long time.
Typing Monkeys Don't Quite Write 'Hamlet'Friday, May 09, 2003LONDON — Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare.Give six monkeys one computer for a month, and they will produce a mess.Researchers at Plymouth University (search) in England reported this week that primates left alone with a computer attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word."They pressed a lot of S's," researcher Mike Phillips said Friday. "Obviously, English isn't their first language."A group of faculty and students in the university's media program left a computer in the monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo in southwest England, home to six Sulawesi crested macaques (search). Then, they waited.At first, said Phillips, "the lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of it."Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard," added Phillips, who runs the university's Institute of Digital Arts and Technologies.Eventually, monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan produced five pages of text, composed primarily of the letter S. Later, the letters A, J, L and M crept in — not quite literature.

posted by d @ 9/20/2004 01:40:07 PM 2 comments
fuckin pinko
so i hve now reestablished a link with the russians mad soliloquy. i must at this point vent my frustration with his decision to cut ties with the former blogger. the format is exactly the same. which makes one wonder why he would change. if it was simply to confuse people, then the russian should be commended as his mission is indeed accomplished. if it was to simply make us all forget how awful his original work was, then i must call him a sissy, and remind him that he may be able to run from the truth, but he cannot hide. here is a link to his former blog, so that we may all revel in its mediocrity one last time.forgotten blogmy car has blown up again. i will soon give up on driving entirely. it is not worth the trouble. instead i will move to a part of the globe not requiring one to own a car to move about. damn this city and its awful urban sprawl and therefore its horrendous public transit. fruitcakes of doom to you city! fruitcakes of doom!
posted by d @ 9/20/2004 01:21:49 PM 1 comments
Thursday, September 16, 2004
hellbound and down
so heres how i rate on dantes test which you can take by clicking below. i am apparently lustful, fraudulent, malicious, and a panderer. i myself would tend to disagree and would think i would fall more in the violent wrathful categories so i could do away with a world full of stupid motherfuckers. however, when there is a whole list of true false questions that absolutely cannot be answered with a simple true or false, i guess this is what you end up with. whatever.
The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to... the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!The MalebolgeMany and varied sinners suffer eternally in the multi-leveled Malebolge, an ampitheatre-shapped pit of despair Wholly of stone and of an iron colour: Those guilty of fraudulence and malice; the seducers and pimps, who are whipped by horned demons; the hypocrites, who struggle to walk in lead-lined cloaks; the barraters, who are ducked in boiling pitch by demons known as the Malebranche. The simonists, wedged into stone holes, and whose feet are licked by flames, kick and writhe desperately. The magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, and panderers are all here, as are the thieves. Some wallow in human excrement. Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sick on the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite them with its hammer.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level
Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)
Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)
Low
Level 2 (Lustful)
High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)
Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)
Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)
Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)
Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)
Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)
High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)
Low
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
posted by d @ 9/16/2004 01:31:42 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
a p.s. from one of my email updates
this came directly from one of my emails. solid stuff here.
oh yes, p.s.- i saw a goat fart twice today, it was indeed as funny as one mightimagine. and unlike humans goats do not seem to be the least bitself-conscious about such natural occurances, hence the encore.
posted by d @ 9/15/2004 02:23:12 PM 2 comments
its only wednesday?
well, hello there. what a lovely audience. i shall now regale you with my latest news. i cut my hair yesterday. it is short. several students laughed at me. i gave them zeros, as it is bad policy to laugh at the teacher. i went to north carolina this weekend. it was lovely. it was also really quite simple to get there. last time boyd and i went, i seem to remember getting pretty horribly lost on the way and getting a ticket and having a miserable experince overall. this time was solid though. of course, the burger is much more hospitable than joes miniature ass, so maybe that had something to do with it. i stayed in the dorm, which is easily 10,000 times nicer than creswell, and way cleaner, and is not inhabited by frat types and aspiring frat types an overwhelming majority of douchebags and instead seems to be mostly full of people who did not infuriate me, which is nice. i will say however, that the doors are like on hinges that automatically close and the slamming interrupted my sleep too often. but one gripe is not bad on the whole. i ate like a champ the whole time there as the food we had was indeed stellar, as the burger has mentioned on her blog. heck, i even got to watch the georgia game, shitty as it was. the only thing i would say that georgia did better was the karaoke. the place we went to had a pretty puny crowd, and as a result alarmingly bad karaoke singers. this however could have been caused by the fight which occurred like right before we got there. i also finally saw most of farenheight 9/11. solid propaganda there folks. unfortunately having short legs means i am not able to make many of the leaps michael moore is asking his audience make in regards to the bush-bin-laden-oil-terror-and-war-conspiracy or whatever the fuck the ultimate point of the movie was. bush shouldnt be president? fine. must you really show napalm burned bodies and public executions to persuade us of this? i think not.moving on. i will now print my latest bowling scores.180-170-160.very solid over a three game span if i do say so myself. needless to say, we destroyed the competition. next week i will likely bowl 85s or something, so i must revel in this while i can.i am currently seeking copies of "the well"- the newsletter (if you can call it that) that boyd and i wrote while we were incarcerated in creswell hall. if anyone knows of the whereabouts of any of these mailings, please forward them back to me. my emails do not contain them anymore, even though i thought they did. does yahoo mail delete shit after a point or no? i am curious. however, while looking for the well in my email vaults i came across darci hennek's scathing email response to my sarcastic furious rant on everyone from france the first week i was there when everyone else was getting emails from friends and i was getting nothing. i will publish that email in its entirety now, for you fellow blog readers. in an email entitled "NO- derek you suck!"-
Derek,Why the hell would I email you after I haven't talked to you in 3 years?you def don't get any sympathy from me since I was in Australia for 6 months anddidn't hear from you. I would love to hear anything productive about our oldfriends from high school, but if you are just going to send emails aboutdrunkiness, foul language, and stupid shit then please take me off your emaillist. For the rest of you- hope you're doing well and miss you! Derek- hope yourpessimism about other countries gets better or else you're cheating yourself outof an amazing experience abroad. Darci
apparently sarcasm doesnt translate well in print. oops. didnt mean to infuriate, though i do still find this email rather humorous. man was she mad.anyhow, i must now go play xbox or something. i am tired of typing. plus nobody really reads this shit anyhow. done.
posted by d @ 9/15/2004 01:56:43 PM 1 comments
Monday, September 06, 2004
scandalous roadtrip aka its about to get thuggish in here
so let me spare you the boring details and skip right to game day, perhaps better known as "the biggest fiasco to ever occur". so we start tailgaiting at about 1030 am, which is like 2.5 hours later than we planned to start, but still like 10 hours before game time. we are parked behind some dump of a frat house and there is literally NO ONE else around. we seem to be the only heavyweights in knoxville. skipping ahead, by like 1230 we have decided that this place is dead anyway, and so we have moved locations, now in front of the frat house where there is like 8 people tailgating. skipping ahead again. billy takes a picture with that mangy piece of shit smokey, jamie is like making the rounds talking to a bunch of men in orange, and eveyone else is proceeding to get obliterated. shotgunning beers is never a good idea (and i am proud to say that i was the only one strong enough to resist the peer pressure, and thus the only one who did not shotgun a beer. call me what you will, i would prefer not to throw up in the stadium). by like 5pm, still 3 hours left to kickoff, everyone is fucking ripped. derosa has spent time macking on some girl in purple (which is like 6 billion steps up from that piss ass orange they wear at that place) . dave can no longer be understood due to the thickness of his ever increasing accent. i am ready to go home. jason keep asking if we really need to go to the game. coffield is getting out of control and tyler keeps disappearing to locations unknown. so by the time we start heading for the game we are all pretty much shitfaced. jamie has now changed into his red georgia shirt which is causing all kinds messes. so off we go. we do not make it even 100 yards before we are in the midst of a controversy. heres how it went down.so we are walking to the stadium, the ten of us, and jamie in his red shirt making an ass of himself. he turns to me and i punch him in the chest because hes wearing a georgia shirt and we are at tennessee. im totally dicking around with him. he whirls back around at me pretending hes gonna fuck me up, still just fucking around, and i say, "dude it wasnt me, it was that guy", and point to some random dude. this is meant to be funny due to the fact that i punched jamie in the chest and thus he totally saw me do it. but this guy apparently doesnt get the joke and starts in on what we dont know at the time will become his fucking mantra. "ive served overseas," which is meaningless to me and makes absolutely no sense in the context of anything that is happening. but anyhow, trying to appear to be social i take the nugget that hes given us about being a marine, and billy joins in, and we tell old pal that tyler is in the navy. this apparently does not impress him as he calls tyler and his fellow marines pussies and calls us pussies and rambles on along. well billy will not stand for this abrupt end to the conversation and attempts to engage this fellow in a dialogue about the tradition and passion surrounding the annual army-navy rivalry game. this oh so sociable chap thinks all of this is hogwash and tells us so in not so many words, by again calling us all pussies and fags and reiterating that he has "served overseas." this is apparently a great distinction from his common man. we should all hope one day to "serve overseas." anyhow, at this point billy gives up as old duder is getting more and more worked up and convinced that we are his "veit-cong"or whatever well armed advesary he faced, and so derosa steps forth to attempt to calm this guy down. it looks for a moment as though derosa has diffused the situation, however looks can be decieving. apparently, old shitbag was not laughing with derosa in a jovial manner as i had assumed, but instead was laughing at derosa and the rest of us in a manner that seemed to suggest that we could not understand him at all because we had not "served overseas" and were in fact causing him great stress and trauma by making him relive his experience at said location and to make things right we were either to swing at him so he could beat us senseless or go home and fuck each other. the latter suggestion was at this point given much more thought at length as he, while walking just ahead of us, now with a gaggle of men he picked up just at the point where it looked like he might get beat down by the 10 of us, enlightened his fellow travellers with tales of what we did in our spare time; i assume "we" were at this point me, coffield, and derosa, since the others seemed to have fallen back a bit. not one to allow others to have any misconcetions when i could just as well educate them of the truth, when asked rhetorically "i wonder which one of them is the bitch and which one is the butch," insisted that I good sir was the bitch and that i was on the recieving end every evening whenever coffield wanted to be the giver. this seemed not to pacify the gentleman, but rather to incite him further, and as we proceeded to the stadium, he became more vocal in his insistence that he had "served overseas" and that we were in fact extremely homosexual. and then for some reason he turned back and seemed to single out derosa and insist that derosa should swing at him so he would have justification to beat derosas ass. derosa meanwhile says that he isnt really in a fighting mood, what with it being sunday and all, but that if the distinguished marine would like to have the honor of throwing the first in a series of blows, then he (derosa) would certainly return the favor. at this point our new friend became adamant that we were disrespecting him and that if anyone should be respected it is he, after all he had "served overseas." perhaps i forgot to mention that right before his verbal assault on derosa he had called us "fucking democrats," to which i of course responded, "yes, we are all big kerry supporters. i love the guy. i hear hes been overseas." this did not have the desired effect of pacifying the man in the orange hat either, and instead incensed him. so as the guy is screaming at derosa and as it is very rapidly looking like we will all be spending the night in jail after a royal rumble, old pals frind comes up to me and asks what the problem is. i tell him, "well your boy there wont shut the fuck up," to which he responds, "thats not my boy. he may be in my fraternity, but he aint my boy." i insist that he is more his than mine at this point, to which he conceeds. he insists that "his boy" is just really drunk. we have been drinking for roughly 10 hours at this point so i tell this mediator that we too are a bit tipsy and to simply remove his breathren from our quadrant as rapidly as possible to avoid the forseeable dispute. he quickly ushers his party away. tyler however, does not see the negotiation or the amicable end of the affair, so he grabs derosa very firmly by the collar and grabs me in a similar manner and yells at us to "stop" because "i am not going to fight this guy tonight," which to be fair tyler, was the whole point of the entire discussion, us simply trying to assure our fellow football fan that we had no intentions of causing him bodily harm. unfortunately, knoxvilles finest were arriving on the scene just in time to see tyler yell and grab derosa and myself, and singled out tyler and derosa for a little chat. i kept walking knowing that to stop would be foolish unless specifically ordered by the boys in blue to do so. jamie meanwhile has gone a bit ahead and is antagonising the crowd by yelling "go vols" in his red georgia shirt. derosa and tyler are ordered to stand with their backs to the brick wall while our heroic officers converse with them. i have since been informed that there was indeed a "good cop" and a "bad cop". as derosa is being lectured by the 5-0 his lady in purple walks right by. i am unaware of whether she noticed derosa in particular (they seemed to have quite a good vibe while tailgaiting and talking, but who's to know really), but honestly, who doesnt take notice of drunk rascals being lectured by the po-po at a football game. finally derosa and tyler are forced to relinquish their tickets and evacuate the premises. we are now down to eight men. we head for our gate to enter neyland stadium. we are seperated. billy and big papa boyd are nowhere to be found when we enter the stadium. we get to the gate. coffield becomes concerned because he does not have his ticket. we go in anyway and attempt to call billy, who had all of the tickets to begin with, to come give coffield his and let him in. coffield is the drunkest of us all. we cannot contact billy, so several of us decide to go find our seats and hope they boyds are thereand then come and retrieve coffield. we find boyd in the stands. he insists that coffield has his ticket. after several minutes on the phone he says he is going to go find coffield and tell him he has his ticket and bring him back to us. we never see the biller again. down to six people at this point. the game begins. roughly hafway through the first quarter jason and dave get up to go to the bathroom. they say they will be right back. we never see them again. down to four. jamie and i leave with three minutes to go in the half. on the way back to the car i stop to puke. i feel better. we are lost though. somehow we find our way back, rediscovering some of our party on the way. billy, coffield, tyler, and derosa are all still missing though. after a tight squeeze out of the parking lot we finally get back to the hotel. i am going to puke again, i can tell. however, i am a man of discipline and know that i can at least make it to my room on the eighth floor of the hotel. i finally get to the elevator. i am close to collapsing and letting vomit just spray where it will. 8 floors to go. on floor 2 the elevator stops. this is no good. a fmaily gets on from the pool. i attempt to stand upright. its rough. the elevator stops on floor 4 to let the family off. TAKE THE FUCKING STAIRS!!! i am very close to regurgitation. i almost follow them off at floor four and use the trash can right outside the elevator. i figure this is bad policy in front of 3 little kids. floor 8 here i come. finally i reach floor 8. i can just make it to the room probably before spewing. i put my key in the lock; please god let it work the first time. i see the little green light. i push it open. the bar lock is on. why in gods name would they lock the fucking bar lock! it comes up. i turn and vomit in the hallway. a lot. i then fight my way vertical and proceed to bang on the door forever. finally derosa stumbles to the door and opens it after some trouble. apparently he too is suprised that that fucking bar lock is on. i pass out soon afterward. a while later tyler comes into the room and jumps on top of me and attempts to hump me. i fall asleep again. i wake up this morning to sounds of someone puking loudly in the bathroom. it is coffield. he says later, "i dont know what happened last night, but i dont really remember going to the game, and i have this unused ticket in my pocket."it is learned later that coffield wandered alone for a while totally lost. he knows he was lost in a parking deck somewhere riding up and down on the elevator but never finding the exit. derosa and tyler went to a bar and took shots of yager until derosa had to leave to go search random parking decks for coffield. he hars from coffield a little while later when he (derosa) is in a parking deck. coffield says he is now back at the hotel. derosa is told that he is 4 miles from the hotel and so makes a mad dash through knoxville in an attempt to get back before sunrise. tyler meanwhile has left the bar and headed to the tallest building he sees thinking that this must be the hotel. unfortunately the tall building he aimed for is in the opposite direction from the hotel. he too gets lost and is soon accosted by a bum who aks for some spare change. tyelr says, "dude, ill give you 20 bucks if you can tell me how to get to the holiday inn." the bum obliges, as does tyler. all parties leave happy. billy is not seen again that night, but shows up in one piece in the morning, so no one asks too many questions.so there you have it. an insiders account of the scandalous happenings of the road trip to knoxville. next years "thuggish roadtrip" will hopefully go smoother, but one never knows.
posted by d @ 9/6/2004 04:27:28 PM 5 comments
Thursday, September 02, 2004
god hates me
well its official. i have the worst luck of any human to ever step inside an automobile. it never fails. if it isnt a ticket its a flat tire, if it isnt a flat tire its my engine blowing up, if my engine checks out ok then of course its a fucking ticket. so here i am yesterday, on my way to stone mountain park to get my last paycheck, which i know cannot be more than like 30 dollars, but its 30 dollars i can use so im going to get it from those fuckers before they void my check. so im headed through stone mountain village and i think "oh shit, id better buckle up before i go past the police station and get a ticket." so i buckle, right about in the spot where the speed limit drops from 45 to 35. then i look up and of course theres a fucking cop clocking people, and im not really going fast so im not too worried, but then i see him lower his radar gunand since there is nobody else on the fucking road i know i am totally fucked here. so of course he pulls me over and tells me i shouldnt be speeding and takes my shit. and he doesnt tell me how fast i was going until he writes me a ticket and brings it back. take a guess. how fast was i going right when the limit drops from 45 to 35? forty-fucking-eight. 48! three miles over, then 13 miles over. and he gives me a ticket thats gonna cost me 121.50! fucker! good to know that the trip to get my 26 dollar check was so worthwhile. i am choosing to blame this on stone mountain park. if they would have just given me my fucking check when they fired me instead of holding it and fucking me over, i wouldnt have this problem. but no. they keep it, they make me come and get it rather than mailing it and then to add insult to injury i open the check and see under the section marked "other pay", the part counting money other than my 2.13 per hour, i see that i have recieved an additional $.01. so apparently my severance is to the tune of one fucking penny. god do i fucking hate that park. mark my words, when i become czar of america i am blowing that god forsaken rock right off the face of the planet.on a lighter note, i assigned like 12 detentions today. cocksuckers tried to call my bluff. i gave two detentions to one kid. i am making them show up at 630 in the morning since i leave the building at like 11am. ha! hows that for punishment. one kid tried to give me some sob story about having a 30 minute drive to school every day. i told him i guess hed just have to leave the house at 6 then. that brightened my day. anyhow. im hungry. chelf, out.
posted by d @ 9/2/2004 12:18:32 PM 2 comments
Friday, August 27, 2004
olympics
well i made the mistake just now of watching the olympic basketball game today because apparently i just was not quite angry enough and needed something to infuriate me. here is what i have decided.
international referees should have their heads chopped off because they are fucking awful. i mean, when marbury punches a guy in the face right in front of them and they let the game continue; horrendous.
the united states needs to learn how to play defense against the three pointer and the outside screen. just terrible to let that team have that many wide open looks at the basket from three point range.
if i ever see a u.s. team give up a four point play again (as they did in every single one of the games i watched during the olympics) i will personally see to it that they never compete in the olympics again. that shit is just unacceptable.
stephon marbury is the only player allowed to shoot the ball on offense, which is fine cause hes the only one who fucking shows up on the offensive end anyhow.
where are the centers and power forwards!!!!!! we have a fucking team of three guards and nothing else! terrible! either make shaquille oneal and kevin garnett play or put them in prison for fucking treason.
i swear, if i have to watch another spectacle like that unfold in my lifetime, i will try out for the fucking team myself and make an absolute mockery of the entire process, as if it isnt that way already. dream team? what a fucking nightmare.
posted by d @ 8/27/2004 03:07:36 PM 5 comments
reprimand
so its happened. apparently i didnt knock on the right wood or something. like one day after my last post i got it. i have now had two stern talkings to. apparently one should never attempt to make learning more interesting than the shit the book gives you. oh well, sucks for the poor bastards in my class who now have to be bored to death for the remainder of the year. anywho, here goes another humorous post from mcsweeneys. i anticipate carlson enjoying this more than anyone else, simply due to his strange affinity for anything related to the eighty's. it has no hasselhoff reference, but i still think he will enjoy it.
The A-Team Resolves Lapses in Homeland Security.BY RYAN BOUDINOT- - - -Threat: AlQaeda operatives use New York City tourist helicopters to crash intotargets.Solution: Erect fake backdrops of New York City skyline athelicopter landing pads. Use smoke machines to generate artificial fog.Rejiggerinstrument panel to falsely indicate helicopter is gainingaltitude. DisguiseMurdock and B.A. as pilots. When terrorists expressconfusion, clock them withhelicopter helmets.Threat: Terroristsdetonate bomb loaded with nuclearmaterials in heavily populatedarea.Solution: Murdock and Face knock on doorof terrorist sleeper celldisguised as pest-control authorities. Meanwhile,Hannibal unleashescockroaches in air vents to give terrorists the willies.Murdock and Facegain entry. While terrorists' attention is diverted, replaceradioactivematerials with horse manure. Later, when bomb detonates harmlessly,haveB.A. deliver line, "Now that's what I call a dirty bomb."Threat: Carbomb.Solution: With soldering iron and sheets of corrugated tin,disguiseurban assault vehicle as ice-cream truck. As terrorist parksbomb-loadedvehicle, Murdock engages terrorist in argument about whoseparking space it is.While terrorist is diverted, Face enters vehicle andsnips bomb wires with wirecutter. Should a high-speed chase ensue, usegrenade launchers mounted beneathice-cream truck to make terrorist'svehicle explode and flip onto its roof.Watch terrorist groggily climb fromvehicle, clutching head.Threat: Shippingcontainers packedwith explosivematerials.Solution: Tranquilize B.A. withdrugged powdered donut. Flydrugged B.A. to Pakistan, to meet Face and Hannibal,both disguised asradical clerics. Locate plans for ship-container plotemploying theseductive help of token female member of A-Team. Hide B.A. inshippingcontainer. Upon arrival at American port, have B.A. burst from shippingcontainer in dune buggy he crafted from materials found in container. HaveHannibal chew cigar and deliver line, "I love it when a plan comestogether."
posted by d @ 8/27/2004 12:11:03 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
resurrection
the blog is back. after a summer spent hibernating, i now have access to computers that will allow me to log on to the blogger and give my vast audience crucial updates. so here goes.i have joined a bowling league. every monday night i drive to roswell or marrietta orsomewhere like that and throw balls at bins. my average was a pretty stout (if i do say so myself) 140 or so until this past week when i apparently decided it would be fun to suck total ass. an 89 in the first game. then a 113. the third game was better, but too little too late and my team ended up losing to a team that doesnt exist. solid stuff there huh. must rebound next week and record a fucking w.a job. half time dealing with the hooligans here at shiloh. i threaten them with fs and insult them on a pretty regular basis, but so far i have yet to be called into an administrators office to chat (knock on wood), so so far so good. im done at 10:30 or so every day which is nice, unless of course i stay for some reason, but still, half days are sweet.i have adopted two turtles from the burger. at least for now. they like me, i think.dans wedding was a success i guess. i mean, they did at least get married, which was kinda the whole point, so i guess that makes it a success. the fucking wedding planner was a total psycho and she hatd me with a passion even though i was on my best behavior. apparently i could do nothing right, including walk, and so i was reprimanded damn near every time she saw me. golf the morning of the wedding went pretty well, at least on the back nine, and i will be earning my tour card soon. the rest of the wedding details i can do without typing right now. maybe later. doubtful, but we shall see.i may be adding to the shortbus one of these days, but that too requires effort, and well, some days im just not into exerting a whole lot of that, so again, we shall see.ohhhhh, the firing. man will i have to rant on stone mountain park for a while. but i dont know if i want to get furious at the present moment, so that too will have to wait.quincy carter a jet? fantastic. hell have that starting job just as soon as he learns the playbook, so maybe in three years.my fantasy baseball team cannot stay even remotely healthy, hence the name change to team balsa. they are to easily broken. i have given up on this season. and they look so good on paper.everyone should go to mcsweeneys and check out the story called "winnie the pooh is my co-worker". you may have to go to the archives to get it, but it will be right near the top in the archives section and it is well worth the search. in fact, fuck it, ill tack it right onto my blogger. here goes.Winnie-the-PoohIs My Co-worker.BY JOHN MOE- - - -March 5Maureen brought the new guy around who's going to be working in our group. After the Jason fiasco, we really could use someone with a little bit of a brain who can keep up on things. This guy's named Winnie and, I don't know, I just have a bad feeling.March 9I've been training Winnie for three days now and I'm ready to kill him. I showed him how the spreadsheets are updated on the network, and he just stared at me with this blank expression. I tried to demonstrate the copy machine, but he somehow got his head stuck in one of the slots. I heard his muffled cry of "Oh, bother!" as five of us worked on getting him out. Honestly, is this the best that recruiting could do? Kirk thinks Winnie might be someone's cousin or something. Not a bad explanation, except that we don't have any other yellow bears working here.March 11Although he's worthless, everyone loves Winnie. The girls from marketing come by at least a couple of times a day to hang around his cubicle and talk to him. It's not like they respect his work, since he doesn't do any. And I don't think they even respect him. They're just there to be, like, amused. If he were to make a move on one of them, they'd shoot him down so fast. I mean, I don't respect Winnie, either, but at least I keep my distance.March 15I gave Winnie this file of research material on Crawford & Horowitz, because I thought he might want to read up on it before the group meeting tomorrow. I'm doing him a favor, right? So I go to get it back from him after lunch and find Winnie sitting on the floor, his hand in a honey jar, and all this paperwork, including the file I need, smeared with thick honey. It's unusable now. I might as well throw it away. Trying not to just go off on the bear, I asked him what the hell happened. He looked all confused and mumbled something about needing "a little post-lunch snack." Jesus. Have a freakin' apple, dude.March 16Turns out Winnie got honey all over his keyboard as well. So what happens? They bring him a whole new computer. Top of the line machine, too. Here I've been pounding away on this ancient piece of crap for years, and Mr. Honeypot gets a whole new setup. The tech guy who came by said it looked like Winnie had never even turned the old machine on.March 19Winnie's friends came by to take him out for lunch today: a little pig, a pissed-off-looking rabbit, an adolescent kangaroo, and a tiger that had to be on coke. Kirk said he saw them at Sbarro eating their slices and looking scared out of their minds. I guess they live way out in the country or something, so I bet the big city blew their minds. Winnie was really happy around them, though. I guess that's good, since he's just been sitting around here moping all the time and staring out the window. He should just leave and spend all his time with them.March 26Three times this week, Winnie's asked if I want to join him for a picnic or maybe an adventure. No thanks, I tell him very pointedly, I have a lot of work to do. He just sighs and walks off on his own. Silly old bear.March 30It's Robin. Walt Robin, the V.P. of finance. That's how Winnie got the job. Apparently, Winnie has some sort of relationship with Robin's grandson or nephew or something. That's what Kirk told me, and he knows someone in H.R. Frankly, I wonder if that's going to be enough to let Winnie stick around. He showed up three hours late today and gave this long story about being chased by bees. Then he brought out another honey pot (his cubicle is covered with empty ones), ate the honey with his hands for a while, and passed out on his desk. I mean, it's so far beyond just not contributing to the workload at this point. It's unhygienic for us, and he's so clearly not healthy. Someone should do something. The little bitch Tami from marketing came by to rub his tummy. Unbelievable.April 6Winnie hasn't shown up in three days. I figured he called in sick, but I guess no one's heard anything. He has no phone, so no one's been able to reach him.April 7H.R. asked me to drive out to Winnie's house, since I'm his best friend at the company (sad). I followed the directions and found him in this hollowed-out tree where he apparently lives. He must have offered me honey like 12 times. I have to admit, he looked happier than he ever did at work. I asked if he was planning on coming back to work, but he just said that the office was "quite an adventure" but that he was "glad to be home." He really is a nice guy, but I think it's better for everyone that it's over. He told me to come back and visit sometime and I lied and said I would.there you have it. and there you have the first post of my comeback tour. hopefully i will be able to sustain the blogger for a while this time around. anywho, for now i am out. derek chelf, signing off.

Monday, April 19, 2004
a brief translation of dougs most recent post
here you go, cause fuck if i want to try to decipher all that shit either. (listening to thelonious monk now for those keeping score) (i think it was thursday we were listening to during poker, maybe some incubus too, and of course dougs itunes)so the hand starts with ten dudes at the table. doug is in the middle of the pack money-wise at 89 bucks. we started at 151 i believe, so weve gotten down pretty bad, things arent looking so hot, we cant get good hands for shit, but we are at least at a higher stakes table, where one win could give us quite a bit of money.so the cards get dealt. weve got two kings, clubs and spades. second best hand in poker as doug points out. this is texas holdum by the way. we keep two cards, five go face up for everyone to use. you make your best hand with your two and the five. one dude folds.the next dude raises. doug raises back, because at this point everyones only got two cards, and the only way this shitbag can be ahead of us at this point is if hes got two aces, which we are betting he doesnt have.six more people fold, meaning seven of the ten are out already.the next dude raises again. still only two cards each out.doug and the other dude call his raise.okay, now the first three cards are dealt in the center of the table, these are the ones anyone can use to make their hand. theres a three of diamonds, a king of diamonds, and an eight of clubs. right now it is impossible for anyone to be beating us since there is a king on the table. we now have three kings and will be betting the house because of this.doug raises, and for some reason this bryons charcater (spelled like bryon russell, i mean that right there automatically makes him a loser) keeps rasing back, apparently thinking we are retards and will just hand him all of our money betting on the fact that he must have a better hand, which is of course an impossibility at this point.the other dude is rasing too, so now we know weve got idiots on our hands and the pot keeps growing.next card dealt is a two of clubs. doesnt help, but sure doesnt hurt.doug raises, they raise back, morons.next card is a two of spades. only way to lose is if someone has two 2s in their hand now that there are two on the table. but no one with two 2s would be rasing like this so we are pretty much in great shape.one dude bets, the other folds (after this long!!!).doug raisesdude raisesdoug raisesdude calls. doug takes all of his money and collapses on the floor. we have taken 72 bucks from bryons, and won 193 total (netting 121) raising our total bank to a whopping 210 dollars. full house, kings over twos- beautiful thing.
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# posted by derek : 4/19/2004 09:52:08 PM
here comes the boom
the title of this blog is of course from zebrahead's classic song "get back". thought it was an appropraite way to introduce my first blog in a week or so. i am currently listening to the zebrahead cd which i had to dig very very very deep to find buried here in this room of mine. dan made a pretty big impulse purchase today of a new computer, so i have now run off with his old one and moved it to my room where i will attempt to kill it like i killed my old one. shouldnt take too long. not too terribly much going on lately. ive been rehired at stone mountain park. of course lord only knows when i will be able to start working due to the fact that they stil have not reopened miss katies and every saturday of mine is booked from now through like june 12th. oh well. gota go into atl tomorrow morning and do some stupid ass orientation type thing. done it like 47 times before. completely worthless, but i suppose i will make all of like 8 dollars for doing it. cant wait for my tax checks; im getting like 700 bucks back or something like that. how nice will that be.went to the renaissance festival this past weekend. it was hot. i thought it was fun to watch the comingling of those who are like totally into the festival and are all dressed up (one couple was actually shopping for a wedding dress there) and those who just kind of show up in khaki shorts and t shirts.now listening to cowboy mouth and "jenny says". that song rocked, and that band kicks ass live, what with the drummer flailing away and singing and spitting all over the crowd as he does so. good stuff. very solid being able to wake up and watch super early baseball today. pops got the job as principal at lakeside. that means cable at home. finally, after only about twenty three years.gonna post the thing from mcsweeney's today below. its pretty funny.no posts for the next two days as i will be in atlanta. sorry. deal with it. ooooo, and of course how could i forget to mention the most disturbing news of the week. ray. why, ray, why. this information is unaccaptable. for those who dont know, ray has turned on us all. i wondered which of my friends would be the first to french a man, now i know. rumpshaker himself enjoying the pleasures of making out with men. figures. i am currently being bombarded by emails from my classmates on the listserve bragging about the jobs they are getting. i cant even get a fucking interview and every day i have to deal with these intolerably irritating sluts boasting about how excited they are to start their wonderful new jobs in august. whores. now that pops is a principal maybe i can get him to compromise his integrity immediately and reap the benefits of nepotism. we shall see. my fantasy baseball team continues to underachieve. sosa hitting into double plays with one out and the bases loaded. cocksucker. why must he hate me. i suppose thats what i get for drafting such a piece of shit in the first round. at least aramis ramirez is hot now. if my pitchers would show up id be good.ah- solid- got some mc solaar playing now. gotta love the french rap. cant understand anything he is saying, but there is a kick ass violin part in this song so its all good.my basketball dynasty is taking shape. i had to leave georgia due to the fact that they did not worship me quite as much as they should have with my disturbingly good record. i now coach the tigers of the university of pacific. my third year. started with a one star team, i have now won two conference titles (not saying much in the big west) and made two tournament appearences, winning one game in each appearance. the recruiting is starting to get a bit easier. soon i will have another utep on my hands.well, i have grown boreed with this post and will now be moving on to more excitig things. maybe i will get back to tiger woods, its been far too long. out.AN OPEN LETTER TO WILLIAM KRISTOL, RICHARD PERLE, AND PRESIDENT BUSH'S OTHER NEOCONSERVATIVE PUPPETMASTERS BY JOHN WARNER- - - -Dear Bill, Dick, et al.: Why didn't you tell President Bush to invade Western Australia first? I've been playing Risk: The Game of Global Domination since I was eight years old and never, never have I seen someone win the game by massing their forces in the Middle East at the beginning of the game. Too many borders! Impossible to reinforce! Enemies from all directions! Australia, on the other hand, is easily conquered. Start in Western Australia, make a straight-line march through eastern Australia, then on into New Zealand and New Guinea, and finally up to Siam, sealing the entire continent and guaranteeing an extra two armies per turn for the duration of game. (Ask Secretary Rumsfeld if those would come in handy.) Once in Siam, you can leave the remainder of your provinces virtually unguarded and mass your armies of the Far East to eventually move north into Siberia, Irkutsk and Kamchatka, ultimately overtaking the entire Asian continent (seven extra armies per turn), including, finally, the Middle East. Starting in South America is okay, too, if your brat cousin Ronald refuses to play if he doesn't get to go first, and Africa will do in a pinch if you want to change things up, but you better roll some sixes, mutherfuckers, or you'll be knocked out of the game, which means you're available to do stuff like pick up the dog crap in the backyard, or wax your grandfather's back, "since you're just watching." (Thanks, Mom.) I hear that, after watching President Bush's press conference, Mr. Kristol was "depressed." If he was depressed, think about the rest of us, who weren't part of the shadowy extra-governmental cabal that helped install him in the White House in the first place. The history books will write your epitaphs and they won't be pretty: "Neoconservatives: A late-twentieth-, early-twenty-first-century American political movement that stressed the supremacy of the American empire, but was too stupid to invade Australia first." Think it over, John Warner
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# posted by derek : 4/19/2004 09:30:12 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2004
sorry
sorry about the lack of posts. i will do better.look at mcsweeneys today if you are a fantasy baseball type. their fantasy baseball shite is pretty hilarious.
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# posted by derek : 4/15/2004 12:22:42 PM
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
basketball pool
i win, i win!figures its the year i didnt have any money on the damn thing. also the only year i can remember where i actually gained momentum as the tourney progressed. its usually the opposite. i usually get em all in the first round, then tank.ive added new links. they are more for my benefit than for yours, but you can look at them if you want. im guessing they will bore you.gonna be out of town for the next five days or so. expect no posts. but im sure to return with a vengeance. til the, im out.oh yeah, dan- im pretty sure your boy dave did some chick in your bed last night. not positive, but i can speculate. they were drinking pretty heavily.
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# posted by derek : 4/6/2004 10:45:25 PM
Monday, April 05, 2004
booklist
i made a list on april 2nd of last year listing some of the books i had read in the past several months. i will now make another list. perhaps i will even add a blurb or two about each book, because i do not have enough to do.those i've read-fierce invalids home from hot climates- tom robbinsabout an cia agent who gets cursed by a pyramid headed jungle dude in south america and his globetrotting adventured trying to get it fixed while also trying to mount his 16 year old step sister. tom robbins always writes sexually charged books. no exception here. the main character was hilarious though.jitterbug perfume- tom robbinsalso lots of sex related shite. its about beets, and living forever, and perfume. good though. pan, the horny half goat half man god, is a character.the mysteries of pittsburgh- michael chabonthe dude that wrote wonderboys. its about the summer after this dude graduates from college. his dad is a mafia dude or something. he cant decide if hes gay or not. got kind of gay heavy towards the end, but good nonetheless. first half was better though i think.mcsweeneys mammoth treasury of thrilling tales- edited by michael chabonmost of these are good short stories and some are really cool. just make sure to avoid 'catskin' by kelly link, worst thing ive ever read. some of these short stories arent so short either.the stranger- albert camusabout a dude who kills a stranger on a beach in algeria. nuf said.brighten the corner where you are- fred chappellabout the adventures or misadventures of a crazy southern country schoolteacher in like the 20s or 30s or 40s or somewhere in there. pretty funny. almost more short stories that end up forming a big story. couldnt have read it in high school, would have bored me.a heartbreaking work of staggering genius- dave eggersthis book ruled. its old pals memoir of when his parentsdied when he was like 22 and he ended up having to raise his younger, like 12 year old, brother. funny stuff most of the time.you shall know our velocity- dave eggersfiction. about these two guys who try to go around the world in like a week and give away 80,000 dollars that one of them inherited. quality shit. this is the dude who started mcsweeney's, by the way.best nonrequired reading of 2002- edited by dave eggersal kinds of shit from fiction to nonfiction to sporstwriting to stuff from the onion. most of it is pretty damn good, though the flow of the book, authors listed alphabetically, is kind of rough.girl with curious hair- david foster wallaceshort stories. this author rules.a confederacy of dunces- john kennedy tooleabout this crazy fucked up fat man who bumbles his way through life and writes long letters about how miserable everyone is. if i remember right he hates his ex-girlfriend but she wont leave him alone. very funny due to the fact that this guy is such a shithead. he fucks everything up, and then blames it on everyone else. good stuff.the scarlet letter- nathaniel hawthornehad to read it to teach it. makes me never want to teach it again. this book still sucks.the great gatsby- f scott fitzgeraldagain, read it for class. this one though turned out to be pretty good. all kinds of crazy shit ends up happening, and the big print made it go by pretty fast. the dharma bums- jack kerouaci think kerouac is one of those love him or hate him types. hes big into zen and buddhist shit. but i like it. plus on the road is one of my favorite books ever. its no on the road, but this one was pretty good. talks about his time on a mountain by himself and hiking and camping with his boy and some of the shit they did.civilwarland in bad decline- george saundersthis guys stories are always about the future and kind of like theme park existences of characters. its a book of short stories with several different theme parks where the people have to live as charcters from the time period and deal with all the shit of the period as well as the cheap shit their managment throws at them. think of being stuck in miss katies and crossroads forever, with the same shitty bosses and people gawking at you all the time, but really having to stay in character and care about your job cause the rest of your world is like dirt poor. crazy shit. cool stories though.deadeye dick- kurt vonnegutvonnegut rules.pimp- iceberg slimthe story of his life as a pimp, from his lowly beginnings through his rise to the top. pretty fascinating if i do say so myself. small print though.death comes for the archbishop- willa catheranother book i didnt read in high school. had to read it to teach it though. turned out to be pretty good, but again, i couldnt have read it in high school, would have bored me.a prayer for owen meany- john irvingirving writes long books that take like 100 pages to get going, but once they get kicking they are really good. this ones the same way. the chocolate war- robert cormieri expected somethng better being that this is like one of those young adult books that is supposed to be really great. it was okay, but i wasnt blown awaythe giver- lois lowrythis one was way better than the chocolate war. kind of in the same sci-fi ish futuristic vein as ayn rand's anthem and civilwarland from saunders. good stuff.holes- louis sachari likes it. way better than the movie. very quick to read and lots of twists and shit.speak- lori halse andersongod forbid i tell my class that this book didnt really do it for me. they nearly caned me. its about a girl that gets raped the summer before entering high school by some older cool dude and her struggles to deal with not being cool, not telling everyone why she called the cops at that party over the summer, and trying to avoid "the beast". it wasnt bad, but parts seemed forced. the watsons go to birmingham-1963- chrisopher paul curtisi liked this one. also a young adult novel for class. went fast though and most of the stories were funny.who killed mr. chippendale- mel glenna story told in poems. kinda cool. short. super quick to read.whirligig- paul fleischmananother ya book for class. this one was decent. not great, but decent. jumps around from different characters to tell the whole story.monster- walter dean myersvery good. half journal, half courtroom screenplay. about a kid arrested and tried for a murder he didnt commit, or tells us he didnt commit. very good.to kill a mockingbird- harper leefinally read it for class. it was pretty good, but too much for two days. man was i tired.the ones im reading now-best nonrequired reading of 2003- edited by dave eggersso far its better than the last one.the umbrella man and other stories- roald dahlsome of these are really good. tarantino's story from "four rooms" is there in slightly different form. very slightly.the fall- albert camusthis should only take like two days. its short with big print.poetry 180- billy collinsalways nice to read poetry that isnt 50 years old or more. this stuff is new and most of it is not horribly hard to understand. most are also pretty short, which is nice.soon to be read-desolation angels- jack kerouacwatership down- richard adamslove in the time of cholera- gabriel garcia marqueza clockwork orange- anthony burgessnaked- david sedarisany suggestions can be sent my way via the comment thingie below. my recommendations- george saunders, dave eggers, david foster wallace ("the broom of the system" before anything else), and a confederacy of dunces. those all rule.
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# posted by derek : 4/5/2004 06:27:35 PM
more memories
some more memorable moments from my blogger as i looked back today. just a few that made me laugh.Monday, October 27, 2003danimals name has now been changed. he will henceforth be known as the stanimal. do not listen to him when he tries to make you call me greg. fuck greg. i, the fury, do not have nicknames. but he does, and it is stanimal.Thursday, October 23, 2003i think billy and mika are wrestling upstairs. im gonna go vomit now. then retire to the vortex for the evening.happy hour at o'sheas. very solid.Thursday, October 16, 2003here it is folks, the early morning blog. didnt go to bed til like 3:30 or so, then up at 8, so i should be in good shape for this 6 hours of class today. perhaps ill pass out face down on the table and refuse to get up or participate. ill let you know how it goes. ive stolen billys drinking hat for the weekend, but he doesnt know so dont tell him. i dont think he will notice. had a chicken biscuit this morning, very solid. my coke awaits me in about 20 minutes or so, for class in the computer lab. psst, youre not supposed to have drinks in there, thats right, im a rebel. this girl in the computer lab here sitting across from me is an intolerable bitch. little does she know i just typed this about her. ha! whore. i hate you! hahahahaha. much maniacal laughter. it should be obvious at this point that i am sleep deprived. fucking roiseanne was on last night instead of threes company, what the fuck? then it was all in the family. thats when i decided sleep was a must, as these shows just arent cutting it for late night entertainment. and whatever happened to family ties. that show was a classic, but aspparently they dont show it anymore, juts this all in the family shite. can we get some sanford and son instead please. they used to have prefect strangers at 4am too, didnt stay up to see if it still came on though. i have my doubts. theyre ruining their linbeup, and i for one wont stand it. i may have to return to dvds at night. damn you nick at nite, damn you. but the cosby show still comes on, cheers too, but now only one episode. anyhow, i feel i amrambling on about tv too much. this ass clown two computers over has a cup full of water, no lid. he is clearly disregarding the sign like driectly in front of him that says, and i quote, "NO OPEN DRINKS (with the no also underlined) please leave open drinks on the front counter. please keep sealed drinks on the floor, NOT on the desktops." his open drink is on the desktop. he just left. i feel i should knock over his drink on the way to the printer. that would teach him. cocksucker. damn, hes back. maybe ill do it anyway. just kind of accisentaly reach over and slap that shit, then be like "oops" all innocent like and walk right out. perhaps. its too early to be awake and the intolerable bitch keeps looking at me and half smiling half sneering cause i think thats all she can make her mouth do; its stuck in some permanent half sneer, it bothers me. im wondering what shit i had to do that i didnt do. class starts in 20. the toddlercock ass clown is driving me nuts. his drink is definitely going over. IB (intolerable bitch) has up and left, finally. TCAC (figure it out) is wearing old school newbies with a button up shirt, unaccaptable. ill stab him with this pen ive got. class in 19. why is there a handicapped sign on the wall here? is that a special computer for the ahndicapped. sweet, on the third floor of a quite handicapped unfriendly building. hey, tods (short of course for toddlercock) use the computer pal or get the fuck out of the lab. he appears to be doing math homework or some such shit. i just looked up toddler in the online dictionary to see if ive been spelling it right. the definition is "something that toddles" which cracks me up. i think i laughed out loud. im that guy now. old toddles was that guy earlier. perhaps thats what first drew my ire. class in 15. about time to go get my coke and plant myself firmly in the back of class before someone else beats me there. this shit is competitive you know. toddles, here goes your water buddy, best watch out. later folks.
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# posted by derek : 4/5/2004 05:41:29 PM
Saturday, April 03, 2004
greenwoods birthday
so i get to greenwoods apartment at like 8pm. me, greenwood, and the mad russian sit around watching o brother where art thou until ten. at this time the decision is made to leave. i have had only 3 drinks, the russian maybe 2, and greenwood way too many. this is foreshadowing here folks. trouble looms on the horizon. so we finally get to the highlands and greenwood continues to booze at a furious pace at the darkhorse. on the way into said bar the russian has to use his passport to enter. i tell the bouncer that he is indeed russian and that he is a commie. the bouncer stares at me and tells me to watch my mouth. since im sober i decide not to push the issue and fuck with the big black dude and just get into the bar without any more trouble. so after sitting at the bar for like 20 minutes a permanent sneer has developed on my face due to the sheer number of shitbags in the bar. and they continue to enter with no end in sight. meanwhile greenwod is like double fisting it rapidly preparing to meet his fate. finally we leave the darkhorse, but not before the bouncer comes in and fucks with me some more. he tells me a story, which i will of course relate to you. it goes a little something like this, and i quote- "once upon a time there were two rabbits. one rabbit sat around all day while the other rabbit hopped around. the rabbit that hopped around got pussy." a lovely story isnt it? needless to say, the first rabbit is me. i hop not. finally we as a group hop to another bar, cant remember what it was called, but it had an outside porch area to sit and eat and drink on and whatnot. this bar had waitresses. so our waitress comes out and asks what we would like. greenwood, housed at this point and getting worse, demands two beers, reminiscent of a chelf at the mac. however, unlike at the mac, the waitress had not given kary two beers two seconds before telling greenwood that it was illegal for her to bring two. nonetheless, greenwood continues to demand satisfaction. he is screaming and slurring and pissing the waitress off. we tell her to ignore him, which she cannot do as he will not shutup. she brings him a beer. he chugs and demands a new one immediately. they haggle. his middle finger has now made several appearances. she is furious and hates him with a passion. joe appears and sits down next to greenwood. we do not know joe. he is bald, and very drunk, but pleasant. he quizzes me about math. throws me the tough query, "what is the square root of 36," and attempts to disagree with my answer of 6. he and greenwood become fast friends. the waitress does not hate joe, even though he keeps grabbing her and shit. just goes to show; be civil and the waitress will take all kinds of drunken shite. be an ass, and she will laugh at you when bad things happen. moving on- the bad things. after only like 2 beers and much screaming (i have come back to add here greenwoods screaming about his "empty beer" at one point. he picked up a pepper shaker, screamed, "this beer is empty, i need a new one" and fell face first onto the table. his actaul beer was full in front of him.) greenwood has rested his head against the cold brick wall behind him. his eyes are also resting. the waitress is now poking at him by mentioning loudly that she has brought him a new beer. he is cashed, but not to cashed to flick her off, eyes still closed. she makes to jump across the table and strangle him, but then remembers that billy has promised her 100 dollars to take greenwoods shit. she holds herself back and moves on. she comes back in a moment and mentions that she isnt gonna be cleaning up vomit tonight as she sees greenwood is in rough shape, cashed and snoring. two minutes later greenwood suddenly awakens and leans his head on his arm attempting to look at the ground. he spews. all over his arm. a dude two tables over stands and starts applauding. greenwod throws up his last eight meals. we laugh. the waitress comes out and tells us that this is the highlight of her evening. greenwood falls back asleep in face forward vomiting position. joe comes back out. he slaps greenwood on the back, gives him a pep talk and then proceeds to rub greenwoods head. quality comedy here. the russian and i head to neighbors for some coffee while greenwood naps on the table. carlia babysits. we finally roll back to the bar to carry greenwood out. he walks back to the car with his eyes shut. he snores all the way home. he gets home and retires to the restroom for an unknown amount of time. i got a phone call this afternoon confirming that he is alive. billy has many pictures of the events listed here. perhaps we can get him to post them on ophoto or something. they must be good. im out for now. basketball games tonight. solid.
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# posted by derek : 4/3/2004 06:45:57 PM
Friday, April 02, 2004
done!
the student teaching is all over. i can now sleep in for at least a week. fantasy baseball kicking into gear. my team will all be injured by the allstar break. you people must cheack the forum thingie on my last post. im waiting for someone to post in the forum and tell thse people what fucking losers they are. man its funny. carlyle- mellancamp and the boss do indeed both suck ass. i apologize for my lack of posting lately. been cramming much grading into the last week or so so that i do not have to take anything with me after finishing student teaching. done though. i will be returning to athens tomorrow and will have tons of time to kill for a couple of days, so expect quality material coming soon. at the current moment though i am a bit short of inspiration. gonna be going; greenwoods bday and all. later.
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# posted by derek : 4/2/2004 08:07:12 PM
must see link
this is a link to a message board at www.worldofthestrange.com. it is the most enjoyment ive found on the web in a while.http://www.worldofthestrange.com/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=1734&sid=8422e1af26505d403c4d32bbf6ca2626sorry. back later.
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# posted by derek : 4/2/2004 11:17:22 AM
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
mucho testo
so these kids have been taking the graduation test for the last three days. only one more day to go. like two and a half hours per day. talk about waking up, coming to school, and going right back to sleep. tedious. finished great gatsby today though. its actually pretty good. crazy ass ending. the house has been like ten below the past two nights. heater isnt working because the pilot light is out or something like that. good thing the burger hooked me up with a space heater. the burger saves the day! though this morning i thought, well maybe its warming up outside or something cause it feels pretty warm in here, so i go to get some socks and shit from downstairs. i open the door and my nipples immediately turn to stone. still cold as a bastard. dollar slice night tonight. sweet.the shortbus has been added to recently. check it out. fluff needs to add the details of carlyles oops post on his blog. i must know. greenwood, you have to call him and find out. hes been fretting over it way too much. it has to be juicy. kentucky. looked like shit for 30 minutes against famu. shoulda seen it coming. pulling for nevada. which means they will lose their next game. go wolfpack. maybe ill even wear the hat.won our basketball tournament this weekend. though after playing the entirety of saturdays game, and playing pretty well, another member joined the team for sunday and so of course the short white guy (only one in the gym mind you) gets to play left bench for the vast majority of the game. fury. i spoke none. just sat there and left immediately after the game. watched my team try theoir best to stop playing defense all together and blow a 14 point lead only to win by 2. almost wanted them to lose. i am now wearing the shrirt they gave me (a xxl) as a nightshirt like when i was 6. i wear nothing underneath.gonna go eat my orange now. speaking of which, i watched jeopardy yesterday, its been awhile. i dominated the fruit in french category. i nkew that pomme means apple, and poire is pear, etc. dominance.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2004 10:16:41 AM
Thursday, March 18, 2004
it begins
it begins today, and i dont know where i am going to settle to watch tournament games. not good. i am also having a crisis right now as i want so badly to change several of my picks, however i do not dare go against my gut instinct. so we shall see. i havent watched any basketball this year. but i do know this, i am having utep withdrawal since losing the football game to the biller and his xbox, so im pulling for utep for the upset, even if it does completely fuck my bracket. go miners.had to grade an assload of midterm essays last night and today. man were most of them bad. all summary, no analysis. lots of "f"s. im ready for the weekend. ooh, i just noticed a kid left a bookbag in here. i will now go root through it and see if there is anything good i can steal to punish the little shit for leaving things in my room. here i go.ah yes, a quick comment on the game last night. the nit? and you still cant handle to competition georgia? now i know iowa state shot 75% and all, but that obviously means that georgia played no defense whatsoever. go cyclones. im out.
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# posted by derek : 3/18/2004 09:56:41 AM
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
'back' to normal (get it?!)
so i decided to test the back last night since it was feeling much better yesterday. went to baseketball practice for the tournament dealie. domination. me and a bunch of large black men. it went like this: i shoot outside shots, they fall; they guard me so i drive a bit then pull up for a jumper. solid stuff. on defense, i foul anytime anyone tries to score on me. hard fouls. they dont do it again. jammed a finger, but the back held up. tournament should be cake. have to grade 80 midterms by tomorrow. not good. too many essays. the scantron part was horrendous, they all scored in the 50s, except of course for the one curve buster in every class. ha! grades are plummeting. it makes me laugh. i am a sadist.im out of things to say. maybe more later. doubtful.
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# posted by derek : 3/17/2004 09:43:11 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
ive fallen and i cant get up
so i ruined my back the other day. seriously, i was standing, and then i wasnt. man it fucking hurt. it still hurts. went to bed last night at 630 cause it hurt so bad. but today it feels a bit better. basketball tournament this weekend, practice tonight. the back needs to make a full recovery so i can dominate. we shall see. the school store is out of magic pens. this is unaccepteable. im like a fucking junkie. if i cant get my pen i dont know what i may be forced to do. drastic times.dougs conversation with the ipod dude is pretty quality. i wish i could have been there to hear the fury immediately afterward.the night at the mac was out of control. the rocky IV debacle, carlyles marv, the shitbags revealing my middle name while drunkenly bothering a student. a disastrous evening. plus the 170 dollar bar tab and the carlyle attempting to debate this total with the waitress. nonsense. the tournament this year is garbage. i think all of the teams suck. arizona as a 9 seed is ridiculous. i will not reveal my picks though until the tourney starts and no one can steal them.little else going on, its been a pretty uneventful weekend as far as blog material goes. i hear kary and heather are both quitting at miss katies. this means that no one in charge will know that i am not to be asked to work hard at all. lord pork chop stresses for no man but himself. this new boss, whoever he be, better get that straight. maybe they will come crawling to me and offer me 45 dollars an hour. short of that i will only be a server. my legs are going bald.im through. class starts soon. i will sit in the back and grade papers. should be fun. out.
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# posted by derek : 3/16/2004 10:14:40 AM
Friday, March 12, 2004
dougs blogs need comment links
the rants are quality, but i cannot put my views directly below in a happy little comment box, and for that doug must die. planning period is almost over here, two hours today first thing in the morning. i would have preferred to take two more hours to sleep, but hey, this whole not doing anything is alright by me.tried to stop at mcdonalds lat night on the way home, what a fiasco. first, why must the menu change for the late night. cant they simply run with the same menu. that would be way too simple. so of course they have to shrink it to a bunch of undesirable crap. fury. damn kids coming in like two minutes. perhaps i will attempt a blog later. we shall see. maybe during the two hour midterm in a while
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# posted by derek : 3/12/2004 09:08:49 AM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
return of the "G"
an outkast title for my post seems fitting today. weekend was pretty much a bust due to the unpredictable and undependabel nature of the carlyle. i will now return the favor and not tell whether or not i will be able to make it to greenwoods tonight. we shall see. much rest was had this weekend which is good. started reading mcsweeneys mammoth treasury of thrilling tales. so far its pretty good, though the last story i read was fucking awful and i am disappointed it made it into the collection. it was called "catskin" and was basically about witches and the people this one witch sewed up in the skins of dead cats, and the end of the story was basicaly about the fact that there are no cats just people dressed up in catskin suits. i have decided the whole story was written for the stupid third grade joke that the author throws in at the end, something to the extent of: "she was there in the bush with her dress lifted so that he coulod see the cat she had underneath...'i like your pussy'" or something equally stupid. when i got to that part of the story i almost hurled the book across the room i was so furious. but being the dedicated reader i am i felt the need to finish the story to see if the author could redeem herself. she couldnt. too many references to the "we" of author and reader for me as well. anyhow, the moral being to stay away from this particular story if you ever come across it.moving on, teacher workday here at shiloh. ive got nothing else to do really. maybe i can grade some papers, but this shit is ridiculous. meetings are over. planning done. i will now sit around til 2pm. only one more ful day of teaching for me, then two days of midterms and like 30 minute periods between and then i get to sit and watch for three weeks. but at least i can wake up later and not have to worry so much about being watched and all that shit. what else- fantasy baseball gearing up soon. greenwood, you must tell doug whether you want in or not. both leagues this year apparently. not a big fan of that decision. doug has also started a new blogger for us in the league to rant on, perhaps i will link it. doug also started a new blogger about his online poker playing shenanigans. i may link that too. my guess is that it will be dead soon. perhaps i will now go do all that shit. out.
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# posted by derek : 3/9/2004 11:35:59 AM
Thursday, March 04, 2004
plan schman
this week isnt going exactly going as planned. that job fair sucked, the fucking dog is driving me crazy, i need to get drunk or something, and these fucking kids here at shiloh are about to feel the wrath of a furious chelf. they think they know, but they have no idea. just a short allusion to dougs favortie show on mtv there. and things may not be all peachy for me, but at least i have not started paying for george michael songs like doug, or contemplating purchasing shitty waterfalls at wal-mart like chris, or dwelling on georgia's tournament chances like danimal (which are nil at this point; hello nit). plus i dont have basketball practice tonight so i can spend my time grading papers or something equally rewarding. speaking of teaching shite: i bit the bullet the other day, essentially admitting that job prospects are bleak, and sent my resume and a couple of letters to st. pius. you should have seen the letters, so full of shite. something along the lines of "it would be so rewarding to return to my alma mater, yadda yadda..." scirocco is the department head there now for english. i tried to butter him up too. should have addressed thew letter "o captain my captain" though, oh well.bought crayons for clas the other day. told the kids i couldnt afford crayola though. they asked if i stooped as low as rose art. 'oh, no' says i, 'its much worse than that'. kids club. thats what kind of crayons they are. kids club. ha! it cracks me up to hear them bitch. whiny fuckers. 2 pop quizzes in 2 days. maybe they will actually astart doing what i tell them to do. easy ass quizzes to and they still make zeros. yesterday the quiz was on the thing i had just said, and i said it like 3 times. 1 kid made a 100. 3 made 75s. the rest failed miserably. serves em right. anyhow. i gonna go, grade some shit, then lounge and watch tv or something. adieu.
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# posted by derek : 3/4/2004 09:45:04 AM
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
none
great googlie mooglie!sweet sassy molassy!
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# posted by derek : 3/3/2004 10:07:36 AM
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
more blah
i must add to the balhness. my car is apparently on the verge of death. good thing i took it to get fixed last week right. nope, they fucked it up worse and now there is supposedly like 800 dollars woth of shit wrong with it which they had to have caused cause it wasnt fucked up til i got it back, but they will not admit to it of course and so now im just fucked and left carless. horseshit. but at least ive got dave chappelle's first season on dvd to cheer me up.little men big elbows has finished the season winless. they have also had a name change. they will henceforth be known as "team three quarters" bcause thats all they show up for. an example: saturdays first round playoff loss- halftime score 11-7, a four point difference, easily made up by a team with some motivation. margin at the end of the third quarter- 26 points. story of the season. lazy fucks. they act like they do not want to win most of the time. oh well, done with that at least. perhaps i will get some gift certificate or something as a reward for babysitting a couple of hours a week. anyhow, my fury must move on now, shit to do and all. oh wait, something i must mention. so im rolling through lilburn the other day, lovely burg that it is when i stop at a traffic signal. i am in the turn lane to make a left hand turn and must of course look to my right and make weird faces at those bold enough to look my way. there is to my right a buick century, roughly an 88 or 89 i would guess. some goofy looking white dude is driving, but i hardly notice due to the fact that i am transfixed by his 16 inch or so spinning chrome rims! on that shitty ass car with a shitty ass paint job and like bugs all over the windshield and shit. absolutely mind blowing. i did like a quadruple take to make sure my eyes had not deceived my. but alas, it was true. what a fucking douchebag. that guy should be beaten with a chain.
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# posted by derek : 3/2/2004 10:02:07 AM
blah
today is the most blah day in quite some time. i am in no mood to be here in this school doing this whole student teaching thing. first block was a disaster. the kids were infuriating. i wish i coulod take a fungo bat to some of their knees so they wouldnt get up and walk around when they arent supposed to. little fuckers. also had an interview yesterday at this gwinnett county job fair dealie. what a fucking waste of my time. they send me to the south gwinnett principal. he wasnt feeling my employability vibe apparently. started lecturing me about what he usually tells young teachers. i took that as a not so subtle hint that i was a fucking amateur and would not be hired any time soon. i think i look too young for some of these people. i guess they dont want to hire someone who looks 17 years old. which puts me in an interesting predicament: do i shave and look 15, or do i not shave and look all stubly but older? i think im screwed either way. oh well. so much for this whole job thing. maybe i will join doug in the unemployment line. one girl asked me today if they told me to be mean at my interview yesterday. i told her to shut the fuck up. is it raining out? it should be. blah.
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# posted by derek : 3/2/2004 09:49:50 AM
today
i will blog today, i think. but it will not be til later. until then, entertain yourselves with dougs blogger. some solid stuff from old doug. i wish his fury was not so spaced out. concentrate your fury doug. unleash it in daily torrents. for now, must figure out todays plan.
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# posted by derek : 3/2/2004 06:46:14 AM
Friday, February 27, 2004
snow day
yesterday was indeed a snowday for gwinnett county. its gonna cost me a day of spring break. blast. however i did get to sleep a little bit later so that was nice. how many snow days you had so far carlyle? just wondering. chris's dream: carlyle getting up and leaving for god knows where to do god knows what is a standard occurence. we usually find his later telling some girl 'i love you' while she looks at him horrified hoping to god he will not attempt to run his hands through her hair again or some such nonsense. occasionally he will be entertaining all with his marv impression, but usually the horrified girl is more in line with the disappearing carlyle.damn students showing up already, its too early for that. must dip. back during planning period.
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# posted by derek : 2/27/2004 06:54:08 AM
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
happy birthday blogger!
my blogger is exactly one year old today. the young buck is still growing quite nicely. i remember the day of his birth like it was yesterday. okay, ill admit, i dont remember the day of his birth or yesterday, but whatever, the parallel is still there. i am quite proud of the fact that my blogger is still kicking after a year, with relatively few gaps in activity. certainly more than dan or doug can say. and as for folks like teusink who put up one post and call it a career, cmon now. so as i look back i will pull some of my favortie moments from my blogger and post them here so all can take a second look. feel free to put on a sappy nostalgiac cd and run through them with me. i myself will be listening to george harrisons "got my mind set on you" followed by shabba ranks and his classic "mr loverman". here goes:February 28, 2003"...well, its official. doug childers is the biggest fucking moron on the planet. lets recap. so we are watching jeopardy, a bit inebraited ill admit. but, so anyway, the final jeopardy question is asking for the biggest and smallest states to become states in the nineteenth century. so obviously texas is the biggest right. well, doug childers blurts out missouri. okay, fair enough, hes just mistaken, or maybe a little stupid for his oversight. but no, he refuses to let it go and just deal with being wrong. he insists that when missouri became a state its western boundary was nonexistant, it simply continued west indefinitely, or at least to the pacific. he explains that siince no one is living there, and manifest destiny and all, there is no western border, just a vast western 'missouri' expanse...."March 4, 2003"d's fashion rule #68- NO FUCKING FLIP FLOPS WITH LONG KHAKI PANTS! you look fucking ridiculous pal."March 10, 2003"...in other news, i now wholeheartedly endorse the younger chelf's blogger page, even if it is only 3 entries long. it is nevertheless too funny to deal with in the presence of the other sketchcases here in the computer lab. i am now that fucking kid who laughs while sitting there staring at the computer screen, the one who you want to throw something at so he'll shut the fuck up. a snippet you ask for? well here you go- "Ok that being said this kid Poonie McGhee as i call him chooses to wear his most godawful sleeveless shirt to class. bad enough right? Nope. Along with his overly homo attire he chooses to wear a matching visor since the sun is hidden behind clouds and could in no way impaire him from hitting his boyfriend in the dark depths of his GAY FUCKING ASS. But it doesnt stop there about halfway through class this fucking moron chooses to turn the visor upside down and backwards. now he appears to be funneling something on to his overly spiked hair. I was so taken aback by this kid that i just had to leave the class. Now that story brings me to this point. Why were hats created in the first place? Im saying it was to keep the fucking sun out of your eyes, not to wear on a cloudy day so you can look like a fire ball wating to happen you flaming little shit." it seems that rather than writing the blog thingie here to vent, the lesser chelf uses it as a tool to make himself even madder than when he started, which is just fucking hilarious in that it makes no sense...."March 24, 2003"and with the first pick in the fantasy baseball draft tomorrow i will be taking terry shumpert. im telling you, he'll blow up in l.a. huge stats. huge. 2nd pick. marquis grissom. and rounding out the top three, greg colbrun cause "he'll make the bag one day". seriously sam, howd you place the last two years? moron."March 24, 2003"rick majerus looks like that thing from spawn. the fat ugly thing. that thing scares me."March 24, 2003"still working on that whole consolidated thought thing. but i figure the shorter the thought, the more there are, and the more pennies i may get. heres one for free- bottled water is way overrated. so are rice cakes. ah yes- and making d's most overrated list in the world of music- u2, the beatles, bruce springsteen. ill think of more. radiohead. more on the way, promise."April 11, 2003"for the record, dawson pushing carlsons ass down in the street last night was fucking hilarious. then carlson proceeding to yell at everyone that went by was also hilarious. its bad when even the bums are laughing at you."April 28, 2003"*a note* this was so long when i first wrote it that i have since gone back and broken it up a bit. hopefully it will help the readability.well, lets recap. this weekend was indeed eventful, to say the least. we of course started saturday afternoon watching the old nfl draft, which isnt so spectacular in and of itself, but it is a good excuse to drink heavily starting at like noon or so. so that we did. soon of course there was ping pong playing on the table that was broken like the night before when carlson threw dawson through it (threw and through in the same sentence, what fun!), but of course that info is on the dl, because carlson told billy something different so as not to get into trouble. but so anyhow, the ping pong was going rather well for a while, and we were all getting very drunk to boot. so goodspeed and myself have one hell of a series going, best of five i believe, back and forth the whole time. and then there is this one point, a crucial one no doubt, that turns out to be like the most incredibly played point in the history of ping pong here, we're talking like chinese olympian caliber performances. so your boy d here wins the point finally after lunging one way, then the other on the return and finally playing a shot that barely catches the side of the table and drops off, unplayable for poor fever. and so of course pandemonium ensues after such a shot, and then the wesser decides to kick the table over, thus ending the game on such a high note. so by now of course we are all shitfaced and wes is pissed cause hes horny or something, or maybe we are out of beer and he wants to get to this party so bad, whatever, so we leave, stopping by wendys to make a scene before heading to this party. so finally we get there, and drink for a bit, and for a while everything looks to be okay, but we can all tell that the carlo is headed for disaster as he is talking to chicks (sign 1), has that look in his eye (sign 2), and is of course chris carlson (sign 3, the doozy). so this party is unlike any ive ever been to at uga in that its like 70% girls, and most of them are hot, and even though they are all sorority chicks there is like zero fratties around, which is very solid indeed. so ray and i start talking to a couple of girls, right, and shits going pretty well, though i know eventually this is headed straight down the toilet since im at this party with the clowns im with. so, needless to say, shit goes south pretty fucking quick when ray and wes and i dont even know who else start pouring beer all over each other and screaming 'look at this kid, he peed himself' and whatnot and scare any girls anywhere near us away. no good. so i quit, done with the females for the evening. so i go outside and just decide to kep drinking and watch the inevitable spectacle that will soon envelope the carlson. and it doesnt take long. within like ten minutes this kid is sitting in a lawnchair cackling like the drunkest man on the planet. and from here, things get really ugly. ray decides to get carlo all riled up, at which point carlo decides to start fighting with ray, which soon leads to ray actually getting pretty pissed off, shirts get ripped, people flea the immediate area; in short, the usual. so then this kid whos apparently decided to be the warden for this here party steps outside and tries some 'im so-and-so's best friend, and she wants yall to stop fighting or go home' to which carlo takes one hand off rays throat and points at this kid and screams 'hey, fuck off!' which goes over pretty well, all things considered, and so wes has to tell this kid to step off or things will really get ugly, and then weve got to try to get carlo to cut the fighting shit out, which he does, only to start with the marv albert impressions. now for those of you who havent heard carlsons drunk marv albert (which has made several appearances), it pretty much just goes like this- 'YESSSSSS' in a really drunk and loud and obnoxious voice. so hes doing this to fucking everbody that walks by, which granted isnt a lot of folks, because nobody in their right mind is gonna step out on the back porch with this bunch of assholes, but occassionally some unsuspecting girl from the apartment across the way will come by and get yelled at with the marv voice and maybe a screamed 'youre going home with me' as well. and this one poor girl wearing like aviator glasses kept hearing carlo call her 'blue-blockers' over and over again, which was really pissing her off, which was pretty funny, but still, uncalled for. so marv was around for thiry minutes easy, until sarah (carlo's friend, whose apartment it was, who had gone downtown, foolishly leaving carlo at her apartment with people who didnt know him) got home, and had to come outside and regulate. oh and i forgot to mention the impressive wes keg toss, backwards and over his head into the other yard. so sarah comes out and tells us that we cant be fighting and throwing kegs and shit or we have to leave, and of course we plead not guilty to all the counts mentioned above, and give her big puppy dog eyes and shit, so we get to stay for a couple more minutes, or just long enough for us to hear as the sliding glass door opened, 'carlson, thats not the way to talk to a lady' then the door shuts, and im damn near one hundred percent sure carlo probably responded with 'well i dont see any ladies here' (but this of course is speculation); and wes, laughing hysterically, falls off his chair as the girl hes talking to (who is according to the word on the street engaged to some other kid named wes, but who out professor wesser has made out with like the week before) gives him this i-cant-believe-you-just-said-that-to-me look and walks away; so wes asks her a couple minutes later if shes engaged and we hear her saying to sarah 'sarah am i engaged' as though apparently shes told wes that she isnt and he insists that she is. so anyhow, time to leave the party. the end of the night you say? oh no.a quick break to inform all that i am now listening to tom cochrane's 'life is a highway' which carlo and i downloaded onto dans computer and i promptly hid somewhere so he doesnt delete it before we burn it onto a cdback to our narrative here- so we get into the car to leave and encounter the old aggressive carlo, the one who insists on fighting, even though theres fucking five of us in the car. big problem, much fury, but we finally make it to the waffle house some of us with bite marks, some with bruises and some (me) just straight pissed off at carlsons sorry ass. so in the waho carlson still wont fucking simmer down, im about to fucking walk home, carlo's calling kids 'fatass' and such, which they can easily hear, and im just gonna let him get his ass kicked cause i dont care at this point. plus your boy old penis is there, the fucking kid from lipscomb hall who bought the goddamn lookouts hat well after i did and thus made me retire the hat for several months, and him and his posse of tools decide to start ripping on me as i stand at the car waiting for my posse of tools, which is a terrible idea because i am already super pissed and ready to get my ass kicked just so long as i am able to rip one of the little fuckers balls right off before the three of them overwhelm me. so finally we get in the car, one more disastrous encouter with two girls on the way out (blame it on the carlo), and then home. end of night? oh no. at this point carlo is more out of control than ever, laying down in my bed just to piss me off, still fighting with ray and dawson, attempting to leap over chairs with disastrous but hilarious results, and then of course the shaving cream battle, which was still very evident this morning, shaving cream all over the fucking house. and may i remind all of you that all of this occured in roughly a 15 or 16 hour time span, all hours including much alcohol consumption. i pause again, as i am virtually face to face with the worlds biggest spider, and i must kill it now, or never sleep peacefully again. please hold.holy shit was that awful. i looked for one of carlo's shoes to kill it with, but could find none. so (not wanting to ruin one of my shoes) i used the empty pizza box as a buffer and squished that fucker. ive left that bastards magled body on the floor in this computer room as a warning to any other eight legged bastards foolish enough to venture into my presence, and also so dan and carlson can verify its terrifyingly large size and reward me with a plaque or something to hang in a common area so all can be apprised of my unmatched valour.so, finishing up here, too much booze makes d a mad boy, especially when the carlo keeps hitting him in the back of the head in the car (similar to the biller and his fucking headbutts) and when ray and wesser have scared away the only cute chick to pay him any attention in weeks. but, fuck it i suppose, i was probably too drunk to get it up anyway, and i should also be saving myself for my hot teacher. so i leave you with these words- 'mr loverman; shabba; i know a girl; (much unintelligible nonsense)'- from shabba ranks "mr loverman"- another classic downloaded and hidden on dans computer. d is out. better shit to do than this nonsense; like hide from giant spiders. adios."enough for now. must run make copies of whitman.
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# posted by derek : 2/25/2004 10:15:19 AM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
6:20
an early morning post for your pleasure. i awoke at like 5am this morning. too much shit to do. listening to a little clipse here to start the morning. today we read whitman. whitman was very gay. speaking of which, i must now gove my version of the buckhead story:so we get there and sit down with out beer. i cannot stop smirking as i watch the two speds dancing. honestly one of the funniest things ive ever seen. the tall kid may have been the worst dancer ive ever seen, whereas the short kid would like walk up to the proximity of some girl or group of girls and start gyrating in their general direction. think chris kattan in the snl skit minus will farrell (roxbury). eventually we must head outside for clear air and less nonsense. i of course must break the seal, for the first time all night. which is impressive if i do say so myself. in my second trip to the can in like 6 minutes chris and the mad russian apparently get a little restless and jump the empty bar outside there. i come back and see the mad russian pouring tequila into beer bottles. i then of course refuse to take another sip of my unprotected beer. next thing i know the mad russian says, "i think we should probably get out of here" due to the fact that some greaseball had come and snatched the bottle from him. so out we go, back through the back door we entered through (no covers), and down toward the stairs. the mad russian dips saying he is gonna get the car and be back for us. like 30 seconds later the greaseball and his police escort show up. chris gives them the old drunken, "hey there guys, what are you looking for?" the cop says that chris cannot have the open container he is holding in his hand and old greaseball starts lecturing about how we owe him money. i am convinced that since i cannot be on camera drinking tequila as he claims the other two are i should simply keep my mouth shut. chris does not take the same approach. he starts giving greaseball shit and like stepping up to him saying "what do you have to do. do it" greaseball says we need to call back the mad russian, who should be long gone down the street at this point, so greaseball takes a peek oiver the balcony and is like, "there he is. youd better call him back here," he is getting flustered, the greaseball, "hey guy! come back here!" the mad russian of course does not respond, and we dont sell him out quite yet by telling the cop and greaseball his name, and so we watch him walk away, at which point both the greaseball and chris start to get a bit amped. greaseball is threatening to take us to jail while the cop just watches, almost amused at the whole situation. greenwood is apparently intent on getting us arrested and is getting progressively more beligerent. at this point i make to protest my innocence, "dude, i dont know anythijng about all this. i came back from the bathroom and we left, i cant be on cmaera doing anything." greaseball agrees that i am an innocent party, though somehwta guilty by association. but it looks like i may not go jail with chris. finally i decide to simply check my pocket for funds and get greaseball out of here as his agitation is getting irritating. turns out i have 15 bucks on me (who knew?) and so the situation is reselved with a quick call to "the boss". no jail, paid back, all is well. night is a bust, and the evening spent on the couch wasnt exactly top notch, but whatever.little men big elbows did not perform up to par this past week. subbed in all my scrubs in the fourth. fury. playoffs this week though. it has all been a prelude to the real games that matter. victory will be ours. i think you can trace back howard deans failure in the presidential race to the point where he got punked out by al sharpton. moral: dont let al sharpton out debate you. how sad.must now go plan some whitman shite to do. out.
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# posted by derek : 2/24/2004 06:45:16 AM
Friday, February 20, 2004
drunken goodness
wer are headed to somewhrre soon. carkyke is talking to ne now, that guy. he ius worthless. needless to say i am quite drunk. i muct be giong in a minute or so. bvye bye,
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# posted by derek : 2/20/2004 11:17:38 PM
what follow are some verses on my yesterday at school
a fight- good timesright when the bell rangone girl screaming "ill fuck you up bitch,youd better stop talking all that shit about me"the other girl approachesmeets a fistdesks tumblingstudents in a mass jumble at the doori watch as two other teachers spring into actioni watchquality entertainment"push the button, push the button!"i watch"ill fuck you up bitch!"now its broken upone student gone fuming down the hallblood dripping from her faceher earring lies on the floor'baby girl' it saystoo much paperwork to fill out after thatso there you have it, a rundown of my first block yesterday. good stuff. then of course parent conference night last night. no one showed up. three and a half hours of sitting here bored, a ptsa meeting smack dab in the middle. but i won a door prize, so that was sweet. it was a bag of shiloh shit and a foam thingie. foam is always fun.so the hawks make a good trade and then follow it with a fucking horrendous one. anyone in the league would have given them a first round pick for wallace. so who do they deal him to? the pistons, who are willing to toss in zeljko rabraca and fucking bobby sura as well. oo-la-la. no man named zeljko should ever be playing for the hawks, and bobby sura blows a fat fucking de-ock. bring in charlie ward as well, lets have an fsu reunion party in the atl. babby sura. the fury. i saw that they had made a trade yesterday and got a bit excited, then i look at the details and have to get furious.moving on, perhaps i will blog during my planning period today. for now, must read the end of scarlet letter. out.
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# posted by derek : 2/20/2004 07:01:39 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
spotieotiedopalicious
i heard this song on the radio yesterday, my favorite in outkasts catalogue. never heard it on the radio before. it pleases me. doug has posted again; bout damn time. dan is lost forever. he has no excuses. i bet he sits at work and plays oregon trail all day.this grading shit sucks. im gonna have to stop making these kids do anything. too much to grade. gonna have to chack the old sports ticker today, i am apparently way out of the loop. sorriano trade? a-rod? whats that all about.i may also put a link to the mad russian's blog. if he keeps the quality posts coming he will definitely deserve some more publicity. it pleases me that this blogger community is growing. it will soon encompass all. back to teaching here in a moment. gots to go. back in a while hopefully.
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# posted by derek : 2/17/2004 10:24:35 AM
Friday, February 13, 2004
planning period? please.
no planning gets done here. at least not today. today i eat my sandwich and watch tv and blog nonsensical things. stone mountain park sent me a threatening letter the other day. "bring back your shit or else!" thats what it said. i ate it.mmmm. sandwich.i think im getting sick. this is no good. i cannot be sick.little men big elbows will be devastated this weekend. it seems they have no desire to win. they would rather dick around at practice and get destroyed by 30 every game. fuck em. they can lose out for all i care.i should be grading essays right now. they can wait. its the honors class too, the kids that are obsessed with their grades. theyre always screaming about, "can i see my grades," and, "did you grade our papers yet?" fuck no i didnt grade your papers. i have better shit to do. like my sandwich.
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# posted by derek : 2/13/2004 10:14:21 AM
Thursday, February 12, 2004
those who can, do; those who cant blog
thats right folks, a blog from room a29. gonna dip out here in a minute or so. kids are in connect groups, which is a euphamism for "boring counseling shit". i however think it is cool cause i dont have to do shit. remember when doug said he was gonna be posting a lot cause he doesnt have shit to do?still watching sportscenter during my planning period. ooh, and todaywe went to hockeyfights.com to see the thrashers throwdown last night. pretty solid stuff.basketball practice tonight. i almost forgot. my team is after all pretty damn forgetable at this point in the season. this week we play the team that just absolutely owns us. the one that has beaten us by at least 26 both times weve played them. the one with the tall kid that intercepts every pass we throw. should be fun.im hungry. im tired. some of you people should come visit shiloh one day and sit through my class. i am wonderfully entertaining, though it seems i am the only one who appreciates my humor. too bad really. anyhow, im gonna go now, before the traffic situation gets too bad here. oh yes, a quick note on the recent hawks trade. the hawks have needed a bit more thug on their team for some time now. now we have rasheed and stephen jackson. if we could just go out and grab leon smith on another 10 day contract like last year, wed make the playoffs without a doubt. speaking of which, how bad is the eastern conference? the worst ive ever seen. way worse than the al central.
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# posted by derek : 2/12/2004 02:05:40 PM
Monday, February 09, 2004
blah
im tired. this whole getting up at 530 thing is getting really fucking old. i need a nap. i need food. speaking of naps, we are watching rip van winkle today in my classes. it is directed by francis ford coppola. not his best work. i wish i could cash for 20 years. okay, maybe 20 hours would suffice. mmmm, nap. little men big elbows finally lived up to their name this weekend. unfortunately it wasnt until the fourth quarter and they were already down by 26. but we only lost by 15, so the comeback was nice. and finally baby shaq got his ass under the basket and rebounded and got free lay ups. christ, ive been screaming at him for like months now. that guy. if i could get rid of the little lazy pessimistic shit on my team all would be well. maybe we'd even win once.well, thats post enough. carlyle is hereby banish-ed from my blogger. fury on that guy. and his drunken 2am calls.i gotta pee. im out.
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# posted by derek : 2/9/2004 10:03:12 AM
Friday, February 06, 2004
booze much?
so here i be, blogging from the greenwoods new apartment. i plan to get shitty this evening. so heres the scoop for those that dont know. my mentor teacher resigned like 2 weeks ago leaving me in charge of impressionable minds. yeehaw. let the corruption begin. my planning is nonestant. i have yet to email the required lesson plans to my teacher at UGA and yet she keeps telling me how fucking awesome i am for adjusting to such a stressful situation. ive written some of these plans somewhat, but no emailing. maybe this week i will get to it.little men big elbows is still winless. i got a ringer last week, this studly kid from the older league. apparently one game was enough for ths guy to decide my team blows and hes out. no more ringer. but this week we press and will blow out the best team in the league. doug has now arrived. more booze, x box and that penguin game. out.
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# posted by derek : 2/6/2004 08:48:56 PM
Thursday, January 22, 2004
return of the mac
yes, my title is a shitty mark morrison song from like 1995. so, its been quite some time hasnt it. well, since my computer at home (the folks house) wont let me blog it may be another long time after this post. but here goes, as i type from the burgers house. so i am now student teaching, which means i have to wake up at like 5:30 every morning, which is slowly killing me cause i still cant go to bed before like midnight. but i do seem to be getting to bed a little earlier (it used to be like 2am). so, fuckers, no more calls after 9pm to me on weekday nights. i will not be answering. carlyle calls at 2am from some drink chick in milwaukee who is like, "theres nobody there, but ill tell him; happy birthday derek; theres nobody there," then a muffled shitfaced carlyle voice, beligerent drunk sounding, "oh hes there, just say it, hes there." i do not need this call three times in like 10 minutes. fury.moving on, the classes i have. blah. one kid in the first class did blow up a car once, at least thats what his file said. permanent records do exist. what else. hmm, it seems i have nothing else at the moment. oh wait. basketball practice tonight. little men big elbows has now had a name change. they will henceforth be referred to as 'little men, no transition d'. if they would only stop the fast break wed be like 4-0. instead we are 0-4. shitty attendance is also not helping. but tonight we teach them to set picks. we will roll this weekend. for now that is all, cake awaits. damn good cake. later.
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# posted by derek : 1/22/2004 03:51:18 PM
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
off
off to see the lord of the rings. all 3hours and 45 minutes of it. i am expecting great things.
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# posted by derek : 12/17/2003 12:12:57 PM
Thursday, December 11, 2003
done
DONE!!!! FINALLY!
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# posted by derek : 12/11/2003 08:16:21 AM
update
well folks, its now 7:30 in the am and i am still awake, still not done with all my shit, but getting closer which is good. carlyle called at like 3:30 and tried to start some assinine argument with me. he had been drinking. nuf said.hey, so the todey says she had to kick some kids ass at ramsey this week. seriously, fucked him up. i applauded, and said i was sorry i had not been there to partake in the festivities. apparently the kid was some little bitch who wanted to be pummeled. mission accomplished.i went to kroger at like midnight. why do they make you check yourself out? and why is there some beotch that stands there watching you, whose only job is apparently to scan your coupons? why cant she just ring me up? especially when i am on the phone? this is horseshit people. if the expect me to ring myself up, they will have to credit me money on my purchase. seriously, like im gonna scan and bag my own groceries for free. puh-lease.here is my limerick about the works to kill a mockingbird by harper lee and monster by walter dean myers. this had to be a part of my multigenre project. the genre is of course limerick for this one.Atticus’s Limerickthere once was a man from Maycombwho never thought he’d see the day comewhen a trial’d be legitand a black man they’d acquitbefore he would let prison break ‘em.i also used the word nigger several times in my project, which i am sure would excite the likes of dan and carlyle.anyhow, more work to do, so i bid you good day. i said good day!
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# posted by derek : 12/11/2003 07:41:47 AM
one a down, four to go
thats right. one of my teachers, the black woman that everyone hates, but not the overly talkative black woman, the other one, has posted grades already, and of course i have recieved an a. this is the class that i wrote about the flying cars for. and put the phrase, "man, does that sound boring" in another paper critiquing this book we had to read. very solid. however, i still have not started the multigenre paper yet, so that might be my downfall. the 3-5 page paper is done though. took about 45 minutes. 4 pages. solid. were moving here folks. i am feeling a nap tonight after all, though it may not be a very long one. we shall see. for now, more coke and back to work.
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# posted by derek : 12/11/2003 02:00:25 AM
ADD
dude, ive seriously got like a major case of ADD when it comes to this doing work right at the end of the semester shit. i am fucking struggling. so ive been sitting here in front of the computer for hours and ive gotten like absolutely nothing done. this is no good. actually i just got back from kroger cause i was getting cabin fever or some shit and had to leave this house or go crazy. the house has been very empty til will just got back a while ago. those other two have left town. good riddance. they both sucked anyway.that song 'i belive in a thing called love' by the darkness is quality. it is hilarious and i will listen to it all night tonight. so i think its official that i am going to pull an all nighter. well, maybe not. maybe if im done by like 4 i will go to bed, but so far it doesnt look good. so i guess i will get crackin here and hope to be done one of these days. im sure i will keep you posted. or not. out.
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# posted by derek : 12/11/2003 12:40:05 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
pulling my hair out soon
just a quick post to convey my impending doom. i have now looked at all of the things i have to do before tomorrow, and there are some daunting tasks indeed. i may be up quite late. but, once this shit is through, i am done for good. until next semester. another practice of studly young basketball players tomorrow. this time i teach them to score, something they had problems doing in the scrimmage. their defense is stout though. it will take us far.ive decided the hawks are the owrst team in the nba at drafting players. worse even than carlyle celtics. first off they draft way too many white boys. way too many. and a frenchman? hed better be stellar before the year is through.also, my cd player must get fixed soon. seeing as athens only gets two stations well (97.1 jams and 95.5 the beat) and those fucking djs on 95.5 wont stop calling it the bee-ot and make me gnash my teeth and want to run into a tree beacuse of it, and thus i am stuck with the same 12 songs over and over again on 97.1. fury.anyhow, i must get back to work or something now.
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# posted by derek : 12/10/2003 08:57:22 PM
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
titles
i now have titles for my posts whenever i want them. this change is a crucial one and is just one of many my blogger will be experiencing in the days and weeks to come. stay tuned fuckers. exciting things on the way.
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# posted by derek : 12/9/2003 02:37:35 PM
so im done with that damn paper and conceptual unit now. thank god. yesterday was awful. now today im going to loungue until like 11pm then read 200 pages of to kill a mockingbird. then tomorrow sucks again. but after that i am done. the paper was 6 pages long last night. took roughly one hour and forty-five minutes to write. it started with the sentence, "i am a lazy student." should get a solid grade on that one. i forgot to mentin that big me little elbows has been forced to accept the moniker 'the lakers' for league play. i am not happy that they refuse to cram my teams original name on a shirt, but alas, at least we are not the hawks. i do indeed have the leagues version of shaquille on my team, this big mother fucker who says he doesnt want to play center. i told him tough titties, and if i ever saw him shoot another three pointer like he did in practice the other day id shove the ball right up his ass. dan is at home right now, in his work clothes, playing tony hawk. i asked him, "so no work today there danimal?" he says, "i have an exit interview" or some shit like that. "i can tell," says i as his skater eats pavement.i am overdue for an appointment with my bed.
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# posted by derek : 12/9/2003 10:46:32 AM
so i just now finished the first of my two projects due tomorrow by like 11am. still havent started writing the paper. this is not good. also, i am dying from a case of alergic reaction to any and everything in the downstairs of this house. actually what is probably happening is my brain associates that part of the house so much with work that it is rebelling and attempting to make me miserabe for actually doing all of the shit i have to do. this week is hell, with like maybe one bright spot; tuesday, when i can turn in the first round of shit and recreate and not bother working my ass off again until wednesday.little men big elbows plays its first competitive game on saturday, right when im supposed to be working. oh well. fuck you kary, deal with it. havent told him yet. maybe ill get fired. if so no christmas presents for anyone, kinda like last year.pearl harbor day was sunday. i prefer to call it six months with pearl day, but maybe that just the sleep deprivation and alergies talking.so remember when doug said he was gonna post on a regular basis again? falcons, what the fuck are you doing, lose out and get good draft status. dumb mother fuckers are gonna screw it all up as usual.im not commenting on college football other than to say that was the worst ive seen georgia play since freshman year. just plain bad.i kicked mikas shoe cause it was all up in the middle of the fucking floor today and i couldnt see it cause i turned the lights off cause i dont wanna pay 200 dollar bills. get that fucking shoe out of my way. and the dog is fucking my world up. ive sneezed literally like 200 times today. probably lost like 6 pounds with all that effort. no good at all. i like being fat and not dripping from every hole in my head.anyhow, ive gotta eat again, then pound out a 7 page paper, so im out. maybe ill post again soon, maybe ill be sleeping. we shall see.
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# posted by derek : 12/9/2003 12:45:34 AM
Thursday, December 04, 2003
we are currently created web pages on ms word in my class here. i refuse. and thus i blog. this girl next to me started singing that fucking milkshake song a minute ago. i told her i hated it and she said it ruled. i then told her that i hated her. she cried. i laughed my maniacal laugh. good times. she has now put a milkshake visual on her web page. i am again telling her how much i hate that song and her. she wont cry again. blast. i added a picture of a mailman, cause mailman was the first word that came into my head. my web page is now full of tables with "blah" as the only text and a big picture of a mailman. the page is entitled "suspect". i will surely get an a for this assignment. i am tired today. the fucking meeting i had to get up early for started late and was a huge bore. it sucked. not good. i will never make it to the bar later. i will instead be asleep. shit. i blogged and now im lost on the webpage. no good. uh oh. gotta go.im back, and all caught up. really dumb this thing we are doing. big fucking waste of my time. just give me the fucking handouts and let me leave i say. the vortex will indeed be awaiting the carlsdon this winter break, though not with open arms. instead it will spit on him, and throw him out inbto the cold. the vortex hates you. it is mine now. we burn effigies of you in there carlyle. solid ritual. every tuesday afternoon at the halftime of an xbox game.anyhow, i am through here. must go take a nap on this here keybopard. looks comfy.
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# posted by derek : 12/4/2003 12:04:00 PM
back in athens, finally. so i go back to the atl today. and i am at the house in stone mountain, and decide its time to leave the house, so i go, and of course make sure the door is locked and all, cause thats important. locked, solid. i close the door. then i realize as i am walking to the car that i do not have any of my shit. no keys, no wallet, no phone. no good. luckily the burger bailed me out and hung out with me all evening, even waiting in front of the house for like an hour and a half waiting on pops to get home. so then the drive back to athens sucks, and its raining and shit and i cant see a damn thing cause walton county just repaved 78 and there are none of the reflector things on the road, and so i am about to run off of it and shit, and 99x wont play the fucking song im waiting to hear even though they promised they play it, then of course it comes on just in time for the reception to get really shitty cause im back in athens. horseshit. and so anyhow, as i drove i thought about why missy elliot is revered as such a fucking wonderful artist and i came to the following conclusion, which infuriates me. here it is. missy elliot is nothing more than magoo (timbalands old partner there) dressed in drag. and now i will support this claim. so magoo has always been ragged upon as being a realy weak mc, but since he has timbalands beats behind him, hes listenable. he is a weak mc because his lyrics are just plain dumb right? so then theres missy elliot. she too has really fucking stupid lyrics. as proof of this i have supplied the lyrics to her most recent single below, from www.lyricsspot.com. so, her lyrics are really fucking lame, but shes got timbalands beats so she listenable (i beg to differ). now tell me why she wins fucking grammys and has critics and shit loving her and magoo gets ripped left and right. its horseshit and my theory is that it is because she is a female rapper, and is hailed as great and revolutionary because she is one of the few female rappers who gets mtv airtime who isnt talking about fucking all the time. which brings me back to my original point. what seperates magoo from missy. outward appearance. they both suck and rap over solid beats. so clearly, magoo got sick of being ragged on all the time, and dressed himself up in drag and became missy elliot. its plain as day. do not bother to argue with this theory as it is airtight. airtight i say. anyhow, i clearly need to get some sleep, gots to get up early tomorrow too. so im out folks. adios. the shitty lyrics are below.Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott Lyrics" Pass That Dutch " [Intro]Listen up everyone! we have been just informedThat there's an unknown virus that's attacking all clubsSymptoms have been said to be - heaving breathingWild dancing, coughingSo when you hear the sound - WHO-DI-WHOOOO!Run for cover..WOOOOOO! Ahh daddy! Ooooo! Ah! oh, ooh!Pass that dutch (ah), pass that dutch (ooh)Pass that dutch (ah), pass that dutch (ah)Pass that dutch (ah), pass that dutch (ah)Pass that dutch (whoo), pass that dutch[Verse 1]Misdemeanor on the flow, pretty boy here I comePumps in the bunk make you wanna hurt somethingI can take your man I don't have to sex emHang em out the window call me Micheal Jackson (hehehee!)I'm a pain in your rectum, I am that bitch y'all slept onHeavy hitter, rhyme spitter, call me Re-RunHey hey hey, I'm what's happ'ninNow to get my drink (that's right!)Shake ya ass till it stink (that's right!)Mr. Mos' on the beat (that's right!)Put it down for the streets (that's right!)[Chorus](WHO-DI-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)Pass that dutch, pass that dutchPass that dutch, pass that dutch, pass that dutchCome on pass the dutch baby! (ahh!)Shake-shake shake ya stuff baby!(WHO-DI-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)Pass that dutch, pass that dutchPass that dutch, pass that dutchPop that, pop that, jiggle that fat (ahh!)Don't stop, get it till ya clothes get wet[Verse 2]Number one - drums go bump, bump, bumpThis beat here will make you hoomp, boomp, jumpIf you's a fat one, put your clothes back onBefore you start putting pot holes in my lawnOh my God, show em I'm largeShove my beat up, attack like my name was SaddamI am the bomb from New York to MilanAnd I can write a song sicker than Jeffrey Dahm'(Woop woop!) Don't touch my car alarmBreak in my car you will hear "Viper Armed"I've been a superstar since Daddy Kane was rawI'm live on stage, c'mon and give me some applause [applause]"Thank you! oh thank you, you all are so wonderful!"[Chorus][Interlude]Listen up, you have five seconds to catch your breathFive - four - three - two - one [alarm rings][Verse 3]Pop that, pop that, make that moneyJust keep it going, like the Energizer BunnyShake that, shake that, move it all aroundSpank that, yank that, dutch back nowFreak him, freak her, whatever ya choiceDidn't come to judge, I came to get ya moistScream - (WHO-DI-WHOOOOOOO!) now my voice is lostCan I get a ride on the white horse? [horse neighing][Chorus][Outro]Pop thatPass tha dutch baby!Jiggle that fatim pretty sure i, and probably any of you out there reading this shite, could write a better rap than that. 'I am the bomb from New York to Milan/ And I can write a song sicker than Jeffrey Dahm'/ (Woop woop!) Don't touch my car alarm/ Break in my car you will hear "Viper Armed"' are you fucking kidding me. that is the weakest shit ive ever heard. missy sucks. thats all ive got to say about it. goodbye.
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# posted by derek : 12/4/2003 01:16:55 AM
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
i was born in a wheelbarrowin the back of a pickup truckhalfway to the hospitalcause pops thought hed have to wheel the moms incause she was to fat to carryso he brought the wheelbarrowit was redand dusty
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# posted by derek : 12/2/2003 08:11:01 PM
would you rather be....a body with no head, or just the head?
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# posted by derek : 12/2/2003 07:55:42 PM
since my last class ended like 30 minutes ago and since i dont have another one for like another 30 minutes, and since i cannot seem to waste all this time on just my emails, i suppose i will blogger now. so yes, my blogger got all fucked up yesterday and went to some sluts site instead. it was like a call to political action type site that kept quoting biblical passages, and since few things make me madder than religious zealots attempting to govern me i had to get it fixed immediately. class today was tedious. we had those damned teacher evaluation thingies. this was in the class where like everyone despised the teacher. she was black. my theory is that my class members are scared of black people. and so of course these stupid evaluations took like 45 minutes because everyone was writing a fucking dissertation on why they hated her, and we had to saty cause class was gonna start again after these things and so basically i just sat there wondering why i had to be sitting the so long. sure i got up and lkeft for a while, but when i came back everybody was still writing rants with those stubby little golf pencils and their tongues out, all into what they were doing, all consumed with hate and whatnot. pretty ridiculous if you ask me. then the teacher came back and gave us hints on how to opass this test we all have to take for like another 45 minutes. i didnt take notes, but those around me did, like 4 pages of them. absurd. they kept asking me if i was worried about failing the test. i told them that id rather take my chances than waste my time taking all those notes and then more time studying them later. then this one girl turns to me and says, "what if shes just trying to fuck us", which if it was me and i knew everyone just wrote scathing evaluations about me id probably do, and so i says to her i says, "then ill be in solid shape", and continued to not take any notes. but its all good, cause i know what a horatio alger story is and apparently nobody else did. ha! i rule.moving on, way too much work to do this week and way too little motivation to do it. i can feel the last minute panic coming in a couple days here. should be fun. also, someone remind me to call all the junior basketball studs on my team tonight, before i forget and dont get to have practice this week.this section will be about xbox football. if this does not interest you, please skip ahead. i have now taken the job at san diego state. i will remain there until my death or firing, whichever comes first. i have become a football coaching legend, far surpassing anyone before me. there revere me as a god in san diego, and thus there i will remain. tcu was a powerhouse in my couple years there, they feel fortunate to have had my presence grace their campus and add to their trophy case. they are also now members of the big 12, my lasting legacy, a gift to them before i departed. sorry texas a&m, somebody had to go.hmm, what else. billy is packing all his shit up to move out. good ridance to old rubbish, isnt that how the saying goes. this new roommate better not suck, and better be ready for my random weekend drunken tirades, which will surely be gracing the town of athens a couple times thios spring. my gift for my secret santa person for class is due today. the burger helped me pick it out. however, i forgot to get anything to wrap it in, so this morninjg, as a last minute afterthought on my way out the door, i grabbed a sheet of the paper i finger paint on and wrapped it around the present, securing it with staples. it looks like a hoagie, a good tasty one from a deli and shit, and it makes me hungry, but it is at least wrapped. i will make some chick in my class write the girls name on it, since it wouldnt be very secret of a secret santa with guy handwriting on it seeing as there are only two dudes in the class doing this thingie and all. also, apparentlyu dan has work to do now at the end of the semester and expects me to just clear out and let him use his computer all the time now. what nerve. that guy. dan, i will have you know, i will clear out for no one. i will be having a campout in you computer room this evening and all other from now til the end of the semester, wher i do nothing but download programs onto your computer that you do not need. i am as of yet unsure which programs i will choose, but i assure you they will be useless and space consuming. ha! i rule.
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# posted by derek : 12/2/2003 01:31:35 PM
Monday, December 01, 2003
blah
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# posted by derek : 12/1/2003 08:27:26 PM
Monday, November 24, 2003
and so i blogger. finally. i am at the burgers house because it would not let me blog at my parents house. fury. anyhow, sorry i did not call you back last night greenwood, i am a terrible person. carlyle returns tomorrow. needless to say there will likely be much boozing at the mac tomorrow night. though i must work on wednesday morning, which sucks. the return to miss katies happened on saturday night. triple digits, though this dude on a forty dollar tab, who i broke a hundred dollar bill for, gave me a 1.50 tip. and i was super pleasant, which we all know does not come naturally to me, so i should have gotten a huge tip. fury on that dude. some shitty little busser tried to tell me what to do, and the new kids all kept introducing themselves to me like i was some new dude in need of friends. it was funny. heather still sucks, and the new midget cook dude will ge hit with a tray upside the head if he gets snippy with me one more time.in other news, been sleeping in this week, no class and all. it is fantastic. the falcons are very bad. that is all i have to say. i am being told to hurry, which i will do. for now, i am done. goodbye.
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# posted by derek : 11/24/2003 03:33:06 PM
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
i have gone on an academic odyssey of sorts here. looking for the chicken poem i have stmbled across several promising memories from the past several years.dan has also reminded me of my regents exam essay which begun as follows- "high school was a waste of my time. thats right, i said it" solid start huh?here goes. solid tidbits here. first is dougs study guide for hemingways "a farewell to arms"- these are his summaries-Chapter 2Henry goes on leave because of the snow is starting to fall. They all make fun of the priest.Chapter 12On the last night he is in this hospital, Rinaldi and the major from the mess come to visit him. The trip to Milan is horrible. Henry and another soldier drink, and throw up all over the floor. It isnt a pretty sight. Chapter 13He gets to the hospital in Milan, pretty much boring after that.Chapter 14He gets shaven by a barber who thinks he's Austrian. Catherine comes to the hospital to work, they fuck.Chapter 17He has surgery. 3 other patients are there, two have malaria and one is the stupid fuck who blew himself up. Ferguson goes sketch.Chapter 35Chapter 36Book IVChapter 37Chapter 38Chapter 39Chapter 40Chapter 41Chapyer 42youll notice the notes end a bit prematurely. ill bet we did really solid on that test.more will be coming as i discover it. a note about jarons broken thumb (?) was on my disk. i have no idea why. also my notes on retards for my working with retards class, but those just werent exciting. mmore soon though. im sure of it. also, solid shit on the shortbus soon. check it out.
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# posted by derek : 11/18/2003 12:46:08 AM
Monday, November 17, 2003
i feel the need to share. i am currently writing a paper for one of my classes due tomorrow. here is the topic-Process A5- By Tuesday, November 18, write about your vision of the future as related to your pwn teacher beliefs about teaching reading in secondary schools?here is my intro paragraph. keep in mind this paper is only like 2 pages double spaced-I am not exactly sure how I am expected to begin this paper, whether I am to discuss my vision of my future or the future in general, so I am going to start typing and see in which direction my thoughts lead me. In the future I expect there to be flying cars. If this does not come to be I will be highly upset, and will have trouble focusing on my career as an English teacher without lobbying those groups who may have the technology to give us flying cars. However, this is not all I expect of the future.it goes on. i am very pleased with this intro. it will be turned in, with no revisions. ill keep you posted as to my grade. back to work! tally-ho!
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# posted by derek : 11/17/2003 10:44:11 PM
quick notes here, then off to call my team, "little men, big elbows". drafted them yesterday. just got a call like two minutes ago from the dude that runs the league and has known all the kids for years telling me how i outdrafted the shit out of all of the other coaches. very solid. we shall reign supreme!also, the auburn game was a beautiful thing. thanks there roomies for waking me up to go tailgate with you. cocksuckers.miss katies may be in the cards this saturday, still deciding if i want to give up my day of rest. we shall see. anyhow, off to do some work and shit.more later, perhaps. no promises though. im not so good with those.
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# posted by derek : 11/17/2003 07:44:25 PM
Saturday, November 15, 2003
i was brushing my teeth when doug called. he has brought me back down to the cmputer. i am drunk. solid huh? tomorrow georgia gets pummellled by auburn. i will not be happy. tonight i am hapy. just talked to the burger befpre eating my champ burgers. sorry about the 2am drunk call katie. you were a good sport as always. thats why i love you. will must neve r lock the door again, fury. i will not wake up tomorrow. oh well. bed now. adios.
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# posted by derek : 11/15/2003 02:36:21 AM
i slammed the door. on purpose. it shouldnt be locked.
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# posted by derek : 11/15/2003 02:05:52 AM
Friday, November 14, 2003
yep, the long awaited post. but back off fuckers, ive been busy. shit. and carlson has no right to bitch until he fixes that fucking comment link. ridiculous carlyle. are you that computer illiterate?so how mad am i when i get home and mikas fucking face is staring out billys sliding glass door at me, and the front door is fucking locked and i of course have my hands full and then i finally crack that fucking lock and get inside and that infernal dog starts barking and so basically my whole good mood is ruined, and i dont want to be home alone with those two and so im gonna go downtown, and now im good and pissed so it should go well. probably get drunk and sleep through the whole game tomorrow or something like that. the miss katies reunion should begin soon. i hear im gonna have to wear some stupid ass red bow tie. yeah, right. thatll happen.anyhow, dougs about to pick me up, so im out.oh, and the biller just left for the night apparently. guess they didnt like me being here. nice!
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# posted by derek : 11/14/2003 11:00:15 PM
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
me sleep now. blogger tomorrow. plop! (the sound of my head hitting the desk in front of me as i pass out from lack of sleep)
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# posted by derek : 11/12/2003 11:01:33 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
it is now 3am and i have just finished all of my homework. i have been up for like 23 hours. this is ridiculous. school should not take 23 hours of my day. furious, and going to bed now. you will hear from me in the morning, as i have to get up early and print all this shit out in the lab at aderhold. no good at all.
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# posted by derek : 11/11/2003 02:50:21 AM
Monday, November 10, 2003
back with a vengeance baby!its now 10:15 and ive got an assload of homeowrk to do tomorrow, and not shit i can skip either, and ive been up since 5:45, and i havent started the homework, and i am in fact downloading and rocking to shit on dans computer. right now its pitch black "its all real". badass song. sounds like some mid to late 90's new york shit.falcons win! yeehaw. here are quintel's stats from last year and this year. youll notice they are all identical, which points to the fact that he was not the problem the last two years. campo just sucked ass.Year Team G QBRat Comp Att Pct Yds Y/G Y/A TD Int Rush Yds Y/G Avg TD Sack YdsL Fum FumL 2002 Dallas 7 72.3 125 221 56.6 1465 209.3 6.6 7 8 27 91 13.0 3.4 0 19 130 5 3 2003 Dallas 9 74.7 150 266 56.4 1819 202.1 6.8 9 9 37 115 12.8 3.1 1 18 94 5 1 i will not hide these files dan, they will be in my folder.cheesesteak again the ohter day. it was all i ate all day. that big and that good.looking forward to another big uga letdown this weekend against auburn. which will of course leave eli to play tenessee in the sec championship. how poetic. which of course brings me to the thanking of riley for the drunk phone call once ole miss won this weekend. solid call there. saw elf and the matrix this weekend. both pretty solid. will ferrell eating cotton balls is always funny.no one here at the house this evening. quite peaceful. which of course makes it even more appropriate that i am doing nothing school related at the moment. the fantasy baskball league i entered starts tracking stats tonight. head to head league. my team appears to be pretty solid. but then again so did the fantasy baseball team at first glance. by the way carlyle, you owe me five. of course this team was auto drafted, so i have an excuse. but if i win, its due to the fact that i preranked the players. plus ive got amare, which means victory.anyhow, its now 10:30, aqnd i really must get started with homework. shitty i know, but its gots to be done.
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# posted by derek : 11/10/2003 10:31:29 PM
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
well it looks as though an atom bomb has wiped out virtually all bloggers and has therefore created this like five day void of blogging activity. granted, some folks have shown signs of life, which is nice, but the rest of you deadbeats need to get with it.so heres the rundown of the past several days for me.wednesday5am- d wakes up, if you can call it that, tumbles into shower in a tired stupor, rinses for a brief moment.5:50am- d scrambles out to car to head for shiloh high school in snellville. he has roughly an hour and ten minutes to get there.6:05am- driving listening to ludacris's new cd. "stand up!"6:35am- driving listening to lil jon and the east side boyz. i am getting crunk.6:55am- stuck in god awful snellville traffic, still not to hwy 124, at 6:55!? shitty traffic already!? thoroughly un-crunk and moody. listening to ludacris again. "shove it up your ass!"7:15am- completely baffled by the parking situation at shiloh, i drive around for like 10 minutes til i finally figure it out, somewhat.7:30am-ish- finally get into classroom, sit there for a while, teacher is completely unprepared for me to be there, which is good, cause i too am extremely unprepared.11:15am- d leaves shiloh after roughly 4 hours. expectations for the week are 12 hours. mr huff (mentor teacher) says fuck it, nothing new to see today, go on fall break already. sweet. more lil jon. crunk again.5pm- d manages to lay off philly cheesesteak from weeyums in stone mountain village to take advantage of dollar slice night at mellow mushroom. very solid, til the fucks fuck up and damn near see the fury.evening hours- much merrymakingbed by about 1?thursdayshit, who knows, fuck thursday, i know i slept til like 1pm.fridaymuch of the same.8pm- time for trick or treat. i am a ghost, a sheet draped over my entirety. i cannot see a thing and simply hold the bag in front of me. entire candy bars, not the little so-called 'fun' sizers. very solid.d hits the sack round 2ishsaturday- ah saturday9am- wakey wakey. snooze.10am- d actually gets up. big game today. driving range first, and food, lest the beer overwhelm me.1pm-ish- driving range. massive blister forms almost immediately. no good. hot. time for beer. and football.2pm-ish- tough decision, beer. i finally settle on sam adams, and some bud light for when thats gone.3:30pm- it begins. d's already had two or three, which is good, as it begins rough, and apparently doesnt change much.6pm- 6:30 or so- d is furiously calling and recieving calls. he is threatening to jump off balcony when uga inevitably blows it for good. dan gets a call (though i still maintain this happened at halftime, not right at the end of the fourth quarter). sam adams has been gne for a while. bud light also gone. game ends. d decides, fuck the balcony, its a long walk out there, best to just sit on this here couch and scream obscenities.7ish- there is a scene at the longhorn steakhouse. then d is leaving, cause fuck it i not hungry. the burger provides the much needed ride. d tells greenwood, "dude, just call me when you need a ride home, cause ill be sober and can come get you." somewhere deep inside d has to know this is horseshit. good ole beer. merrymaking for a bit. cant exactly remember it all.9:30pm- d decides he isnt feeling well, and retires for the evening.10:04pm- greenwood calls10:10pm- greenwood calls10:15pm- greenwood calls10:20pm- greenwood calls10:25pm- greenwood calls (and i should add, i heard maybe two of these calls before cashing completely, checked all the messages and call times around 11am on sunday)sunday2pm-4pm- d attends some dealie for the rec basketball league which he will soon be coaching for. his team will be called, 'lil men, big elbows'. they shall be studly.4:45pm- steak and shake- original double platter with fries and chili. fantastic for day after drunken debauchery.5:30pm- scary movie 3 a matinee prices. cant argue with that10pm- d watches "the practice". best show on tv. james spader's headed for an emmy, or else the fury is relesaed on those fuckers too. the academy is it?1am- bed, another 5am day on monday. no good at all.so there you have it folks. and now, since ive been up for like 18 hours, whcih is too many, im gonna go hit the hay.oh but wait. traffic was shitty at 7:45 this evening as well. this is unacceptable. bombs will be going of during rush hour soon in an attempt to thin the heard of mrons and cell phones and the like who cause mad congestion and shit. and then i get home, and there is a club meeting in my house and i have to park entirely too far away from the house. the fury is close to dangerous levels folks. a florida loss, a 5am wakeup, shitty traffic at all hours, and then a club meeting and no parking in my own fucking driveway! (this is a ghostwriter who has now taken over for mr chelf as he has apparently dropped dead of a massive coronary and is currently being tended to by the athens-clarke county coroners office. i have inserted this tidbit on his passing just before his last typed sentence, which is as follows, exactly as the author intended) the best be glad i wasnt listening to lil jon! ak, gargh, whump.
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# posted by derek : 11/4/2003 12:51:02 AM
Friday, October 31, 2003
the article and conversation on greenwoods blogger are infuriating. now im a big bet watcher, but to trust its news, and assume that it is a better and more reliable news source than any other is perhaps the dumbest thing ive ever heard. that fucking guy is out of his element.uf- 27uga- 17my predictionalsoou- 45osu- 14and miami- 30vatech- 3irish beat fsu by 10. ok, maybe that ones wishful thinking, but a man can dream right. also, if this happens i will get 72 drunk calls from carlyle and be able to retire on my small fortune that he will owe me.i am nowhere near the vortex as i cannot deal with the biller or his wife this weekend, so i will likely be visiting the mac and drinking heavily. or visiting anywhere and drinking heavily. basically, drinking heavily to put out of my mind the devestating loss geargia will experience. anyhow, im out. dinner time.
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# posted by derek : 10/31/2003 06:01:40 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
i feel the need to share the fantasy league postings and whatnot. the league is long since over.the bitch posts a post entitled:"yeah, that's right bitchkeep your fucking mouth shut. pussy."and thats all it says, so then i type back, in a post entitled:"whowho are you talking to now pal? you rip on those of us who supposedly check this thing all the time, so i stop, cause quite frankly im bored with your antics, as theyve stopped being original and entertaining, and then i come back and check just for kicks and you are ripping on someone, god knows who, for not talking shit anymore. well weve all moved on, and i encourage you to do the same. oh, and i drank your booze. toddlercock."this kid will be destroyed soon. he has crossed the line from annoying league dude to annoying moron who should be removed from the ranks of humanity, and i feel it is my duty to spare you all the chance of ever meeting and having to listen to his horseshit, so i will be beating him to death with a frozen sausage. a big one. that is all. to bed.
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# posted by derek : 10/28/2003 08:59:34 PM
so its shiloh, and ive gotta be there by 7, which means ive gotta be up at like 515 or 530, which is no good at all. i suppose i will be going to bed soon. or attempting to at least.got an a on that shit i spent like 5 or 6 or however many hours doing last week. a- solid. so many hours- not fucking solid. fall break this week- very solid indeed.ive got nothing else to say, except that doug needs to blogger more, and raul needs to start a sketch blogger site again, and my publix sub is waiting on me, and ive gotta go to bed soon, which is horseshit, and my 15-20 minute presentation today was like 6 minutes and the teacher asked me what i planned to do for the next project, which is kind of an extension, since there were gaps in this presentation, and i told her i really didnt want to think about that yet, but id get around to it soon enough, which seemed to satisfy her, which is good but kind of surprising, and i finished 2 books last night, and i dont know why i read like 4 books at once cause that shit gets confusing, but more on all this later, cause now im going to eat and watch tv and go to bed or something. done.
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# posted by derek : 10/28/2003 08:51:48 PM
shes alive!
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# posted by derek : 10/28/2003 10:49:03 AM
Monday, October 27, 2003
youll notice my current mood is rad. i typed in a random letter just to see what cae up. it was rad. im sticking with it. i then of course had to go with the ever so cool sunglasses picture dealie. rad.the haitian came and went, hid my toothpaste, left his camera and booze, and damn near caused a uga loss to uab. damn haitian.kary has asked me to comeback to work over the holidays as a lead again, and not a server. i demanded 17 dollars an hour. i am giving him a day or two to mull it over.marlins, solid.the texas chainsaw massacre was pretty fuckin suspect. much death, though i suppose i expected as much going in. the baby still confuses me, and the camera shot angle through the back of the girls blown away hole in head was a bit unnecessary.went to the cheesesteak place in stone mountain village today, might be one of the greatest places on earth. they need one in athens. id rotate day by day between there and barberitos. they looked at me funny when i came in, and the bitch who wrung me up sucked, but the fuckin philly was fantastic. i really cant say enough about it. i will have to go back on wednesday.danimals name has now been changed. he will henceforth be known as the stanimal. do not listen to him when he tries to make you call me greg. fuck greg. i, the fury, do not have nicknames. but he does, and it is stanimal.i will not be attending the festivities in jacksonville this weekend. sad i know, but i will be drinking heavily, likely in the vortex, and cursing florida as they beat my bulldogs into the ground.i have also decided that georgia must win the national title while i am a student here. that said, if they do not do it this year, the plan to take 15 hours of pe, and move back into the dorms as dirty old men starts immediately after i graduate in may. get ready creswell, here i come.i have little else to say, so now i go away. a bit of poetry to end on. solid huh?
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# posted by derek : 10/27/2003 11:41:31 PM
Friday, October 24, 2003
the haitian is here. i may not blogger for a couple days. deal with it.
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# posted by derek : 10/24/2003 09:13:50 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2003
i think billy and mika are wrestling upstairs. im gonna go vomit now. then retire to the vortex for the evening.happy hour at o'sheas. very solid.
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# posted by derek : 10/23/2003 08:05:56 PM
i feel like shit! this has been the shittiest day so far this week, and its only like 1030. so far, i cant breathe at all, kept me up all night, i think im probably dying. got stuck with a cold shower this morning. nothing ruins a day like a cold shower. had to do more homewrok on the bus on the way to buy the book i got bitched at for not having last week. and now here i am in aderhold printing up shit for my presentation which i will be winging it on, since i did not prepare at all. also, my whirligig looks like a swastika, which should be quite entertaining here in like 10 minutes when class starts. this day needs to be fucking over already. oh yeah, and i remembered in my cold shower this morninng that my journal which my teacher forwarded to the department head because some of the points were "important for him to hear" definitely made reference to the size of some of my fellow classmates "stones". the depoartment head should appreciate that one. anyhow, class calls. later.
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# posted by derek : 10/23/2003 10:48:04 AM
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
from mcsweeneys. anything garden gnome related makes me happy."A L E T T E R T H A T S E E M S T O B E F R O M M Y G A R D E N G N O M E S . BY MICHAEL KNOX - - - -Dear Michael, We, your Garden Gnomes, have decided that it is time we let you know the truth: We are alive. This is not a prank. We have been concealing ourselves for some time but have decided, after much examination, since you mercilessly creamed your little nephew in that Cool Whip fight (sorry about the pun) that you are our kind of guy. We know that this must seem a like a joke of some sort, but we assure you that we are alive and in order to persuade you, we have compiled a list of facts that no one but us could know: Firstly, we know that you think it was neighborhood delinquents who have been sneaking in here and rearranging us. The truth is that we just can't remember what order you put us in after we have our little parades around the backyard all night. Also, Snuffnuff (the one with the accordion), who you found broken in the street out front, was not stolen by those hypothetical delinquents whom we remember you cursing (and we could hear you all the way back here, we thought you should know). He was hit by a pick-up truck while crossing the street to see if those tacky flamingos rented by your neighbor for his fiftieth birthday could talk or not. We still don't know if they can. Secondly, we know about the talk you and Clara had last week about the state of your relationship. We thought you should know that she did a lot of eye rolling and hand puppet jabbering when you weren't looking. We think she's a flake and we don't like her. Thirdly, it was us who ate the peanuts you left out here a few nights ago. We heard you grumbling about the mess we left of the shells too, and how you thought it was squirrels. Sorry. We like peanuts and we figured you were too wasted to remember if you'd devoured them and thrown the shells all over the place or not. Fourthly, we see you pee out here all the time. Fifthly, we know about the pirate costume incident and it was us who disposed of it for you, so you can relax. You're welcome, and for the love of God we hope that wasn't what it smelled like. If it was, we suggest wearing a diaper at the next costume kegger. Sixthly, we're getting a little tired of Clara's hokey enthusiasm for chi and her chi-related complaints about this garden. We may just be Garden Gnomes, but that stuff's a load of crap. Seventhly, Puffruff (the one with the wheelbarrow) would like to complain that your little nephew kicked him over during the righteous slathering. The rest of us like your little nephew, and would like to say that Puffruff is something of a whiny little bitch sometimes. With the exception of Puffruff we would all like to see more whipped cream related activities out here. We think that should just about cover it, Michael. We're sure that you're still skeptical about either the veracity of this letter or your mental health right now. We apologize. The point is: We just want to be friends. If you do too, bring beer and little glasses out into the backyard right now. We love drinking contests and after your birthday we know you do too. Hoping you are pleasantly surprised, Your Garden Gnomes"
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# posted by derek : 10/21/2003 10:47:44 AM
holy shit, doug posted! he says the posts will be coming at a furious pace now that he is unemployed and living with his parents. ill believe it when i see it, but at least theres hope. anyhow, to class with me.
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# posted by derek : 10/21/2003 10:05:20 AM
disturbing news here folks. danimal informs me today that hes been looking at engagement rings, and in fact has one picked out already. anyone interested in helping me eliminate the poor bastard from the face of the planet can email me. well throw him in the river with you know who, and claim it was a murder suicide at the riverbank.i dropped 69 points on danimal playing college football just a bit ago. i was wash state, he was lsu. he threw 10 picks. fumbled at least once. it was close til the fourth quarter believe it or not. well, maybe close isnt the right choice of words, but at least within reach with a little help from the chip. i have now become grand champion of the house. i refused a rematch, because i can.the day of toil ended at 9pm. that roughly 6 hours of work folks, minus a short break for subway. this is unacceptable. if it happens again i will be quitting school and joining the circus. presentation in about 9 hours. isnt quite done yet. have to finish in the morning i guess. shitty.tomorrow we pick up 37 pizzas and deliver them to the billers club meeting just so we can get 2 pizzas for free. then we will sit down and eat and talk about how gay the club is and drink beer, and then probably go break something in billys room. this will be the highlight of my tuesday.i did situps and pushups today. and yesterday. i am sore. but soon i will be ripped, with a six pack to rival the wessers, just in time for winter bundling. only i will enjoy the abs of steel again apparently, though perhaps i will share them with one or two of you.it sounds like miss katies is going to hell in a handbasket without the leadership ability of yours truly, his majesty lord pork chop. hold tight restaurant, i will return soon enough.as for the haitian, i too will believe it when i see it.as i sit here i can see in my last post an error or two as far as grammar and shit goes. it kind of bothers me, but i am far too lazy to go back and change it. i type these things stream of conscious style, and ive never been one for proofreading, and pretty much once its posted it aint gettin fixed, so fuck it. just thought you should all know.well ive gotta pee, so thats gonna do it for this edition of d's fireside chats. its been lovely taking a bit of time out of your day with my rambling stream of nonsensical shite. hopefully we shall do it again soon. goodbye friends.oh, one more thing before i go. the bloggers seem to be a bit lacking from some of you lately. you are providing me with nothing to read. and while this really only serves to make me blog more often to fill my usually empty day, i must say for the record that i am quite disappointed. and im sure you guilty parties know who im talking to here. fix it, or deal with the wrath of furious d.
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# posted by derek : 10/21/2003 12:52:07 AM
Monday, October 20, 2003
this day of work sucks ass. it is now about 545 and i have been working like a bastard since about 315 or so. this is very uncharacteristic of me, and i blame it on having no distractions here so far, except the whole washing machine breaking down thing, which i dont really see as that big of a deal, but which apparently is a huge problem for the biller who made me come down and look at it like four times right in the middle of my non stop workathon here. so now i am taking like a five minute break since this computer is being pissy and wont open some of the shit ineed it to open. id say im about halfway done. 5 hours of work in one day is absolutely unacceptable. i think i will quit soon and finish in the morning, so expect an early furios post as i scramble to complete this shit. my grade on the rationale thing wasnt as bad as i expected. a c+. decent considering i had no sources and this was a major requirement. but seriously, on a rough draft? why waste my time with sources. so ive gotta do that though. and these rubric things are a huge pain in the ass to design. as long as i know how im gonna grade the shit, why do i need to type it all out and show everybody? worthless. mika calling. fury. the haitian says he may be coming up this weekend. we all know what that means, much booze, ripping on old vag, and probably the liklihood of a fight with frat boys downtown. should be fun. the blogger will keep you posted. anyhow, must try to revive the computer here and pound this shit out before my stomach digests itself. i am starving, but will not allow myself to eat before finishing this shit. back to slaving away!
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# posted by derek : 10/20/2003 05:44:40 PM
AMAZING!!!
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# posted by derek : 10/20/2003 02:02:50 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
some thoughts:school sucks, as does the workload that goes with it.dans gonna have to post more than twice a week. this shit aint cuttin it.carlyle owes like 400+ dollars to golds gym, or so this letter that came for him says. not sure if he knows yet or not. im sure if he doesnt i will be receiving a call soon. ask biller carlyle, he knows.dan is taking to long and needs to hurry up so he can drive me to get food. i am famished.go marlins.quincy is well on his way to the plaoffs, which of course means super bowl mvp soon enough.god are the falcons bad.nobody yells more than billy when playing xbox alone three floors below the rest of us. ridiculous.HURRY UP DAN, SHIT!cleaned out the car, took like 4 trips fully loaded for me to get all the shit inside. wowsers.my mad killing spree begins soon, first two victims; the fag from the fantasy league and the wicked witch of the westside (athens).my brother got a stern talking to today about spreading nonsense about me all over town. that fucking kid. fury. i will kick his ass in person next time i see him.missed taters birthday. too bad really, bet there was lots of booze. oh sweet booze, weve been apart too long. trivia night tuesday? coma wednesday? i like the sounds of that.DAN, FOR CHRISTS SAKES IM DYING HERE!fuck that kid, im either going upstairs and dragging him down, or leaving without him.
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# posted by derek : 10/19/2003 07:03:01 PM
ive been to the edge folks. i looked over. what i saw scared me so i screamed like a little girl and ran back here and asked the vortex to comfort me. but at any rate, i have returned to athens. much work to do. this week will be my hell week.so, since none of you (carlyle excluded) have the priviledge of seeing the happenings on the fantasy baseball message board. after the whole fight challenge issue, the following posts occur, in this order:in a post entitled "it should be obvious""that i would not actually meet someone i dont know to fight them for no reason. so i talk shit on a message board. so fucking what. it was slutts that initiated such aggressive conversation. i dont give a fuck. i signed up in this league for competition, was told by doug that whoever won got a bottle from everyone who lost, and that was it. so then i make some moves that no one in a public league under default settings would give a shit about and you guys bitch. i get some crappy trade proposasls, so i bitch. and then i talk a little shit once i'm in first place. this is when slutts blows up and goes on a little rant about me. i talk some more shit, and everyone has an opinion. think what you want. i won the league, i deserve a bottle. if you dont want to pay up, then fuck you. that's all i've been trying to say the entire time. i never knew any of you. the only person i do know is doug and he's staying completely out of this. so if you dont want to pay up then dont. be a pussy. if you want to continue to waste your time by visiting this message board just to see what i'll say then youre fucking pathetic. i'll kill all of you with a shotgun if you come near me."my post in reponse was entitled "wow""wow, a shotgun. all i have is a stick with a nail in it."this message board has been a constant source of entertainment for me for the last several weeks. i think i will also post saying that i showed up thursday night, which of course i didnt cause honestly i wouldnt be found in classic city, and then call the kid a pussy for backing out. then we will see if he is "pathetic" and chekcs the message board again. quite entertaining. marlins up 1-0. very solid. fuck the yankees. now that they have beaten the sox, i can go back to hating them with all ive got. my car is a mess. i must clean it out before it swallows me whole one day. too much shit in the back. and the front. and the trunk. and poor junior boxington isnt even there taking up space anymore. i have decided after scanning the internet for ten minutes or so now between these last two sentences, that i have nothing else to blog about. so i shall now retire to the vortex, and sit for a bit before resuming all of my fucking work. this week sucks already and i dont even have class for two more days.
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# posted by derek : 10/19/2003 12:38:25 PM
Thursday, October 16, 2003
here it is folks, the early morning blog. didnt go to bed til like 3:30 or so, then up at 8, so i should be in good shape for this 6 hours of class today. perhaps ill pass out face down on the table and refuse to get up or participate. ill let you know how it goes. ive stolen billys drinking hat for the weekend, but he doesnt know so dont tell him. i dont think he will notice. had a chicken biscuit this morning, very solid. my coke awaits me in about 20 minutes or so, for class in the computer lab. psst, youre not supposed to have drinks in there, thats right, im a rebel. this girl in the computer lab here sitting across from me is an intolerable bitch. little does she know i just typed this about her. ha! whore. i hate you! hahahahaha. much maniacal laughter. it should be obvious at this point that i am sleep deprived. fucking roiseanne was on last night instead of threes company, what the fuck? then it was all in the family. thats when i decided sleep was a must, as these shows just arent cutting it for late night entertainment. and whatever happened to family ties. that show was a classic, but aspparently they dont show it anymore, juts this all in the family shite. can we get some sanford and son instead please. they used to have prefect strangers at 4am too, didnt stay up to see if it still came on though. i have my doubts. theyre ruining their linbeup, and i for one wont stand it. i may have to return to dvds at night. damn you nick at nite, damn you. but the cosby show still comes on, cheers too, but now only one episode. anyhow, i feel i amrambling on about tv too much. this ass clown two computers over has a cup full of water, no lid. he is clearly disregarding the sign like driectly in front of him that says, and i quote, "NO OPEN DRINKS (with the no also underlined) please leave open drinks on the front counter. please keep sealed drinks on the floor, NOT on the desktops." his open drink is on the desktop. he just left. i feel i should knock over his drink on the way to the printer. that would teach him. cocksucker. damn, hes back. maybe ill do it anyway. just kind of accisentaly reach over and slap that shit, then be like "oops" all innocent like and walk right out. perhaps. its too early to be awake and the intolerable bitch keeps looking at me and half smiling half sneering cause i think thats all she can make her mouth do; its stuck in some permanent half sneer, it bothers me. im wondering what shit i had to do that i didnt do. class starts in 20. the toddlercock ass clown is driving me nuts. his drink is definitely going over. IB (intolerable bitch) has up and left, finally. TCAC (figure it out) is wearing old school newbies with a button up shirt, unaccaptable. ill stab him with this pen ive got. class in 19. why is there a handicapped sign on the wall here? is that a special computer for the ahndicapped. sweet, on the third floor of a quite handicapped unfriendly building. hey, tods (short of course for toddlercock) use the computer pal or get the fuck out of the lab. he appears to be doing math homework or some such shit. i just looked up toddler in the online dictionary to see if ive been spelling it right. the definition is "something that toddles" which cracks me up. i think i laughed out loud. im that guy now. old toddles was that guy earlier. perhaps thats what first drew my ire. class in 15. about time to go get my coke and plant myself firmly in the back of class before someone else beats me there. this shit is competitive you know. toddles, here goes your water buddy, best watch out. later folks.
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# posted by derek : 10/16/2003 10:46:24 AM
dude, i was gonna go right to bed and all, but as i went to drink my nightly glass of milk and rinse the glass out in the sink i of course looked up at the window over the sink, the one with the screen that isnt flush with the frame all the way around, and so sometimes bugs get in there, usually big grasshoppers but sometimes moths too, and so what did i see but a walking stick which is like the coolest thing ive seen all day but now i am missing threes company and my bed and so i am really going now.
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# posted by derek : 10/16/2003 02:05:11 AM
i warn you people now, next week could be a dry one on this here blogger. way too much shit to do and way too little time to do it. i may not see the iowa state dynasty again for a week or better. good to see carlyle blogger though. bout time. now if dan would get off his ass and do the same, wed be all good here. someone just took a bath in this house, i heard the water running, and wondered what was going on. then i heard the water being let out and almost blew a gasket i was so appaled. this is a house of men. there are no baths taken here. plus, have you seen that tub? its fucking gross. youd probably come out dirtier. needless to say, the list of suspects is down to two, and i am sure you all know who i point to as the prime suspect. so the cubs blew it. i am officially happy with the way the postseason is now going. if the fucking sox would only lose now, all would again be right with the world. i turned the game on with the score 5-3 or something like that. dan says to me, "not liking that huh?" to which i replied that i was not concerned, the cubs would surely blow it, and sho nuf that they did in the ensuing three batters. it was a beautiful thing. carlson, please give kary a drunken call soon berating him for being in love. this cannot last. if kary gets laid, the world may soon end. i have to get up early tomorrow and get all my shit together. this is no good. if i have this much shit to do, when on earth am i going to get to sleep. and these fucking classes of mine justify it by saying shit like, "you think this is hard, wait til next year, then youll really be busy." fuck you, next year there is money involved, and thus a bit of material incentive. whatre you giving me now fuckers, except a headache and bags under my eyes. this is fucking bullshit. i havent seen jeopardy in months.hopefully these many bloggers in like the last 48 hours or so will hold you over for a while there folks. maybe ill add one more in the morning, when i am in the computer lab suposedly getting shit done, but this is not a promise. for now i am out, threes company on nick at nite is calling my name, and one cannot ignore jack tripper can one? im gonna blast tony toni tone all the way to atlanta this weekend, then follow it up with skee-lo and bel biv devoe on the way home. should be solid.oh, and speaking of bel biv devoe (i know i was gonna leave, but this cant wait), some fuck a couple of weeks ago tries to tell me that poison was performed by new edition. then he claimed that bobby brown was in bel biv devoe. "look here pal," i tells him, "their names are the basis for bel biv devoe. as in michael bivins, and devoe, and bel something or other, not bobby brown biv devoe." he was of course soused so this made perfect sense, but still he argued with me, until i pointed out that the song says bel biv devoe in it several times, to which he still would not relent, so i hit him square in the jaw, kicked him in the shin, smashed a bottle of bacardi over his head (mostly empty), and then screamed "miss her kiss her love her, that girl is poison" at his crumpled form, and waltzed off into the night. okay, so maybe that last part contained a bit of hyperbole, but you get the point.anyhow, shalom. and i rest my case. toodles.
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# posted by derek : 10/16/2003 01:59:16 AM
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
i am now declaring dougs blogger dead, again. doug is in fact alive after the braves shitty nlds performance, which is a bit surprising, though he is probably hanging on only because he is going to vegas to gamble with maddux, who has agreed to cover any losses doug incurs. i cannot go due to this whole school thing and the fact that my parents will likely murder me if i do not graduate this year. so no vegas for me. the cable box moved upstairs today, out of the vortex. needless to say, i had nothing to do with said move and am in fact quite dismayed. it will of course be moving back come saturdays. just because i spend too much time with the xbox on the big tv does not give some chumps who are only here for one semester this year the right to go moving the cable box. horseshit i say.moving on. moving on.moving...apparently i am at a loss here. no other news i guess. oh, heres one, so bart moved to chicago? when the hell did this happen. how come my friends do not tell me of these things. fuckers. one more reason to not like my so called 'friends'. they are all dead to me. good thing i have you blogger. youll never turn your back on me. (aside)- or will you, you scheming bastard. youre probably plotting right now. ill log on one day and itll tell me my password is invalid. then what will i do. ill hunt you down you whore, and ill get a new password, and destroy you from the inside out. (end aside). anyhow, now that thats done, im hungry. perhaps i will go eat something, then watch the cubs blow it and blame it on some goat. the bosox are floundering as we speak. ill be calling jaron soon it looks like. he will be in a great mood im sure. go yankees (only time i will ever utter that phrase) and especially go marlins. i hope wood is shelled and out by the third inning. that would be great- 12-1 in the seventh and wrigley half empty. oh man, how sweet would that be. if sosa homers to win it i swear ill shoot him in the face then run screaming naked through the steets of chicago sos i seem insane and get a cushy assignment in a room with padded walls. anyhow, food! im gone.
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# posted by derek : 10/15/2003 07:18:19 PM
OOOOHHHHH! dan, she drove over the grass! she drove over the grass! get her dan!
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# posted by derek : 10/15/2003 02:19:44 PM
here comes the fury.i cannot go down into the vortex cause billy is down there with his dog. thats right, his dog. mika isnt here, but the dog is. where is mika you ask? i do not know, but she did just call, all of five minutes after leaving. ridiculous. also ridiculous: listen here fratty, if its cold enough that you need a fucking sweatshirt then maybe its time to put on pants or maybe just maybe a pair of fucking socks with your fucking boat shoe dealies. you look like a moron pal, all bundles in sweatshirt, but still wearing the fratty short shorts and shoes without socks. man did i wanna deck that mother fucker.hmm, what else. OH YES! the cubs, hahahahahahahaha. i love it. the only thing that could have made it better would have been to see sammys bat have cork in it when it shattered. oh well, ill take an eight run eighth inning for the marlins. and the sox lost too, good day for baseball.i hate school and the work involved in case anyone was wondering. how can i get all kinds of great comments on a paper and end up with an 83? can anyone tell me. a classic case of grammar taking higher priority than content. fury on that paper. if it had taken more than like an hour id be really pissed. anyhow since biller is invading my vortex i suppose i will go get work done so i dont have to do it later. also, miss hapy burger, your comment thingie wouldnt come up and let me comment. this too was infuriating, but i shall try again.dans blogger is once again in icu. these two line posts just arent sufficient to keep the blogger breathing. we need more danimal, and so does it. get on it pal.i will kill that little fag at classic city soon enough. hes asked for it.
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# posted by derek : 10/15/2003 02:13:09 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
how do? well not too much has gone on lately. youll notice its like 130 on a tuesday. i should be in class, but i just couldnt quite muster up the motivation to go today, which means that come thurday when my next class rolls around i will have had an entire week off, which is pretty solid. i did indeed get drunk by myself in the vortex saturday evening while watching the georgia game. the transition into carlson is now complete. many drunken phone calls were recieved, from reilly, and like 18 from carlson, who did tell some girl he loved her, i heard it myself, so dont believe his lies. in other news, i now have a very solid verbal battle going on in the fantasy baseball league which is of course over. but since this bitch ass mother fucker won, no one is going to give him anything for winning, which of course has made him extrememly bitter and he has resorted to calling all of us bitches or some such shit and telling us to suck his balls, and so anyhow, i posted a message saying id be more inclined to pay up if he wasnt calling us all fuckers and whatnot. he of course replied by again calling me a bitch and saying "and i swear to god if i ever see any of you fuckers..." so i of course told him we should arrange a meeting since he lives in athens. he has now challenged me to a duel of some sort at classic city on thursday night. little does he know i do not attend bitch ass bars where he has bouncer friends. plus, i have things to do this weekend, and will not be bloodying up my lovely face, so maybe next week there pal. anyhow, i must return to the vortex as it missses me, and iowa state must continue their dominance over their mediocre college football peers. the utep game is next. utep wronged me by running up the score on my my third year at iowa state, in a game that was competitive until the second half of the fourth quarter. due to this complete lack of respect for their former coach, i now feel the need to absolutely manhandle utep every time i face them. it will be ugly. to the vortex!
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# posted by derek : 10/14/2003 01:28:19 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
i just got off the phone with carlyle. we are both drunk, but he much more than i. he told some girl that he loved her, and that she was his ticket to freedom or some such shit. then he cackled more than ive heard him cackle probably ever. it was classic. anyhow, georgia manhandled tennessee today, it was the greatest thing ive ever seen on tv. iowa state won their first national title today on xbox. a powerhouse is in the making. i must go to bed now. paper due tomorrow. 5 pages. no gos. adios.
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# posted by derek : 10/12/2003 01:44:43 AM
Thursday, October 09, 2003
i am now in class. in the computer lab. ha! this is their mistake. little do they know that i will not be doing the assignment, but rather will be spending my time bloggering. i hate the red sox. i hate the yankees. and because of sammy sosa, i hate the cubs. this is infuriating. when did the hawks get obinna ekezie and stephen jackson. this is news to me. cici's has yet to wreak havoc on my innards. i am waiting. six hours of class today, hopefully it wont happen in the middle. i am sick of school. i will be quitting soon and running off to join the circus. you are all welcome to come. carlyle will be dying this week at the hands of milwaukee's premium or whatever he is drinking. speaking of drinking too much, apparently my brother got an hour and a half lecture from the doctor about it. ill paraphrase- hes depressed, hes got an ulcer or something, he should join the marines, and he may have some terminal disease. all because of the booze. who knew? had to read an entire book last night, this is shitty. anyhow, here comes teacher, must minimize.whew, that was close. she almost caught me. hmm, now new people to stare at my shit. im out.
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# posted by derek : 10/9/2003 11:05:50 AM
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
carlson, you owe me five dollars for beating your ass in fantasy baseball. also, please go check the laegue page just to see what a fucking moron that kid that won is. if i didnt want to beat his ass before, i want to hit him in the back of the head with a shovel now then light him on fire and throw him off a bridge. that fucking kid may be the most infuriating human being on earth. anyhow, back to homework for me.
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# posted by derek : 10/8/2003 11:01:35 PM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
well, its tuesday and i have no food in the fridge at all, and no money or motivation to go shopping, so of course you know what that means. back to papa johns; right back into the arms of the mistress who wronged me. call me a sellout if you must, but dammit im hungry. youll note for the record that i did indeed call the as collapse, as well as the new york boston series as well as the boston chicago series. this shit is infuriating, and i have now become the worlds largest florida marlins fan, which of course means they will eb the next team elimated as none of my baseball teams will ever win. basketball i do alright, but not baseball. i think doug may have killed himself, havent heard from him yet.i am amazed by how many of these morons in my teaching program are so shocked by the fact that, and i quote, "not everyone loves to read". what a fucking dumb assumption to make, that just because you like something the rest of the world must love it too. if that were true, the national slogan would be "this place is dead anyway" or "youre like a big bear man" and wed all wear our hats cocked a bit to the right and drive cadillacs, and burritos would be served at every establishment known to man, and baseballs opening day would be a national holiday. oh wait, im done with baseball.anyhow, my pizza is waiting on me, so im out. these dogs must go. they are stringing trash all over the house, and making me pet them when i dont really want to.
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# posted by derek : 10/7/2003 04:53:06 PM
Monday, October 06, 2003
when does basketball seaon start?
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# posted by derek : 10/6/2003 12:40:36 AM
Sunday, October 05, 2003
yep. its official. the a's are the worst team in baseball. call me jaron. ive given up on my team already. and for the record, if the lose game 5 im done with baseball. even if the braves win the fucking world series, i wont watch. fucking bullshit. mulder and hudson hurt. great. ive never seen a team so good at just giving away games. the shit is fixed i say. just watch. yankees bosox alcs. then bosox cubs world series. made for tv baseball. might as well be the fucking nba. rigged shit.also, speaking of fucking terrible teams; the falcons. nuf said.ive looked at how much shit i have to do this week and it is just a ridiculous workload. i think ill refuse to do it and see what happens.coach c has left utep. just beat his former team with a now vastly improved uga team. thats right folks, coach c has come home. about damn time uga came to their senses and agreed to hire the 180 games in a row winner. i guess they were sick and tired of mediocrity.why wont she leave?! and her little dog too.i have no food to eat. this is no good.apparently there is a mouse in the house. will thinks this is gross. i dont really give a shit. as long as it attacks mika in the middle of the night. ill find it and convince it to do so.ive got nothing else to blog about. still furious about that goddamn baseball game.gotta go check quintels stats. done.
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# posted by derek : 10/5/2003 05:17:06 PM
well, still too many dogs in the house here. my nose is planning a revolt, luckily though it seems too stuffed up to be very successful in this attempt.so georgia won yesterday, probably because i was nowhere near athens when the game was taking place. henceforth, i will now attempt to stay far away from any georgia football action in hopes that i am indeed the curse on the team. the braves won, barely, and looks like smoltz is fucked, great news there, and theyll blow it tonight anyhow. my a's are well on their way to winning games 1 and 2 and then losing 3 in a row for the third straight year. last night they put on one hell of a baserunning display. worst thing ive ever seen.sould have won 3-1 easily. bosox in 5, ive now changed my tune. typical a's.hmm, what else. oh yeah, katie knight made me pinky promise to say something nice about her on my blogger. assuming she remembers this exchange, here goes: she has nice hair. was that nice enough? shell have to let me know. its the best i could come up with at this early hour. thats right carlyle, another post before noon. but at least today i rise for football, not class. good to see florida and tennessee lose yesterday. has the sec east gone soft. tennessee over georgia by two touchdowns next week.everyone ask carlson about his ass sweat story. its a classic.the moron apparently got lit into by the doctor. he has a chemical imbalance due to too much drinking. too much drinking? i am amazed that this did not happen to any of us. what a retard. and his roommate got a dui like a week after his 21st b-day. i think this is hilarious, but maybe im the only one.whos house? runs house!i quit at utep last night and made the move to iowa state. it was bit of a hasty move, and turns out i bit off more than i could chew, so i spit it back out and didnt save. but im gonna try again today. cant resist the lure of the all red unis.so there you have it folks. my sunday morning post. oh yes, keep in mind all, that any postings on the shortbus are indeed fiction; i know it may be easy to peg me as a rapist, but alas, it is just a story made up to show how my lovely unnamed character in the novel is not such a nice dude. so easy with the accusations. and speaking of accusations, carlyle stepped up and admitted to being the 'melissa' on dans comments. once again d is wrongly accused. convicted without a trial, then proven to be innocent. easy there danimal with the wild accusations from now on. had i done it i wold have admitted it.now i must go, the vortex is calling, sweet siren, and i cannot resist.
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# posted by derek : 10/5/2003 11:36:25 AM
Thursday, October 02, 2003
so the dog is here. not the evil one's evil one, but dans parents dog. i do not yet hate it. but it does seem needy. dan has confirmed that it does seem to be a mix between a beagle and a german shepherd, which makes me a genius cause thats what i guessed after only having seen it once, and then not guessing for like a month. this has been me tooting my own horn.moving on, this having mondays and wednesdays off for two weeks is gonna be fucking sweet. sleep will be nice for a change.i have no food, and of course there is no room for food in the fridge because of the fucking club party we had here, and all of their food, most of which seems unidentifiable at this point, is crammed in there. my teacher put on my paper that i got back today that my dealie seemed like a 'cop out'. this is horseshit; teachers should not be able to identify my lack of effort.the weather here is perfect. hows milwaukee carlyle?the shortbus is going strong. new contributions from myself and the burger. im sure chris will add some soon as well.i must get the bongo beatin' love gorilla from my brother soon. he is no longer allowed to have it, and i want it. its the coolest thing ever. it and the disco vampire will have a battle to the death to see who remains house mascot."im just a love machine, i dont want to work for nobody but you"
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# posted by derek : 10/2/2003 05:44:23 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
this site is pretty funny. you should go there, if for nothing else than just to witness the back and forth between the sexes.http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/linzayyy/warof50things.html
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# posted by derek : 9/30/2003 09:43:23 PM
A post!thats right folks. im back. at least for this afternoon, since i dipped out of class early, and just dont feel like dealing with any of these fucking roommates. so blogger it is. i havent even looked at anybodys blogger in like a week, so its good to see that the rest of you arent dead, as i must have seemed to be. anyhow, i am abandoning the end of the lsu story as it really just wasnt very exciting. we will instead be moving on to other more important topics.so it is true, there was a party here last thursday, and it was alright. the byob thing kind of sucked, but luckily there were still 25 beers left in the house here from something or other. i called my 13 by 6pm, popped the first one shortly after, and proceeded to make good on my word, drinking each and every one of the thirteen. needless to say i made a drunken fool of myself, donning the emazing tanktop for the last half of the evening, and calling in greenwoods replacement, the disco vampire, who represented you well there chris, youll be happy to note. the turnout was pretty impressive, decent bit of beef, though of course everyone was gone by like 1045. expect yours truly and a few survivors, who continued to drink and dance with the disco v until like 1 or so.i am indeed addicted to the lemonade stand game. i will conquer that shit one day. now all i do is build my stand up and laugh as the fools pay entirely too much for lemonade on hot hazy days. price gauging at its finest.billy is on the phone with mika. shes called twice in 3 minutes.someone was in the shower for like 45 minutes this morning. i smell bad as a result.my month in the middle school ends after tomorrow, so its back to two day weeks for a while after that. should be solid.carlyle, i hear kary couldnt get your check from the slut at hr. she says you have to come and get it yourself? how horribly unreasonable. typical stone mountain park tomfoolery. utep is now straight a-pluses. they are sick. though todd left. easily the best player in the history of the game. he shredded the record books as a halfback. 4000 yards in a season. not too shabby against the toughest schedule imaginable. like all top ten teams. and yes, i know its just a video game.the braves will lose, no doubt in my mind. thats all the time i will waste on such a sentiment. though if they lose in game 5 on a sosa homer, look for me to be in prison by the following morning after having murdered sosa and headed straight for the police precinct to turn myself in.i have also been neglecting the shortbus, but i will try to update it tonight as well. we'll see how it goes.atlanta traffic is the worst thing i have ever experienced. i am sure that third degree burns are less painful, even before your nerves have been fried right off. greenwood, i am with you on this one. we should start a campaign to rid the world of shitty drivers and those assholes who insist on causing wrecks and then not moving their goddamn suvs out of the fucking way, thus blocking traffic flow for hours. i think it should be called 'operation drop-a-hydrogen-bomb-on-atlanta'. its gotta nice ring to it if i do say so myself.speaking of nice rings, how about a fucking world series bravos. seriously, i know i said i wouldnt discuss it further, but if they blow it this year im done. no more me as a braves fan. christ, i might as well be a red sox fan for all the grief they cause me. so this is it braves. an ultimatum. its either a world series or i walk. that should be plenty of motivation for them. fuckers.anyhow, i am now sick of typing, and ive still got much fucking school shite to do, so i should give my typing fingers a rest, so im gonna go now. more posting coming this week and next, since my load will be a bit lighter for a while. later chumps.
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# posted by derek : 9/30/2003 05:06:41 PM
Thursday, September 25, 2003
so here i am in the computer lab, not doing the work i should be doing because its just too damn boring. so instead i suppose i will blogger about the baton rouge trip. and i know i know. i promised not too because dan was being a meany and was calling me names and shit, but im fuckin bored here dude, and class doesnt start for like 20 more minutes. so here goes. we'll see if i get all the way through it.so heres what happened. we went back to atlanta thursday night, cause pops biller was gonna cook us steaks and shit, and derosa was gonna be around, and really i just wanted free steaks, so the atl it was. and it was solid. free beer and steaks makes d a happy boy. but alas i did cash soon after the va tech game (this busy ass schedule has worn me completely down to just a sad tired version of my former self), which turned out to be clutch, as wed be getting up at like 730 for the next 3 days. so at like 730 or 8 or something i am awakened by the biller (and here i will pause to reflect on how fucking awesome the bed i got to sleep on at billers house was, his little sisters bed, and so this whole waking up thing was fucking horseshit), and we finally get headed off at like 930ish i think. who knows. the trip was uneventful itself, except for maybe the giant slow stupid bugs that kept whacking against the windshield mile after mile. then baton rouge. so we get to the hotel, have some beer, watch the football team arrive, and then got ready for food. some cajun place, too much seafood for my tastes, but oh well. we stole billys phone (too many calls from mika) and jason (billys cousin) got up where the band was playing and barked like a dog on the microphone which was pretty funny. oh and did i mention more beer. so basically an uneventful night, but tomorrow was a big day, so...saturday- again a fucking 730 wakeup, this time for boozing and tailgating. went to the buffet at hotel, worst service imaginable. worse even than miss katies with katie knight as your server (we'll see if she reads this shite). id have fired them all, then blown the place to pieces, but i was still a bit tired. anyhow, off to campus. free parking on campus is always clutch, so thats more money on booze and shit later right? well, we shall see. i am leaving this with a to be continued right now since class starts in like 5 minutes and ive gotta get a solid seat in the back. but heres a teaser- a dude named snake; some asswipe in a iowa hawkeyes jersey and me drunk as piss; some fucking sorosrtitute from lsu with a uga magnet which i tried to steal back; billy and dan and their gaggle of men; that fucking game from the nosebleed section; and of course the worst headache mankind has ever seen. all coming at you in the next edition of pocupine stu's big bag o' fun.
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# posted by derek : 9/25/2003 10:49:32 AM
Thursday, September 18, 2003
my bloggers longer than yours.clearly youve all got a case of blogger envy.i need comments!
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# posted by derek : 9/18/2003 12:20:20 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
this is my bloggering. long time coming i know, but ive been busy. and were not talking college football and beer busy either, but like actual work busy which is horseshit. however, there was definitely beer involved this past weekend. so, the long awaited, and not so stellar, biloxi story.so as usual with any doug childers event, we didnt get the hell out of atlanta until like 2 hours later than planned. why? because we have to meet at dougs parents new house (which by the way cant be more than like 5 miles from athens, but due to the roundabouit way we had to take to get there took like 50 minutes to get to) then go meet this shannon kid and his annoying girlfriend by dougs parents old house by discover mills and then go get dougs brother little patrick in like roswell or some shit before we can even start heading to biloxi. so finally we get to little patricks apartment where i make a pit stop and get the pleasure of going inside the apartment, whcih is easily the nastiest apartment on the face of the earth. does anyone remember hearing about that woman who got arrested when the went into her apartment and trash was stacked waste deep throughout; it was like that. seriously wouldnt surprise me if puma sized rats were feasting on a rotting carcass in the kitchen or bedroom. anyhow, after that nice little tour (he had cleaned for 45 minutes says he), we head out of town. i am itchin to drink and not long after we leave atl city limits jaron and i are sitting in the back seat with the cooler between us just putting them down, throwing empty cans back into the cooler and grabbing more. gas in lagrange, where we pick up high life (champagne!) 40s for 1.99, anbd start throwing them back too. i take mine with these 'chaser' pills doug has, essentially hangover pills, and then call the carlyle to share the exciting high life news. the phone cuts off on his sorry ass and i dont bother to call him back. who would. so anyhow, to make a long story short(er), weve already had like 13 by the time we get to the casinos, and are thus even more ready to piss our money away. pai gow it is. jaron blows all his cash quick, but d is solid as the crown prince of push knows not the agony of defeat. but since jarons dipping out ill go too, cause after like 16 beers im pretty much ready to cash. but oh the lure of the roulette wheel will not let us go. so we watch the wheel go round for a while, betting a good little bit, as nga (the spinner(?)) tells us what bets to make, and we either do it or tell her shes a fool as the law of averages knows better than her. and so we break even and eventually dip out. at this point i feel the need to mention what a fucking vag little patrick was as it was his 21st bday and he wouldnt fucking touch alcohol. but not to fear, cause i drnk his for him. and that was thursday. night. bed around 530ish. friday morning- d is sick as a bastard. hangover pills prove worthless (though doug feels like a champ) so d stays in bed all day. friday night- d is still in bed at like 10pm. but rally i will, and so to the buffet i head. shitty buffet, but in biloxi for 4.99 at 1230 what can one expect. more roulette, shittier results, back to bed.by saturday we are all ready to go, but not before football. we head to the beau rivage, more roulette, arkansas pummels texas, geogia pummels sc and i damn near pummel the fucking flamers sitting in the booth beside us at the sports bar who just will not shut the fuck up and make all of us georgia fans look retarded, screaming 'waycross, georgia' and whatnot whenever it shows the players and where theyre from. this by the way was just a minor infraction in the code of flaming faggotry that they were thumbing their noses at, breaking rules left and right. but, not to dwell, ill keep moving. oh but wait, thats the end of this little story. so, to recap- i got really shitty in the car on the way to biloxi, little patrick touched no booze even though it was FUCKING FREE!!! on a 21st birthday (this still makes me furious), and we all had to come back early cause the city's such a fucking depressing shithole.and there you have it; a post. in other news, how about this plane that bashed into the side of stone mountain last night. pitiful. who doesnt know that theres a big fucking rock there?also, during the student teaching today during a planning period where the room mr h (my mentor teacher) has is occupied by another teacher and were just chilling there for a couple minutes the teacher brings in this article about hummers to show the class and get them talking and shit. and the article is about how popular hummers are and how many people drive them, but also about how many people hate them and find them horribly offensive and inefficient and whatnot. and so the teacher asks the class, "why do so many people find hummers offensive?" to which mr h cracks up and says to me quietly, "because they taste bad." well of course some student heard it and it turns into this mini fiasco when the other teacher hears the kid saying shit to mr h. but overall the whole thng was pretty damn funny, especially since the fucking kid heard it and didnt have a clue. anyhow, enough blogger for now. gots shit to do.
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# posted by derek : 9/17/2003 06:16:05 PM
Thursday, September 11, 2003
biloxi here i come.
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# posted by derek : 9/11/2003 05:25:28 PM
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
where have all the commenters gone?
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# posted by derek : 9/10/2003 12:54:45 AM
hurricane fabian? henri? isabel? clearly the french are up to no good. why do they seem to get to name all of tis years hurricanes? this is nonsense. so here friends are my predictions for the next several pansy ass names the french will give to hurricanes this year, keeping with the male, female vibe of course.jean-paul or jacqueskatherinelaurentmadelinenikolai (they defer to the russians as they have no good n names)oliviepierre (what else)queue (cause there just arent any q names, but this word sounds french enough for me)remy or rene, or some other flaming derivitive of a feminine nameand here i flip them up, cause its more funsergethereseugly ass frenchmanvaleriewladimir (a russian name again, but this time with a german spelling, so no one gets too mad about being left out)xenophobeyveszoeso as you can see, it certainly wont be a very intimidating year of storms. maybe hurricane wladimir is a bit scary, but hurrican yves, or laurent, or serge (in the voice of serge from beverly hills cop), not at all frightening. id stand in the middle of any of those pussy ass french storms. bring em on. though really i see the next hurricane is juan, so maybe its not just france, maybe the hurricanes decided they needed a bit more diversity, to reflect an ever changing global population. whatever. i just want hurricanes with badass names like hugo back.anyhow, moving on. i now know why the saying goes 'those who can, do; those who cant, teach'. never in my life have i seen a such a bunch of panicking fucking retards as these future teachers of america in my classes. peole, you have like 6 weeks before this project thingie is due. honestly, were you gonna start tonight. no. so calm the fuck down, and just wait a week or two and maybe then itll make some sense. christ, if the whole semester isnt spelled out for them they shit their pants and cant figure out what to do with the smelly mess. pitiful people. and theyre fat and ugly and irritating to for the most part. cmon folks, one redeeming quality, thats all i ask for. anyhow, im tired and ive gotta get up at 7 tomorrow for more middle school fun. adios.ah yes, utep is now a college football powerhouse, thanks to coach of the year d.c. on the x box. fuck homework.
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# posted by derek : 9/10/2003 12:33:49 AM
Saturday, September 06, 2003
auburn is the worst ofensive football team i have ever seen. they are fucking atrocious. tubbers has to be gone in like a week. tech still sucks though.
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# posted by derek : 9/6/2003 07:00:35 PM
Friday, September 05, 2003
quote of the evening, and im sure no one needs help guessing who delivered it; and no it wasnt me:i'd fuck that fat chick.
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# posted by derek : 9/5/2003 01:35:34 AM
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
reilly. job? those two words dont go together. im confused. and so is the vortex. please explain yourself, paul allen.moving on, this school thing is wearing on me, i need another weekend. good news though, the unstoppable trivia force is back. a resounding victory last night left buffalos in quite a state of shock. no cheating either, and damn near a perfect game. only courtney brown and shirley temple tripped us up. but the dirty smokers in greece came through for us, and victory was assured. doug however, is just one big fucking picture of failure. i'll elaborate. see, dougs all about the wingman appraoch to going downtown, but goddamnit doug, i refuse to be the wingman if you wont pull the fucking trigger. your gonna get me fucking shot down while you eject and parachute to safety. all because youre too big of a pussy to go compete with the bald dude and his fratty friend. and its damn near a sure thing. im through with you doug. ive had it. no more going downtown only to see you sit at the bar and not even ante up. and you call yourself a gambler.moving on, falcons will lose this weekend to dallas and my boy quintel, whos headed for league mvp honors. i can feel it.hmm, other news. oh yes. the parents conning me into coming to dinner on monday night was not cool at all. i was promised barbecued pulled pork, and what do i get nstead when i return at 7ish. a housefull of people, including my brother and his less than worthless roommate, and no fucking barbecue. so i have to settle for a pork chop which i ate in silence, all squnched up, cause theres like 10 people packed around a small kitchen table, cause asswipe and dillhole took the big table to their house in carrollton. i was fuming. also not happy about the fact that this fucking georgia game this weekend isnt on tv, except for pay-per-view. what the fuck. like jp sports is gonna be running anything worth watching. its bogus i tell you. so maybe ill just stay in atlanta and play putt putt with six year olds or something equally exciting. oh yes, more fury on finding my stone mountain park id, the one i had to pay 25 dollars for, three days after the deadline to get my money back. figures. and finally this evening i leave you with this to ponder. what should be the fate of the next telemarketer to call this house before 9am. a 2x4 with a nail in it right across the forehead, or a nice hot fireplace poker thingie right up the ass. cause dammit, theyre gonna get one or the other for waking me up daily with a hangover. and so thatll do for now. trust me when i say im in a good mood really, just nothing eventful to talk about, so i rant. more to come soon enough. aloha.
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# posted by derek : 9/3/2003 06:37:11 PM
Monday, September 01, 2003
was i the only one who thought UGA would beat clemson. clemson fucking blows people. hell theyre coached by a shitty bowden, the one with no coaching talent. the cu v csu game was indeed badass.no one i know should ever go to steverinos again. danimal, your a bitch if you give into them and go back to that fucking place. the food isnt even that good. in fact its shitty. just shitty.every light in the house. ridiculous.june 2001, also ridiculous.i am hungry and need to do much homework, so alas, i blogger no more tonight.
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# posted by derek : 9/1/2003 10:58:31 PM
Sunday, August 31, 2003
athens, ga- a spectacular fireball lit up the sky today in athens, georgia as a local restaurant was blown of the face of the planet. the five points area of athens was left a smoldering mess, ironically just weeks before the opening of a new fire station. police are unsure at this time what caused the blast, but a fat, ugly, slutty looking whore of an employee told local authorities that two furious customers promised just such a fate at roughly 4:30 in the afternoon local time. the slut went on to describe the two individuals as "haggard and semi-drunk looking, and one couldnt stop sneezing." police are looking into the matter and say they had trouble the night before at a local wendy's when apparently three gentlemen made quite a scene when their chicken sandwiches werent ready in a prompt manner, commenting to other customers "dont get the chicken, weve been here for hours," and "i thought this was fast food, but now i want my appetizer. and wheres my free nuggets bitch, just toss 'em here." while police havent indicated that these two events may be linked, the officer giving the interview smiled at the question and stated, "off the record, these guys are fucked. steves always gave us free beer to look the other way when they dropped somebodys wings in the dirt out back, stepped on them, and then served them up with the wrong dressing."
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# posted by derek : 8/31/2003 03:04:25 AM
Saturday, August 30, 2003
i havent been this mad since the health inspector showed up at miss katies. so we call steverinos during the fist quarter of the georgia game to get food so we dont have to leave during the game. and they tell us itll be a while, about an hour, which is fine, cause its a game day and im hungover and dont mind a little wait. so 3 hours later the fucking guy finally shows up and we give him the 33 dollars plus a tip only to find out that he only brought half of the fucking order. so we of course call back, and they tell us theyre not gonna send him back out, theyll just credit us. but we paid in cash, so basically this is a load of shit. not gonna send him back out! so why the fuck did we tip him, if we now have to go pick our food up 3 and a half hours later. FURY!!!!! im gonna go storming in there and kill somebody. theyre fucking dead. where is my goddamn food, and where is my mother fucking tip. i want all my money back. pissed. id rather go to taco bell for the grilled stuffed burrito.
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# posted by derek : 8/30/2003 04:03:24 PM
Friday, August 29, 2003
my nose wont stop twitching. some fucking muscle spasm or something. ill bet i look like a rabbit. an ugly one. with short hair, cause i got it all cut off today.
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# posted by derek : 8/29/2003 05:04:13 PM
here it is folks. it has begun. quincy for heisman!*AP - Aug 28, 11:38 pm EDTMore Photos IRVING, Texas (AP) -- Bill Parcells knows better than to get too giddy over anything that happens in the preseason. But he also recognizes that beating the Oakland Raiders 52-13 Thursday night can have residual benefits for the Dallas Cowboys -- especially considering they set a franchise-record for preseason points, scored on all five drives led by newly named starting quarterback Quincy Carter and got touchdowns from the defense and special teamsCarter was 11-of-16 for 239 yards, leading Dallas to four touchdowns and a field goal. His best plays were a scrambling 69-yard touchdown pass to Joey Galloway and a 49-yarder to Terry Glenn off play action, both against Oakland's first-stringers. Carter, promoted Saturday over incumbent Chad Hutchinson, pleased Parcells with good decisions, good mobility and by not turning the ball over for a third straight game.*just thought id share. super bowl mvp. this is the year. i feel it.
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# posted by derek : 8/29/2003 03:17:32 PM
people, i put these links up for a reeason. look at them. the greenwoods site is quality. also, ive been drinking, so i cant type as well as usual. ill be leaving now. toodles.
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# posted by derek : 8/29/2003 12:23:02 AM
Thursday, August 28, 2003
ah yes, this is what else it was. i cut this shit earlier cause its hilarious, the link to arnolds interview from '77 in some porn mag called oui. luckily its still on danimals clipboard on this here computer. so, to sum up, you should all go there, its funny. solid crap to whip out during election time.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/doc_o_day/doc_o_day.htmlok, so im afraid its gonna disappear, so im gonna paste the whole article here, or at least the short version they had on this page. here goes.Schwarzenegger's Sex Talk In 1977 interview, actor spoke of orgies, drugs, and homosexualityAUGUST 27--Arnold Schwarzenegger once told a magazine interviewer about participating in an orgy with other bodybuilders, noting that "everybody jumped on" the woman involved and "took her upstairs where we all got together." The California Republican added that not every muscleman participated in the gang bang, "just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys. Not everybody can do that. Some think that they don't have a big-enough cock, so they can't get a hard-on."Schwarzenegger's lewd talk appeared in the August 1977 issue of Oui, an adult magazine then published by Playboy Enterprises. The five-page Schwarzenegger interview was conducted by author Peter Manso and flagged on the magazine's cover with the headline, "Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Sex Secrets of Bodybuilders."At the time of the Oui story, Schwarzenegger, then 29, was appearing in "Pumping Iron," a documentary on the bodybuilding circuit. In the Q&A with Manso, today's gubernatorial wannabe spoke about his sex life, drug usage, and belief that men "shouldn't feel like fags just because they want to have nice-looking bodies."[Click here to read the entire Schwarzenegger interview.]Schwarzenegger even entertained a question about his penis size. When Manso asked, "Is your cock disproportionate to the rest of you?" Schwarzenegger replied, "Well, that depends on what you mean by disproportionate. The cock isn't a muscle, so it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals. You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure." He added that "women have told me they're curious about its size--you know, outgoing chicks who're just trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of lines, including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it means nothing. Bodybuilders' cocks are the same size as everyone else's."Asked if he felt "exploited" by women who pursued him because of his physique, Schwarzenegger said, "No, I'd feel used only if I didn't get something out of it. If a girl comes on strong and says, 'I really dig your body and I want to fuck the shit out of you,' I just decide whether or not I like her. If I do take her home, I try to make sure I get just as much out of it as she does. The word exploited therefore wouldn't apply." Schwarzenegger later noted that once outside the gym, he forgets about bodybuilding: "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care."On the practice of abstaining from sex prior to a competition, Schwarzenegger rejected that approach: "I get laid on purpose. I can't sleep before a competition and I'm up all night, anyway, so instead of staring at the ceiling I figure I might as well find somebody and fuck." In fact, at the 1972 Mr. Olympia contest, "we had girls backstage giving head, then all of us went out and I won. It didn't bother me at all; in fact, I went out there feeling like King Kong," added Schwarzenegger.When Manso asked whether he used "dope," Schwarzenegger replied, "Yes, grass and hash--no hard drugs. But the point is that I do what I feel like doing. I'm not on a health kick."Asked whether he was "freaked out" by being in such close contact with guys at the gym, Schwarzenegger said, "Men shouldn't feel like fags just because they want to have nice-looking bodies...Gay people are fighting the same kind of stereotyping that bodybuilders are: People have certain misconceptions about them just as they do about us. Well, I have absolutely no hang-ups about the fag business..."Other topics addressed by Schwarzenegger included:* His dad Gustav, who was later revealed to have been a Nazi Party member: "My father was the local police chief and he led a very regular life." * His early days training in Germany: "I was living in Munich at the time, hanging out with night people--entertainers, hookers, and bar owners--and I had a girlfriend who was a stripper. I was an innocent boy from a farm town, but I grew up fast in Munich."* Southern California hijinks: "Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold's--the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train--there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together." Asked by Manso if he was talking about a "gang bang," Schwarzenegger answered, "Yes, but not everybody, just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys. Not everybody can do that. Some think that they don't have a big-enough cock, so they can't get a hard-on. Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."
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# posted by derek : 8/28/2003 09:06:01 PM
so hows this for a break in my 6 hours of class today: so we get like 10 minutes between the two classes right, not the 15 cause the teachers are full of shit, but so anyway i go out to buy a coke, cause at this point, after 3 hours of boring ass talk i needs me some caffeine. so i put my dollar in and hit the coke button, the one on top, so theres no mistaking what it is right, and what comes out but a fucking diet coke. now i know im in the education building, and its primarily inhabitted by dumb sluts who think that diet coke will keep them from getting fat thighs as they get old or some shit, but when i hit the fucking coke button, i want a fucking coke! absolute fury!!! so that pretty much ruined my entire afternoon. i am already way behind on all my work. way behind. i plan on drinking heavily for the next two days, then beginning all the homework ive gotta do. teachers should love that. and really, why all the fucking reading journals teachers? what the fuck, is there anything more tedious or pointless than making me do an assload of reading and then making me type up pages and pages of shit on top of it all. just reading the shit is already asking a bit much of me.telemarketers that call at 9am should be shot in the face at close range. 3 by 10am is entirely too many. and some asshole calling me at 3am last night with a wrong number on my cell phone is also asking for bodily harm to come his way, especially when i hang up on him and he calls back. god help you if i ever find out who you are.carlo, dan told me to remind you that we are doing nothing for the next three days but sitting in the vortex drinking beer and watching football. and as for the franchise player, i believe the vortex cut the dead weight known as carlyle and designated the chelf as its franchise player. i spend like 80 percent of my time there these days. i think will is scared to come down there when im there as i wont speak to him. vocalizing anything takes too much effort. when there i feel like a slug, but minus the movement and trail of pus.i saw that pirates of the carribean movie last night. its pretty badass. depp is damn funny. i had more to say, but ive forgotten it by now. billy and danimal need to man up and drink real beer with real carbs, enough of this michelob ultra shit. women, thats what they are. fucking women. just admit it and drink fucking wine coolers why dont you. end this cherade. anyhow, im off to booze it up. i sees ya later.
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# posted by derek : 8/28/2003 08:59:05 PM
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
oh, and i nearly forgot. you must all go to greenwoods site and look at the bottom, link to the star wars kid site if you havent seen it already. that shit is priceless. comedy gold. hours of fun. anyhow, my stomach is planning a revolt. i must eat and quell it.
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# posted by derek : 8/27/2003 05:19:04 PM
ahoy! (ode to the michael ian black thing you will read about shortly)so, the movement is growing. chris greenwood now has a blogger. many of you have met chris. he like myself at first is probably known to you as 'that other kid'. this will change. his blogger is gaining momentum and will soon challenge the best of 'em. it is now linked to my blogger along with all of the other blogs of people i know. the tusk kid is on there as he knows rifenburg, and i have met him once myslef, and his blogger continually confuses the hell out of me, and i feel the need to share this confusion with the rest of you, if youd like of course, no pressure here. the tusk kids shit only shows up for like a week at a time though, and then disappears, leaving no trace of previos sketchness. good thinking there pal. i myself have no shame and will gladly share all previous sketchness with whoever is so inclined to scroll down that far. in other news, this whole schoolwork thing is overrated. i need a vacation. or beer.i have also included a lnk to mcsweeny's, an online literary publication started by dave eggers, who is a badass. there is some quality shit on there. i recommend the michael ian black piece. he is the dude from ed and from i love the 80's and whatnot. its quality. you should go there often. hmm. i guess thats about all for now. perhaps i will add more links in the future, since it makes my life easier; no more typing in long urls, just a simple click on my blogger page. but we shall see. also, for those of you (carlyle) who want to put up a thingie for comments, do like chris did and go here-http://www.enetation.co.uk/so there you have it. i must go eat now. im down to one meal a day lately, then a hot dog late at night. slowly wasting away. how sad. bon voyage.
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# posted by derek : 8/27/2003 05:13:36 PM
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
i must blog. trivia tonight. 2nd place. still returning to form. carlyle, i won a high life hat. i will sell it to you for 600 dollars. anything less is unacceptable. i feel i have nothing more to say. the high life hat is nice. i wore it home. i will go to sleep now. big day tomorrow. x box and book buying, or at least an attempt. that is all. farewell.
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# posted by derek : 8/26/2003 11:35:38 PM
Monday, August 25, 2003
carlson, you sack of crap, fix your fucking links, or the dresser doesnt move. also, stop your whining. we all do a bit of work occassionally. today ive written some dumb fucking intorductory letter, an essay that was utter horseshit, and read a 225 page book, all for class tomorrow, six hours of class in a row, same room, same seat, no breaks, with lunch hour smack dab in the middle. so blow me. i still manage to fit super keggers and college football into my schedule somehow, dont let the first day panic overwhelm you like so many whiny ass females in this education department at uga. instead, half ass the first 'were gonna scare them into working hard' week, and settle into a happy b+ to a- routine like normal. holy carlo, what have you become. perhaps you need some inspiration. clearly you have no one to model yourself after considering there isnt a chelf sitting in the vortex awaiting you when you get back from class. but have no fear. we'll take a picture and send it to you. you can take it to kinkos, blow it up, and frame it on your wall. that way whenever things look bleak, you can look up to it and remember the 'ah, fuck it, it'll get done' approach that got you this far, and head to the bar free from worries.as for me, i must go read some more now, so that i may drink heavily tomorrow night, preparing for my big day of nothing on wednesday.ah yes, dan stole my blogger template. his new shit color doesnt fool me. thief.and reilly's just a bitch. thats all there is too it. ha. bitch. thats you reilly. in addition, my roommates dont seem to like going sowntown much, unless its a special occassion. therefore you must come up and assist me in terrorizing innocent freshman downtown before school really kicks into gear. they are no match for the drunken debautchery we are capable of unleashing.that is all. boo.
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# posted by derek : 8/25/2003 11:53:54 PM
i have become chris carlson. i do nothing but sit in the vortex all day playing college football on the x box. i dont know what to make of this.three people asked me today how to add comment thingies to their blogger dealies. this pleases me, as now i will be able to rip on them where all their friends will see.it is late and i must go fold clothes now. plus my eye hurts.still a full keg. no good people. no good.
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# posted by derek : 8/25/2003 02:24:34 AM
Sunday, August 24, 2003
addressing 3 issues from dans most recent post.1. i think our high school guests performed quite admirably considering a) they were the first guests here, b) they did stay up quite late as i could still hear at like 4am, and c) they definitely made it up way earlier than you did sir, especially pam and erin who had to be back in the atl by like 9am.2. my people came to the party danimal, but did not stay. they have already been reprimanded for this.3. georgia over florida? laughable. we all know that georgia will never ever ever beat florida again. this is like predicting a healthy griffey in cincy, or a red sox world series. itll be a cold day in hell buddy.
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# posted by derek : 8/24/2003 12:10:42 AM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
another note. i am sore all over. dehydrated too. and my eyes hurt.and yes ill take some cheese with that whine. preferably swiss, or colby, cause that shits good too.
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# posted by derek : 8/23/2003 10:25:15 PM
so heres what happened:so we tapped the keg at like 730. me, tater, taters boy, danimal, the biller, and will. so we start drinking immediately, knowing full well that no one else (reilly excluded, who apparently infuriated doug, which carlson may enjoy hearing about) would be arriving til like 10 or later. needless to say, by 10 or so, we are feelin pretty damn good.at this point i will pause to say this; i will be omitting large chunks of the evening, and my friends for the most part suck. thats right. you people are quickly making my shit-list. as we planned for quite a few people, we got mulitiple kegs, which of course i informed everyone about. now some people i knew would not be drinking. this is fine. however, others of you fuckers choose to show up for like 3 minutes and leave (unacceptable) or not show up at all (in which case you will likely be killed in your sleep this week).so, i will add at this point that those people who stayed were by far the coolest people at the party, and basically the only ones pulling their weight as far as keg consumption goes, and are therefore on d's good side. however, if i find the fucker who dialed 911 (again, and fever-trash isnt even in the state this time!) i will shove our house phone straight up their ass. and if the cop shows up and gets snippy with me again i will have to be detained for attempting to pummel him with his own night stick.kenton will also be pummeled for dousing me with beer (party foul!) and therefore requiring that i retaliate in kind. the pinata lives to see another day, though dan and elizabeth did perform some lude act upon it, which is documented should either of them ever decide to run for public office. speaking of which, the 'chelf for president 2016' shirt made an appearance last night, and seemed to be somewhat well recieved. i do believe i was 'that asshole' by the end of last night, though reilly may have something to say about that one. it was certainly a heated contest.so, wrapping up here. there is still an entire keg left, thanks to those of you who wouldnt drink, and i think you know who you are. 911 calls are now a standard attraction at a 25 riverhill drive party. and if i forgot your name last night, i apologize. i was drunk and i am always bad with names. i am quite tired now, and will be sleeping before to long.ah, but one more bit of noteworthy news- dougs blogger will be back by 2am at the latest. he has given me his word. i expect great things, and you all should as well. if he fails to post by then we will start an email attack on his worthless ass, forwarding every shitty spam email we get for the next two weeks. ill keep you all informed. also, carlyles blogger is coming along nicely. and lastly but of course not leastly (my own creation, leastly) we shall all hope that poor miss rifenburgs blogger does not get shut down due to groundation (her creation, groundation; big fan of both words myself). and for now im done. more to come soon though, im sure of it.
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# posted by derek : 8/23/2003 10:23:39 PM
Thursday, August 21, 2003
alright, heres the deal carlo. since you have chosen a template thingie there that has a spot for links, you are obliged to add my blogger to your list of links. this must be done in three days or else...oh yes, or else i make no attempt to rid this house of that blasted dresser of yours and you get nothing back in the way of a security deposit check. ha! so get crackin there bitch. also, the phils do play in the 'city of brotherly love', so that in and of itself should be enough to prove that your thory holds water. but as long as thome keeps hitting homers for my fantasy team he can swing whichever way he pleases. the biller is awol this evening, which of course means mikas house. its a nice change, and thats all ill say about that. i spent like 7 hours or better playing football video games today, very productive. tomorrow i must go to class for nearly that long. i do not like this tradeoff. in fact it sucks. if only i had graduated, i could sit at home jobless and playing viseo games every day like the rest of my friends. oh well, soon enough, soon enough. well, if i aim to get up on time tomorrow, i must be retiring soon, and since im sick of you people anyway, good night, and adieu, at least for the next couple days, as super keggers and whatnot will be monopolizing all of my free time, and thus, no blog!
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# posted by derek : 8/21/2003 01:32:12 AM
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
so the carlo finally has a blogger. i simply do not know what to make of such news. quite frankly i think it troubles me. those views of the carlo should be kept under wraps, hidden in this new imitation vortex he seems to be building. but if they must be spewed out into cyberspace, i suppose i must include a link on this little blogger site o' mine.today has been another slow day. i have not left the house. in fact i have not left the vortex until now, whereupon i have decided to share absolutely no newsworhty items with those of you foolish enough to still be checking this dealie. much college football was played today on the old x box. i have led syracuse as near to the promised land as theyve been in quite some time. in fact coach c received an extension in just his second year on the job. not bad work if i do say so myself.rifenburg is trying to get me to do her homeowrk for her. unfortunately for her, the assignment just isnt all that exciting. wish it were, but alas.tomorrow i venture back to the atl for karys alleged party. i am a big doubter of this one. likely it will be like 6 men and some beer, in which case i will bow out early and go home to my bed, waiting only for my paycheck on friday, and the kegs that await that evening.will (carlsons replacement) is currently sweeping off the back porch, shirtless i might add. and while i certainly donot condone shirtlessness, this whole cleaning thing was never carlos forte, and thus i am just confused, and will turn back to dans giant, kick-ass flatscreen monitor. hmm, i think that about wraps it up for the moment here, so im gonna go, back to the vortex. it is where i belong.
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# posted by derek : 8/20/2003 07:24:20 PM
i could pull more beef than dan with my eyes closed. and they'd still be hot. but fair enough, the proof is in the pudding. but danimal, i do not see you bringing an abundance of beef by the house. and as for the biller, well, i dont think i need to comment there. sending the girlfriend on her way and popping open two beers. that speaks volumes. thats right biller, volumes.
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# posted by derek : 8/20/2003 01:35:40 AM
i am quite proud of my new posting on the other site. it is about stealing a puppy. it makes me happy.trivia tonight. all was well in the first half, then we really tanked it up in the second half. seriously, wheel of fotune, r-s-t-l-n-e. your fucking my whole world up there.tomorrow i call everyone about the super kegger. and for those of you doubters who think the 'super' is a bit brash at this pre-party stage, you can all go straight to hell.billy drank two more beers tonight. i dont know whats more alarming, billy drinking, or the fact that the red sox havent completely blown their shot at the playoffs yet.hmm, today was another slow one, so i suppose i will conclude. oh wait, i must not forget to mention that dans blogger is apparently showing some signs of life, but will remain in i.c.u. for the time being. its gotta be more than once in a blue moon there danimal.
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# posted by derek : 8/20/2003 01:29:39 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
dans new monitor is much better to blogger by. it is a badass monitor if ever ive seen one. flatscreen and all.school started for me today. with a hangover. no good. 6 hours of class in a row. way too much. and the first class was boring as shit. unacceptable.that bitch ass billy boyd took my parking spot today. if he does it again i firebomb his car. then pee on the ashes. a warning boyd.the story that sprung up on the other blogger site last night was quite depressing. my apologies. it may be erased. i will attempt a happier one soon.i am in the doghouse. at least til i get food. which will be now. mm, food.
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# posted by derek : 8/19/2003 07:24:54 PM
Monday, August 18, 2003
i will post on the other blogger site when this fucking screen is less fucking fuzzy, and does not hurt my head so.
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# posted by derek : 8/18/2003 12:52:37 AM
i finished harry potter today. i think i liked the last one better.billy was drinking a beer today, without anyone telling him he had to. i was so shocked i almost fell out of my seat.dans computer monitor is all blurry right now, i cannot tell what i am typing.school starts tomorrow; bummer.wal marts giant sandwiches for like 5 dollars are the greatest fucking things on earth. i am 2/3 done with one. thats two meals there folks. for 2/3 of five dollars, which is what, like 10/3 of a dollar, so 3 something. very solid.the haitian is now trying to weasel his way out of an athens trip. typical. i expect nothing less of old vag.i aim to download the following songs onto dans computer at some point over the coarse of this semster:1. that white stripes song they played all the time at the begining of the summer2. smooth operator, by big daddy kane3. that murder she wrote raggae song4. that switchfoot song5. that hot hot heat song6. some other shit that i cant remember right at the moment. but soon i will remember and dans computer will be better for it.i did not shower today. and i went out into public. smelling badly. hah! take that world.junior boxington is still an effective tool.i must return to wal mart soon, or not be able to restock the car. this is no good.harumph.i never did have to pay that parking ticket i got in like april. they either forgot or my appeal worked or they dont know who i am. whatever it is, it means the parking services building was spared a fire bombing campaign led by yours truly.ive forgotten anything else i may have had to say.waiting for the dj.
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# posted by derek : 8/18/2003 12:47:44 AM
Sunday, August 17, 2003
now introducing, the new fadoodle champion of d's car, derek chelf. thats right folks, i am now the new champion of said game. untouchable in fact. any and all challengers are welcome. bring it on.i slept til 130 today. it was great. now i must go shop for food, which will be less great.i now have a favorite spot on the county line.people who ignore posted traffic laws knowing full well that they are breaking the law just to save like 30 seconds should die many slow painful deaths.i really have no other shit to blogger.tell fuzzberry i said hello.more to come later.
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# posted by derek : 8/17/2003 02:21:23 PM
Friday, August 15, 2003
the collection of garden gnomes is up to 6. much credit to april and billy for getting me the first one. the creepier the better of course, and i am happy to say, there are several freaky looking mother fuckers in the collection. this pleases me. on to food now. hoorah!
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# posted by derek : 8/15/2003 03:34:42 PM
i am very hungry.
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# posted by derek : 8/15/2003 03:02:14 PM
now, what else do i have here.doug says hes gonna move to vegas and become a professional gambler. he will not be allowed to sleep on my couch when said venture fails.slattery and dan started talking about marriage at the bar last night; holy depressing.i got so fucked up tuesday i dont remember the last half of the evening. apparently, i was in rare form.a burger took a bite out of me yesterday.some chick tried to talk to me at the bar last night. i was so disoriented i couldnt speak to her for like a minute. then i tried to push her off on dan since it was his birthday. needless to say, she was talking to someone else within like two minutes. she got dan birthday shots though, so overall, the operation was a success.i have stalled in harry potter. but no class til tuesday, so perhaps ill get rolling again soon. much cleaning at the house though.i think im done for the moment here.i also think i will try to get a band to play at the super kegger. we shall see.10-4 good buddy. over and out.
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# posted by derek : 8/15/2003 03:01:08 PM
this is a shout out, to a happy burger and her friend jamey who will yell at me if i delay bloggering any longer.
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# posted by derek : 8/15/2003 02:52:27 PM
Monday, August 11, 2003
okay well now maybe ive got a little bit to say.the last week of work has been the shittiest week of work ever! thursday cant come soon enough. today i served tables for like an hour and a half. 42 bucks. beer money. very solid. but if 10:30 comes and i have to stop napping to panic because only one server is there and we open at 11, im gonna be super fucking pissed.hmm what else. oh yes, i have now given dan an entire month to post and gotten nothing in return, so im officially declaring his blogger dead, at 12:01am on monday the 11th of august 2003.i miss goatsby.tuesday is the carlos last hoorah in athens. i will drink much beer and be sick the next day. thursday is dans birthday. i will drink much beer and be sick the next day. the 22nd is the super kegger. i will drink much beer... you get the idea. welcome to d's school year once again.miss julip must die a long slow painful death. that bitch is infuriating.anyhow, not enough sleep lately, so bed for me now, and of course, work again at 9am.
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# posted by derek : 8/11/2003 12:08:37 AM
i have nothing to say
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# posted by derek : 8/11/2003 12:03:09 AM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
i hung out with a goat for a while today. i named him; the great goatsby, or just goatsby for short. goatsby and i were tight, until some other beotch came along with more food than i had, then goatsby found her more entertaining. slut.i also saw 2 fast 2 furious for a dollar. many cars were destroyed. fast and furious though.apparently i occasionally think kinkily. it is now my new favortie word.took some cosmo quizzes today. i am a 'sensible seductress' and 'play it safe sister'. just so you know.this blog will be short, as i must pull a double tomorrow and pops didnt get off the computer til 1am. no good there pops. like 15 days til the super kegger and the demise of the chelf due to alcohol poisoning. mark your calendars. should be something to see. sombrero and emazing tank top are preparing themselves already. i feel the need for bed now. the dude abides.
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# posted by derek : 8/7/2003 01:24:56 AM
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
im sorry blogger for neglecting you for days. it wont happen again. a least i am not as bad as dan, doug, and dipshit.i took a quiz to tell me what celebrity i am. all the celebrities were old and shit, but heres the results. i scored a 42, which puts me on the fringes. the results:>(35-42 points) > > You are GRACE KELLY OR CAESAR ROMERO You are a lover. >Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are >serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every >Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance >get confused with the real thing. > >(43-50 points) > > You are KATHERINE HEPBURN OR SPENCER TRACY You are >smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You >are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep >your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it >does happen. thats right. i am a lover. give me wine and flowers. call moms every sunday? how about like once every month or two just because i feel like i have to. anyhow, moving on.yes carlson standing up out of the sunroof with a miss katies bonnet on screaming "you cant catch me coppers" or whatever the hell he was saying was pretty funny. as was his attempt to convince martha over the phone that he was sober, the responsible dd. what a load. im pretty sure he had beer in hand. the lack of clean clothes reached almopst crisis level today. i am wearing jeans in the summer as a result. this is something i never do.this is something amazing.today i awoke with a gigantic grin on my face. much grinning all day.i am now entering my neal young phase, which will complement my current queens of the stone age phase.barberitos is the greatest place on earth. still.today at best buy i saw the definitive lionel ritchie collection. it will soon be calling my cd case home.the super kegger is gonna be the 22nd and 23rd. everyone is invited. simply email for directions.the cape is quite yellow. rhinestones go on tomorrow.i am being rushed, and will thus conclude on this note.domo arigato mr roboto.
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# posted by derek : 8/6/2003 12:54:21 AM
Saturday, August 02, 2003
i came; i saw; then i turned around and ran like hell cause what i saw scared the shit out of me.yes, i will write that out in poem form later. just for kicks.i resolve to get people to stop taking what i say the wrong way. i dont exactly know how this will be accomplished, but i will try.pops took too long on the computer this evening. i have to go to bed soon, and my blogger post will suffer as a result.so, due to the fact that heather cannot fucking read the request book correctly i now have to work a double next fucking thursday to get the monday afternoon off that i asked for like 3 weeks ago. fucking fury. i told squire dough boy that i loved him today. nuf said.know what kicks ass? fuzzy pink shorts. and purple and yellow shoes with pouches.this double shift tomorrow is not gonna be any fun at all.the bamboo fork is gone.i saw x2 last night. it was fucking badass i must say. better than spider man i do believe. dont tell carlson i said that though.and i promise you, that dude was on your right at the movies.leaping lizards, it past my bed time. night night.
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# posted by derek : 8/2/2003 01:50:07 AM
Thursday, July 31, 2003
so ive been informed i am weird. this i cannot deny. but your boy also has a blogger site at tusk.blogspot.com which i of course visited and he too seems a bit suspect. thats really all i ahev to say about that, except to add that tusk by fleetwood mack is one weird fucking song too, but it kicks much ass. everyone should go listen to it. it builds up to kicking much ass, starts a bit slow though. give it time. kind of like stairway to heaven and freebird in that respet. must let it build. anyway, too much about tusk. sayonara. (sp?)
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# posted by derek : 7/31/2003 02:15:11 AM
matt van house is going to become a monk, then a preist. wowsers. better man than i, says i. anyone wishing to ever hear from him again should email him, or email me if you didnt get his email, and i will email it to you. email. just wanted to put it in there one more time. moving on, some dude at the ihop gave me a big thumbs up tonight as i left. perhaps he was impressed by the company i keep. i sure am. amazed i can get such high caliber of people to hang out with me. i am forever grateful. i deserve a big thumbs up if i do say so myself. and you deserve one too, dear ihop companion, for making me happy this rainy eve.so is my grammar really bad on this here blogger? cause i think it is. i know it is at work, but thats by design. well, plus i get like 20 iq points dumber as soon as i step into that god-forsaken hole. hmm. just wonderin.i am quite uninspired lately as far as the whole writing thing goes. but i assure you, more will be posted soon on the shortbus.i feel tired, i suppose i should sleep soon. we shall see.sitting on the plane on the fucking runway in denver for like an hour and forty-five minutes fucking blows. it is no fun at all. i do not recommend it. never did see a casino in reno. oh well, maybe next time, dont have money to piss away anyhow. bills you know.anyhow, away i go. hasta luego.
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# posted by derek : 7/31/2003 01:51:09 AM
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
ive given doug over a month, and am therefore pulling my endorsement of his blogger site. your through doug. no excuses. dan is next. get to posting fucker. i leave reno at like 11am tomorrow, and havent been to the casinos at all. anyway, moving on, the term 'family vacation' should be an oxymoron, as i cannot deal with the family for this long at once. i am up to page 250 in hqarry potter, by the time i arrive at hartsfield tomorrow, i plan to be looking at somewhere near 500, you shall know how this goes. anyhow, not in a real blogger mood right now, so i am gonna go.
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# posted by derek : 7/30/2003 02:46:02 AM
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
dont mind me, im an idiot.
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# posted by derek : 7/29/2003 04:40:07 PM
i am now 22 years and 2 months old. this does not sit well with me.
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# posted by derek : 7/29/2003 03:16:13 AM
a backup plan huh? hmm. apparently i have a backup myself. which leads me to this point. theres a reason backups never fucking play, and its this- they fucking suck. just that simple. im quite happy with my first stringer. backups aint seeing the field. speaking of which, id better never see darren bragg start over andruw jones ever again. weak braves, very weak. im gonna go be sick now.
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# posted by derek : 7/29/2003 02:20:11 AM
Monday, July 28, 2003
today i was attacked by a swarm of killer flying ants, in the middle of the desert, in the middle of nowhere, nevada. thats right, killer flying ants. it sucked. i will have nightmares about them. them i went to visit the cousins i havent seen in like 10 plus years. in fact, the last time i saw them, if i do recall, we convinced the oldest one to tell on herself, specifically to tell her mom and dad that she was annoying the shit out of us. she did it and of course got in big trouble and we didnt have to deal with her again for a while. now they are like 18 and 16 and its pretty damn wierd. but i guess thats all ive got for now. bed for me. see ya.
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# posted by derek : 7/28/2003 01:42:25 AM
Sunday, July 27, 2003
i will get you a cape.and also, for those of you not wanting capes; i rode a horse today. his name was henry. i called him hank. he got me. which is good.hmm, what else. in reno and all, yet to go to the casinos. i assure you though, i will get there. im sure doug cannot fathom this, two days in reno and no casinos yet, but whatever. lance armstrong is very good.troy bell, thats my rookie of the year pick. not because i think hes really good or anything, but his name just popped into my head, so im gonna go with it. ill have to look and see what team hes gonna be on.i saw keen eddie the other day again, and yes, sienna miller remains the number one on my list by a wide margin. wide. anyhow, this whole staying up for like 2 days cause youve gotta leave for the airport at like 5am sucks, and so im gonna go to bed. oh yes, i have begun harry potter. that is all. tell the pod i am very sorry. i cried also. parting is such sweet sorrow, but without the sweetness. sheiser!
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# posted by derek : 7/27/2003 02:02:22 AM
Thursday, July 24, 2003
perhaps i will continue posting. just not right this minute. later though. i promise.
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# posted by derek : 7/24/2003 06:14:53 PM
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
since my blogger posts suck so much i will simply stop posting at all, just like all my friends seem to have done. doug is just one bog tease with this 'im back' bullshit, and dan simply cannot cram a blog post into his busy schedule (college football on ps2), and well, my brother may have died, who knows really.anyhow, moving on, i wish i really could fucking fire people at work. id have no staff left.also, my pineapple haiku may be the most inspired piece of poetry since the forgiveness poem senior year of high school.i will be going now. cheery-o.
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# posted by derek : 7/23/2003 12:23:40 AM
Monday, July 21, 2003
so i watched that show 'the restaurant' tonight and ive gotta say, its pretty fucking entertaining for me to watch disatrous shit happen in someone elses restaurant. thats usually me yelling obscenities at the cooks. it feels like i have tomorrow off, but i dont. this is no good.my cook today doubted me when i told him al green was my hero. he told me i 'dont know nothin about al'. little does he know.work sucks.cops suck.philly cheesesteaks fucking rule.since i am quite tired i shall now retire to my chambers.oh, and carlson, i have not accepted your trade yet for two reasons. one; to infuriate you, and two; i am awaiting word on other proposals.blah.
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# posted by derek : 7/21/2003 12:47:10 AM
ive decided no one reads this shit
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# posted by derek : 7/21/2003 12:31:19 AM
Saturday, July 19, 2003
i have now posted on the shortbus, a short little work of fiction composed entirely while sitting in front of this here blogger screen (well not the one you are looking at but 'this here' as i am typing right now, sorry to confuse you). so there you go. it has begun. as of 1:30am on a saturday morning. i hear elisabeth tanis gets married today; ee-gads. this is no good. i mean, congrats and all, but youre fucking making me feel old. i am surviving entirely on a fast food diet lately, which is no good. well that and pain relievers, cause my fucking arm is all fucked up due to work. bastards. but i get a week off in like 5 days, to go to reno and all, where i will win millions playing roulette, and drink much booze. i will of course let you know how that goes. but dont expect posts that week, as i will be elsewhere, physically and mentally (drunk and all). work 12 hours tomorrow. no good. people get fired soon. i quit soon. restaurant falls apart soon. in that order. i go to bed now, then fall asleep, in that order. goodnight moon.
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# posted by derek : 7/19/2003 01:47:26 AM
Friday, July 18, 2003
d's shortbus is now a reality. jump on at any time. email me to gain access. also, you must check out the following link to this book. i laughed for hours, but then again, i tend to do that.http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0972763600/qid=1058504888/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/104-0590537-3907153i think that may be all for now. d must go sleepy now.
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# posted by derek : 7/18/2003 02:06:10 AM
well people, ive now added a spot for comments. i expect comments. they may range in scope from amusement (theresa's emails to me) to outright fury (darci's emails to me). but dammit, i expect fucking comments. or at least leave info on how you may be contacted so that everyone can enjoy knowing where you are and whatnot. look, i bet right below this is a little yellow "comment" link. i like it. arrow down.
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# posted by derek : 7/18/2003 01:36:31 AM
Thursday, July 17, 2003
someone must come with me on august 29th to see the following concert at lakewood: N.E.R.D, O.A.R., the roots and talib kweli, cause every one of those groups and artists kicks ass if you ask me, and you so obviously are. so that is that. oh, and its only 10 bucks. so get with it, and call me or something. that is all.
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# posted by derek : 7/17/2003 07:16:04 PM
my man rickey finally has a team again. thats right folks. never-say-die rickey henderson, at 44 years old, is now your newest la dodger. im going to pick him up just on principle.so i heard from the haitian today. good news. hes "getting ass" again, and also says he may be headed to athens in august, which means we go kill frat boys and drink heavily, or at least i drink heavily and he turns into the good old vag we once knew. my boy brandon phillips got demoted. hmm. too bad.ive got tomorrow off, thats nice. i will sleep all day. im gonna go now. bye.
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# posted by derek : 7/17/2003 06:53:43 PM
tomorrow night i will be advertising my new group on late night television. maybe mid-day television as well. during elimidate i suppose. right there with the devry commercials. thats right folks, the mosquito mushers task force (or mmtf for short) is looking for members. its gone on long enough; the unchallenged reign of that pesky pricker, that blasted blood sucker, that winged welt inducing wasp wannabe; and quite frankly im not gonna stand for it any longer. so im rounding up qualified individuals, those like me who have had enough, and we shall dedicate our lives (or at least portions of our outdoor evenings) to mashing the everloving shit out of any mosquito brave enough to venture into our range. the mmtf will not be intimidated by vampiric beings!anyhow, moving on, miss rifenburg, i do believe said gentleman was on your right this evening, but what do i know.this nine to five gig this week is very solid, though the getting up at nine part is a bit tough, especially when i am up typing on the blogger until like two every night. you people should leave me alone. skedaddle is a funny word. ive had cops hassle me twice in three days, both times of the lilburn variety. apparently there aint shit to do in lilburn except hassle young dekalb county youth. trying to run me out of gwinnett apparently. never! thats two exclamation points so far this blogger entry, not half bad if i do say so myslef, and i do. my bed is calling, and it only calls twice, then goes off to find a second option, kind of like unsaid someone and old quick draw mcgraw, so id best hurry off to appease my bed, 'fore somebody else jumps in it. a dingo ate my baby.your like a big bear man.cause im a smooth operator.oh, and i might add metallica to the most overrated list soon, just because i think im sick of hearing about them. and lars is a bitch. the big daddy kane quote pleases me. you figure it out.
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# posted by derek : 7/17/2003 01:50:47 AM
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
and another thing, how come no one at work can spell schedule. what the fuck. what the hell is a skedual? seriosly kids, didnt you ever have to take spelling and shit in elementary school, or was gwinnett county busy teaching foreign language and shit? just wondering.
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# posted by derek : 7/16/2003 12:09:55 AM
i really thought i could make it to bed by midnight tonight. doesnt look like thats gonna happen. it pleases me that this blogger phenomenon is spreading to many of the people i know. it is unfortunate however that some of the people i know probably convince themselves they dont have time to ramble on like i myself do. please people, you have to work things like this into your schedule. they are very important. i have to work at 9am tomorrow. this is no fun. getting off at 5 is nice though. marshmellow cream! sorry about that. the other day i used the word printo, as in like typo but with a printer. im pretty sure im the first person to use that word. i think im gonna have to quit my job soon. it fails to be entertaining any more, now its just one huge pain in my ass. plus it just stresses me out and makes me mad, which means its time to move on. and school starts soon; and i most certainly need a break in between things that stress me out and make me mad, so there you have it. quitting soon.i think im done for the day here. im blogged out. peace. (reaching now for new ways to say goodbye)
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# posted by derek : 7/16/2003 12:07:18 AM
Monday, July 14, 2003
okay, well i appreciate the effort, young miss rifenburg, but the following people i could definitely do; marissa, gina, and either amy, and sugar pie wouldnt be too tough. plus i think if i really tried i could also do erin (who i could catch on the rebound) and laci, though since laci only digs black dudes, that might be tough. but seriously, ive got a lot of soul in me, and ive spent countless hours watching BET, so surely that counts for something. anyhow, now i must work, redoing heather's fucked up fucking schedule. horseshit!
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# posted by derek : 7/14/2003 01:29:10 AM
beware those of you who may be passengers in the front seat of my car. beware.
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# posted by derek : 7/14/2003 01:20:19 AM
Saturday, July 12, 2003
big fan of the duck story.doug needs to post something. as does the moron.bebendum.
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# posted by derek : 7/12/2003 01:26:00 AM
i challenge you, miss katie rifenburg, to name more than 3 people at miss katies i cannot do. and this of course does not count anyone over the age of 35, as that is gross, and irrelevant as they are married and such. though even including that crowd, im not so sure you could name 6. moving on. i came home from work today and slept for four hours. it was fucking incredible. the fantasy baseball team is charging up the rankings. i have now passed carlson and doug to move into sixth place. i will be in first by the all star break, i am sure of it. to-day is gonna be the day that im gonna throw it back to you.i think im gonna go back to bed now.
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# posted by derek : 7/12/2003 01:23:30 AM
Friday, July 11, 2003
ok, so i cannot even explain how damned excited i am now that i go to the old arista.com site, like i do like 3 times a week, and now, finally, they have links to 2 new outkast songs, both dre's, which might even make it more exciting for me. 'she lives in my lap' is fucking fantastic if you ask me. listening to it as we speak. very solid. really, im wide awake now, i got so excited there for a while. gotta work at 9 in the am, and it is now, almost 2. should be in solid shape come morning. but fuck it i say. gonna go try to calm down for a while now. the fear of a black hat dvd is as good as i had hoped. and of course the dave chappelle 'killing them softly' dvd finally came out and also makes me very happy, as does the new zeppelin live shit dvds. anyhow. gonna go now. bye bye.
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# posted by derek : 7/11/2003 01:47:23 AM
i encourage all to look on rifenburg's blogger, whther you know her or not, just to see how excited she is about marshmellow cream. marshmellow cream! anyhow, my lakers will be stacked next year and will quickly turn into the blazers. too much talent to keep happy. my rookie of the year pick for the nba will be coming within the next couple of days. also, its a tomato, not an apple. fucking retards, apples do not look that way, and yes, tomatos do have leaves. fungofandanglefat- its a word from 'the basement baseball club' that just popped into my head. and with that i go.
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# posted by derek : 7/11/2003 01:28:14 AM
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
i think im getting the silent treatment. i do not like the silent treatment. it works too well on me.
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# posted by derek : 7/8/2003 01:01:45 AM
blast; work blows. i am quite tired and this darned girl will not quit telling me she hates me. quite frankly, it brings a tear to my eye. dough boy has made his final appearance at miss katies. he didnt command near the respect lord pork chop did. feaar of a black hat comes out on dvd tomorrow. i will buy it and show you all. its a classic. for now, i will be retiring to somewhere other than this damned computer, as it is hurting my little eyes. the ones that were tearing up a minute ago. and for old times sake we shall end by saying- grand funk rocks; cause they do.
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# posted by derek : 7/8/2003 12:52:11 AM
Monday, July 07, 2003
i am sorry
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# posted by derek : 7/7/2003 02:30:14 PM
Sunday, July 06, 2003
GUESS WHO THIS ISS!!! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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# posted by derek : 7/6/2003 01:48:35 AM
Thursday, July 03, 2003
kentons blogger does not respect the enter key. you cannot space your thoughts two lines apart, and for that i will destroy it.
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# posted by derek : 7/3/2003 12:46:30 AM
my blogger is colorful. how happy.
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# posted by derek : 7/3/2003 12:45:39 AM
DOUGS BLOGGER ISNT DEAD!!! DOUGS BLOGGER ISNT DEAD!!!sorry, but that was really exciting for me. anyhow, today was my day off this week, and for the next four days i work til i drop, then get up and work til i drop, and then get up... well i think you get it by now. so today i go to athens, where i stumble upon a pretty sad sight. the wes and the dawson, both with no jobs, both smoking and drinking, and both sitting there by themselves watching a chick flick. i shit you not friends. so of course i sat down and watched it too. i ate at barberitos today, which makes me happy.this is an article about doug, which of course doug sent to me.http://www.charleston.net/stories/062803/bur_28burger.shtmli have now linked all of the bloggers i know to my site. not for your convenience of course, but for mine.i have the biggest bruise on earth on my left shoulder and it is katie rifenburgs fault.i will start reading these before i post them so that they are actually understandable. typos must go. but those already posted, sorry, youre just gonna have to decipher those. too much work to fix.this is me putting all of my thoughts into one post instead of eight.so you know what i hate? mother fuckers who dont use turn signals, ever. they should die. while i sit there trying to get out of some fucking parking lot, and here they are slowing down to turn, but of course im not sure theyre gonna turn cause theyve got no blinker, and fuck atlanta, cause people do so much stupid shit on the road that i dont dare go cause then theyll probably speed up for no other reason than to hit me and ill be fucked. fury on those who dont use blinkers. if you are one of thse epeople, we can no longer be friends. whew. al in one breath there. felt good. maybe ill do it again soon.
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# posted by derek : 7/3/2003 12:34:14 AM
Sunday, June 29, 2003
so i says to myself, i says, 'd, you havent typed on the blogger for days, ya lazy fuck, so you best do some typing.' and then i syas back to myself, 'dude, i been workin all weekend, and lotsa hours too.' and my poor self didnt know what to say to all that. but type i did. and i spun a lovely little yarn about...alright. sorry. i even annoyed myself with that whole thing there. but for real though, i feel the need to type. my fantasy baseball team is now into eighth place. hell is entering the winter season. deep freeze expected soon. also, this coming week will be the worst week of my lat year, as it is once again the fourth of july at stone mountain park. i am scheduled for over 70 hours, thats right 70, and thus i will be disappearing off the face of this earth outside of miss katies for the entire week. might just bring my cot and sleeping bag to work with me. moving on; why do the hawks insist on drafting white boys from shitty schools. and a frenchman?! seriously hawks, i am a patient man, but frenchman and white boys from byu with bleech blond hair? cmon boys, get it together. that sophocles kid (however he spells it, ive seen it different ways) will be a badass, mark my words.anyhow, thats all for now. must sleep one of these days. and i think today is that day.yah yah. yah. me go sleep now (in caveman voice)
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# posted by derek : 6/29/2003 11:54:51 PM
Thursday, June 26, 2003
so perhaps you'll notice that its fucking 11:30 am and i am awake and typing. this is not a good thing people, and let me tell you why. 1) its my fucking day off; i should be sleeping til like 4pm 2) ive been up since 7:15 because of some fucking meeting for work- on my fucking day off! fury, fury, and more fury! this is why i need a 9-5 fucking job. one where i dont have to listen to people bitch at me all day every day. the last two nights ive worked, i havent left that fucking restaraunt before 11:15. we close at 9. 9! but i did get pretty drunk a couple of nights ago, so that was fun. the rumors at work are still a'flyin, and i continue to get lectures from heather the boss about "dating people from work never ends well" and "im just glad im not you" which are completely unwarranted, but its got me thinkin- if everyone is already giving me shit about fucking people from work, and i keep getting lectured for it, why dont i just go ahead and do one of the girls from work, and at least earn all the shit im getting. anyhow, just a thought. i saw the new "laser show spectacular" at the park the other night. not so spectacular if you ask me. it desperately needs a little axel f (the beverly hills cop song). dan- i will be stealing your harry potter book soon, just so you know. the hair is getting bigger. my patience is getting smaller and smaller. the rest remains the same. d- over and out.
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# posted by derek : 6/26/2003 11:53:14 AM
Friday, June 20, 2003
back bitch. in a better mood indeed. work still pretty much blows though. but hey, fuck it. this song 'see for miles' by cherrywine that im listening to now is very solid. fury that now i have to wait for fucking august for my outkast album. and its not even one album but two seperate ones instead. no good boys. get it togfether. it better be the best shit ive ever heard. but at least fear of a black hat dvd comes out in like 2 weeks. i got an unneeded lecture from the boss at work today about dating people from work. this from the boss who is all up on the other boss's dick all the time. rumors are flying everywhere about me, and to a point (the point where the boss lectures me) its kind of fun. anyhow, we will keep this post rather shiort, and end by simply stating that after watching mark prior step up to barry bonds and kyle farnsworth beat paul wilsons ass, the cubs are now my fourth favorite baseball team. that fucking fight today was great, especially since one of carlo's reds got his fucking ass kicked. not quite as enjoyable as nolan/ventura, but god do i love watching pitchers kick ass, even if paul wilson is another bitch ass pitcher. anyhow, bed now. adios.
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# posted by derek : 6/20/2003 01:30:32 AM
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
i think today i have been in the worst mood that i have been in in a long ass time (i tried to make that sentence as confusing as possible). the fucking fury can hardly be contained lately at work, and mark my words, if shit continues the way its been going, that bitch heather will feel the wrath of all d's built up fury before the week is out. serriously thinking about gaddamn quitting if they fucking keep up with this "you cant handle your job" bullshit. well then fire me you pussy ass bitches. dont come into the goddamn kitchen and pull this "are you managing these servers or are they managing you" shit. FUCKING FURY! anyhow, i will now attempt to calm down. this girl gave me the sickness. scarlet fever i think. rash plus sore throat equals no good. she thinks its hilarious though. figures.for my birthday i got two new garden gnomes which i forgot to mention. their names are tyrone and neville chamberlain.i have decided that between myself and my boy tater, we could easily do any and every girl at work, including the boss. we will not of course, but still, point made. i have not seen that keen eddie show since the first episode, but i must say, absense only makes the heart grow fonder, and i will indeed be marrying the female star of said show. yes, sienna miller, thats her name, had to look it up on my blogger thingie there. she has indeed skyrocketed to number one on the list.i am now down to roughly 170 pounds and if things continue as they have i will weigh about 60 pounds by halloween. i will keep you all posted.so, to sum up; work sucks, i have the plague, and i am well on the way to anorexic. thatll about do it. perhaps i shall post again in a less shitty mood soon. we shall see. but dont count on it.
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# posted by derek : 6/18/2003 12:15:28 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
and for the record, my "no game havin ass" is doing just fine thanks.
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# posted by derek : 6/10/2003 11:53:07 PM
overly qualified?
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# posted by derek : 6/10/2003 11:52:11 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
ok first of all sosa is a stupid fuck and second henderson is playing for a minor league team so good luck getting him back after hes 50 fucking years old. and as far as the list goes you need real people that you with your no game havin ass can get. And to finish the list of shit off the carlo got hired for the love of fucking god didnt you need cooks since im overly qualified for that fucking job the carlo cummon. thats fucking weak. but i know the whole brother working together thing. but yeah that is all so ok im out
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# posted by kenton : 6/5/2003 01:04:22 AM
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
well, due to omissions and new developments, the list is going to have to be expanded. sorry, but im just not able to drop anyone right now, so its gonna get pushed up to eight. first, i dont know how it happened, but somehow susan ward got left off the list and we all know that she will be one of my many wives. second, i saw a picture of jessica simpson somewhere and shes just too hot to exclude, so she on the list too. and third, and this is the most exciting addition, i have now added another to my list of future wives. her name is sienna miller and she is on that new show keen eddie on fox, and i also saw her on conan tonight, and bottom line here is that shes just going to have to marry me in the next week or i dont know what i will be forced to do. in other notes; sammy sosa- hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, you stupid fucking sack of dog shit. how happy am i that you were found with a corked bat. hopefully you suffer the same fate as the likes of albert belle, chris sabo, and wilton guerrero and other bat corkers and fall completely off the face of the planet. i hope your right field spot is taken over by rickey henderson, one of baseballs ageless wonders (along with jesse orosco, galaraga, old man julio, and guido john franco). anyhow, work has pretty much taken the tirade out of me, so expect little for the remainder of the summer. though i should add that now that carlson is officially my subordinate, anyhting could happen, and of course i will be keeping all 2 of my readers informed should anything go down.to close, the new zeppelin live cds are fucking badass and i highly recommend them. that is all, and to all a good night.
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# posted by derek : 6/4/2003 01:36:25 AM
Sunday, June 01, 2003
"here i go again on my own", or something like that as i update the blogger for the first time in way too long. started to take on the look of dougs forever unupdated blogger site there. but now i update. got lectured by the bartender on my b-day, and cut off by his fucking pal bartender #2. first time ive ever been cut off, but it was 2 anyway so the fucking bar was pretty much done serving, so there you fucking dick bartender. all because i pulled the old standard chelf shoot and toss, after all it was a plastic disposable shot glass, so i tossed it and it just happened to hit the barkeep in the leg or foot or something thus pormpting his furious response. fuck him. lets see, what else. entirely too much work lately, and thats really all i wants to say about that, other than fuck stone mountain park and their god-awful organization. way too many fucking bosses in that place for me to have to answer to. as dan has listed his top 5 i will attempt to make some sort of similar list, but in no paticular order, at least not yet. here goes...jaime pressly- cause shes really slutty looking and i want to do her.jessica biel- my future wifekrista allen- the dark haired chick from anger managment, cause good god she was hot in that moviebrooke burke- cause shes really fucking hot toothat chick from that shitty good morning miami show on nbc- if jessica biel shoots me down i'll marry her insteadwell thats my five. criticize all you like, but i keep them all
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# posted by derek : 6/1/2003 02:43:08 PM
Monday, May 12, 2003
big clipse fan too by the way. and the neptunes are just badass. also your boy roscoe p coldchain is a stud. solid flow. the album needs to come out so i can download it. seriously, bed. well, clothes folding first i guess, but then bed.
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# posted by derek : 5/12/2003 03:37:32 AM
i like opening like 40 different programs and windows and shit on dans computer at once so that theres all these little fucking dealies on the toolbar and it takes forever to find the right window when you are looking for something. its fun for me.
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# posted by derek : 5/12/2003 03:34:45 AM
so heres the news. we're done now with four fucking years of college. this is no good at all. we finished the year in a pretty solid academic fashion (still hoping however that my hot teacher really does want to do me and will give me a b in speech. and i do mean give, cause my grades just werent good at all in that class. but my speaking style was engaging at the very least. preparation and care-factor, however were clearly lacking). on the other hand, we finished the year in one hell of an o-fer slump on the romantic front. forgive me if i speak in military terms; just finished watching the band of brothers dvd set of the danimals. its fucking good. dont think i could do it. moving on. big fan of audioslave this week. the song 'getaway car' is badass. kind of slow, but fucking solid. fits the mood here at 2:30 in the a.m. much partying lately. my stomach seems to be truly fucked up as a result. either that or the wild wing tonight for trivia night. greatest trivia team ever assembled tonight. were one point short of the perfect game through half. faded a bit in the third quarter, but onward to victory. though i didnt make it that far. said stomach forced the d home from the action early. seriously, if you havent looked at the link below yet, do it. its priceless. so, yesterday... so its graduation day of course. and of course i aint graduating, but carlo and wes and dawson are, so much partying will take place. so first to wes's brothers house, where its kind of odd that im the only non-graduate/non-relative, so its obvious that im just there for the free food and beer. but whatever, the family is nice and all, so things went well. (a sidenote; just finished a triple decker pbj samndwich. the extra slice of bread in between the peanut butter and jelly elements has revolutionized the late night snack for me) so we leave wes's brothers house, home for a minute or 30, then off to the carlo's cousins house i think, where like all of carlsons family is at. we're talking like mom and dad, siblings, then the cousin and her parents and siblings, and of course some of her friends, a couple of whom i'd probably do, but thats beside the point. so heres what happened. since carlo gives us this bullshit story of "weve got a problem since my mom gets kind of anal if i drive and even drink like two beers, and then try to drive somewhere else." so wes offers to drive, but its gotta be somebody else's car, cause his truck cant fit four of us. the carlo: "well my dad gets pretty anal if anybody else drives my car". so all eyes turn to me. i try the standard "dude ive got that big box in the backseat", but that didnt fly, so i get stuck driving. whatever right. ill have a couple, then maybe well take a cab somewhere, figure that shit out later. well as soon as we walk through the front door of the cousins house carlyle's moms pulls the "whos the dd" bullshite, and is offering me cokes ten minutes later. very nice and all, but fuck that shit, i want to get drunk damnit. so wes starts sneaking me beer, til finally im just like, 'fuck this shit, im gonna go into the kitchen and just start pounding a couple and shootin the shit with whoever is around'. which i do. so anyhow, to get to the point, after a couple beers and the parents all departing, me wes and dawson find ourselves in the living room looking at scores on the tv, in a room full of girls. so wes starts with the "dude, whatve you got to lose, you should just go sit down in the middle of them and start asking weird questions and shit", or something to that effect. which i dont really dig. so then he says i should get up on the table and ask some ridiculous shit. then he offers ten bucks and says "you wont do it", which of course is like calling marty mcfly 'yellow', so then i say "youll give me ten dollars?" to which he replies "twenty", so im like "twenty!?", and then he says "fifty". so now i tell him, dude, show me the bill. he whips out a hundred, and again pulls the "you wont do it". so here goes d, not that drunk mind you, hopping up onto the table, calling for quiet, and following up with "i just got one little question. its an easy one," then in the mocking dawson voice, "who wants the penis?" needless to say, the faces of these girls were priceless, and me still straight-faced at this point. one girl confused asked "the pink?", so for her i clarified, and recieved just a very confused face in return. so of course i say "fuck it i wasnt gonna show it to you anyhow", and hop down off the table. dawson and wes are fucking cracking up; dawson i belive actually had to sit down on the floor. and then like two minutes later these gils have candles upside down like they're penises and theyre doing all kinds of shit with them. so overall the experiment worked well. carlo unfortunately missed it, and was horrified when told about it, fearing that i had whipped it out for his family, and thus represented him poorly. this from the kid who admitted to peeing on the table at taco mac and doing so purposely. but anyhow, moving on. we go downtown, ad this we dont even need to discuss except to say that we ended up at the annex, and that no night involving the annex has ever ended well. carlo of course killed any game i had going as he failed to recognize that he needed to fucking LEAVE, and so d of course went home with just dawson and the carlyle, rather furious. but i do believe a good time was had by all, and i was in bed by 4am, which is good compared to most nights lately. my sleep was ruined by the wesser at like 11:20 this morning though when he bursts into my room saying "who wants to see the wesser". i feel my "not me" response may have been a bit harsh, but 'cmon dude' (think the dawson voice again) it was not even noon yet (i almost just spelled noon 'nune', which is pretty sad). by the way wesley, your golf bag cooler thingie is over here and you should come pick it up.tomorrow i finger paint. and see if i can get more than 3 bucks for my speech book. i bet not. at this point i will mention d's 22nd birthday bash, which will consist of three drunken nights in athens, beginning on the 29th, thursday, and continuing on through the weekend. you shall all be there, by decree of king derek the first, ruler of the house of the gigantor arachnid. if its just me dinking by myself in the basement so be it, but thats pretty damn sad, so. friends dont let friends drink alone i hear. the lakers hat remains undefeated. had to bust it out and dust it off today. got worried for a minute there when they were down like 10 or 12. but all is well, and the lakers will roll on through the spurs and then right through the webberless kings, or the shitty white boy heavy mavs. anyhow. its late. gonna go fold clothes since they are on my bed. then sleep maybe. who knows. but tomorrow i fingerpaint. d. done.
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# posted by derek : 5/12/2003 03:26:47 AM
Friday, May 09, 2003
you must look at this link. fucking classic. i hope the link works.http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030509/ap_on_fe_st/britain_monkey_authors_3the findings are fascinating. really. i want this job.
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# posted by derek : 5/9/2003 03:11:14 PM
they say the first step is admitting that you have a problem. so here goes. my name is derek, and im a slackaholic. its true. i have a physical inability to study, and a dependancy on last minute scrambling to get things done. take for example this fucking speech final. ive heard the test is very hard, and i know that it is required that for my final speech i memorize the speech exactly and give it verbatim. but instead of studying or even looking at the speech i should be memorizing, i am here writing on this old blogger and kicking around fantasy baseball stats post mike piazza trade (piazza for russ ortiz and chad moeller- i win on that one since piazza's a has been piece of shit-dead weight on my old team). anyhow, i now plan to go do something equally distracting. you bore me blogger.
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# posted by derek : 5/9/2003 01:15:17 AM
Thursday, May 08, 2003
friday finals suck. gotta write a speech now. no good. in fact, bad. very bad.
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# posted by derek : 5/8/2003 10:28:10 PM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
so carlo just bet me a dollar as to whether or not pat burrell will hit 40 homers this year. just wanted to put it in writing. carlo doesnt honor verbal contracts.
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# posted by derek : 5/7/2003 12:58:38 AM
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
there will be no more drinking for d until at least friday night. holy miserable this morning trying to finish my take home final with a killer hangover. why do i do this to myself? i feel like freshman year again lately. the mavericks showed us just how miserable they are tonight. giving up 98 points through 3 quarters? thats just awful. sure dirk can score 30 a night, but hes a fucking turnstyle on d. else; only one final left, in speech, on friday, after that its not unethical to do the teacher right? certainly aint got any other prospects. vh1 needs to stop showing that i love the 80s shit, ive seen it entirely too many times, and of course carlson will watch the same reruns of it for hours, meaning i either have to put up with it or move off the couch, both options being very unappealing. tomorrow i go back to ramsey, probably shoot 20% or so, we shall see. chappelle show being done for the season is no good. exempting ethnic american lit with 99 average very good. so i see today that carmelo also has a may 29 birthday, maybe thats why hes such a cool bastard. detroit beats philly, very nice, ben wallace is a badass. ive really got nothin today, guess ill go read a book or something. d be out. yeah yeah.
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# posted by derek : 5/6/2003 11:46:19 PM
Monday, May 05, 2003
your team of white guys sucks, thats why they will be swept clear out of the next round by the kings, who will then be dominated by the lakers.in other news, i just cut and pasted my way to the completion of a ten page paper. then i added a table of contents and a cover page to spice it up. its a beautiful thing. hopefully pretty enough for an a. that is all, drinking comes next.
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# posted by derek : 5/5/2003 07:02:50 PM
Finally a NBA team with some white guys is winning. Jesus it took long enough. Nash is the next John Stockton. Yeah beer is great and well that is all -K-
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# posted by kenton : 5/5/2003 05:51:17 AM
Sunday, May 04, 2003
man i fucking hate writing papers.
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# posted by derek : 5/4/2003 08:53:01 PM
Thursday, May 01, 2003
first, no, i do not need a dog. second, i assure you that i am not nor ever will be the holder of any worlds record for longest sexual draught. i believe the carlo holds that anyway. third, you seem, my man, to be laying the blame of your troubles on college and booze, but a do recall a certain sober high school someone or other who also cheated on one previous girlfriend with current grief-causer. so that said...moving on- in an arena where the carlo cannot cut me short with screaming nonsense. this larry eustachy deal; you know, the iowa state coach whos about to get fired cause he went to a party. now, granted this party was at the university of missouri where your boys team had just lost and all, which is bad policy sure, but really. the mother fucker shouldnt be fired because some one has a picture of him with a beer in his hand, and a picture of him kissing someone on the cheek. the cheek! thats it, thats whats gonna get him fired. so now he admits that hes an alcoholic, so fucking what. big deal. as long as he doesnt show up to coach blitzed out of his fucking head, so what? i fail to see the big issue here. 'highest paid public official in iowa', blah, blah, blah. what the hell does that have to do with anything. old pal gets paid to win basketball games, right? fuck this issue of image; if its really gonna kill the credibility of your university because the fucking coach of your basketball team (high salary or not) pecks some girl on the cheek with a natty light in his hand, then i think youve got bigger problems to deal with then firing some fucking lush. give me a break. so lets get this straight- if the beloved mark richt (near deity that his is) went out to fucking dinner with his wife at some relatively nice place say, and some fucking college coed is there too, maybe with her parents say, and she happens to have one of those disposable fucking cameras with her, so she gets mom to take a pictue with her and richt, with the coach maybe standing up, putting arm around girl, maybe with beer in hand. is he gonna be in deep shit? if so, then shit is out of control. sure maybe eutschy got really tanked, and maybe it was a student party, and hell maybe he even got in a fight with some fratties, slashed their tires, killed their cats, and (with three of his players, starters of course) runs a train on all of their girlfriends. well, then maybe hes out of control. but c'mon, all youve got right now is a couple pictures of buddy kissing cheeks. christ. cant the media come up with some fucking political scandal for a change, im sick of sports scandals. speaking of which, from the story on espn, mike price really come off looking like a moron in his situation. but even he should be free to fuck a whore every now and again i say; just so long as the cops dont bust in. once you break the law there coaches, youre on your own, d will not stick up for lawlessness, just drunken fun. me eat food now. start fire in kitchen. me rub 'em two sticks together. argh.
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# posted by derek : 5/1/2003 11:50:07 AM
Yes the D and his man whore hate are justly placed. However, the D does not know the inner turmoil of said man whoreing. Not only does the K respect the D's lack of ladies in his life but he also applauds his try at the longest sexual drought. Not only is sex the enemy to man but it is also the bane of my existence at this moment. Once you lose something due to your man whoreing you realize how much it meant. So with that being said D dont have sex you are much better with out it and for what its worth i bet you arent even any good at it. So yeah you fucking anger controlled undersexed 5 year old do you want a dog. i have recently come across one that i am afraid is bound to cause me problems. that is all -K-
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# posted by kenton : 5/1/2003 03:23:15 AM
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
so i laid in bed there for like 5 hours or so and didnt even come close to falling asleep. this is getting ridiculous. i am not even tired. but ive got a lot of shit to do today, so maybe i will wear myself out and be able to fucking sleep tonight. otherwise i will have to get really really drunk on thursday and pass out. but i dont want it to have to come to that. the getting drunk and passing out shouldnt be something i have to do, just something that happens on its own, a nature's will kind of thing.
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# posted by derek : 4/30/2003 07:51:20 AM
we shall also mention right quick here that the carlo never fucking cleans off the cheese grater thingie, which fucking drives me crazy.
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# posted by derek : 4/30/2003 01:31:43 AM
in an attempt to slow the onset of fat-old-mandom d has returned to the ramsey center for some late night basketball the last couple of evenings. the results so far- d has simply sped up the effects of just-plain-old-mandom, and has very sore joints and toes to show for it. however, the experiment isnt over. i assure you that i will keep making appearences at said locale, perhaps one day in the not to terribly distant future even exerting some effort at the offensive end of the court. this of course remains to be seen, and the shooting percentage will have to improve upon tonights abysmal statistic, which we shall not put on this page in an attempt to spare d's image further harm. for now, that is all. onward and upward i will go [to bed that is, or at least the bedroom, home to many a dazzling performance (and here we shall note that only porcupine stu, most stoic of gnomes, knows that i am lying; but he'll never tell)]
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# posted by derek : 4/30/2003 01:30:28 AM
Monday, April 28, 2003
*a note* this was so long when i first wrote it that i have since gone back and broken it up a bit. hopefully it will help the readability.well, lets recap. this weekend was indeed eventful, to say the least. we of course started saturday afternoon watching the old nfl draft, which isnt so spectacular in and of itself, but it is a good excuse to drink heavily starting at like noon or so. so that we did. soon of course there was ping pong playing on the table that was broken like the night before when carlson threw dawson through it (threw and through in the same sentence, what fun!), but of course that info is on the dl, because carlson told billy something different so as not to get into trouble. but so anyhow, the ping pong was going rather well for a while, and we were all getting very drunk to boot. so goodspeed and myself have one hell of a series going, best of five i believe, back and forth the whole time. and then there is this one point, a crucial one no doubt, that turns out to be like the most incredibly played point in the history of ping pong here, we're talking like chinese olympian caliber performances. so your boy d here wins the point finally after lunging one way, then the other on the return and finally playing a shot that barely catches the side of the table and drops off, unplayable for poor fever. and so of course pandemonium ensues after such a shot, and then the wesser decides to kick the table over, thus ending the game on such a high note. so by now of course we are all shitfaced and wes is pissed cause hes horny or something, or maybe we are out of beer and he wants to get to this party so bad, whatever, so we leave, stopping by wendys to make a scene before heading to this party. so finally we get there, and drink for a bit, and for a while everything looks to be okay, but we can all tell that the carlo is headed for disaster as he is talking to chicks (sign 1), has that look in his eye (sign 2), and is of course chris carlson (sign 3, the doozy). so this party is unlike any ive ever been to at uga in that its like 70% girls, and most of them are hot, and even though they are all sorority chicks there is like zero fratties around, which is very solid indeed. so ray and i start talking to a couple of girls, right, and shits going pretty well, though i know eventually this is headed straight down the toilet since im at this party with the clowns im with. so, needless to say, shit goes south pretty fucking quick when ray and wes and i dont even know who else start pouring beer all over each other and screaming 'look at this kid, he peed himself' and whatnot and scare any girls anywhere near us away. no good. so i quit, done with the females for the evening. so i go outside and just decide to kep drinking and watch the inevitable spectacle that will soon envelope the carlson. and it doesnt take long. within like ten minutes this kid is sitting in a lawnchair cackling like the drunkest man on the planet. and from here, things get really ugly. ray decides to get carlo all riled up, at which point carlo decides to start fighting with ray, which soon leads to ray actually getting pretty pissed off, shirts get ripped, people flea the immediate area; in short, the usual. so then this kid whos apparently decided to be the warden for this here party steps outside and tries some 'im so-and-so's best friend, and she wants yall to stop fighting or go home' to which carlo takes one hand off rays throat and points at this kid and screams 'hey, fuck off!' which goes over pretty well, all things considered, and so wes has to tell this kid to step off or things will really get ugly, and then weve got to try to get carlo to cut the fighting shit out, which he does, only to start with the marv albert impressions. now for those of you who havent heard carlsons drunk marv albert (which has made several appearances), it pretty much just goes like this- 'YESSSSSS' in a really drunk and loud and obnoxious voice. so hes doing this to fucking everbody that walks by, which granted isnt a lot of folks, because nobody in their right mind is gonna step out on the back porch with this bunch of assholes, but occassionally some unsuspecting girl from the apartment across the way will come by and get yelled at with the marv voice and maybe a screamed 'youre going home with me' as well. and this one poor girl wearing like aviator glasses kept hearing carlo call her 'blue-blockers' over and over again, which was really pissing her off, which was pretty funny, but still, uncalled for. so marv was around for thiry minutes easy, until sarah (carlo's friend, whose apartment it was, who had gone downtown, foolishly leaving carlo at her apartment with people who didnt know him) got home, and had to come outside and regulate. oh and i forgot to mention the impressive wes keg toss, backwards and over his head into the other yard. so sarah comes out and tells us that we cant be fighting and throwing kegs and shit or we have to leave, and of course we plead not guilty to all the counts mentioned above, and give her big puppy dog eyes and shit, so we get to stay for a couple more minutes, or just long enough for us to hear as the sliding glass door opened, 'carlson, thats not the way to talk to a lady' then the door shuts, and im damn near one hundred percent sure carlo probably responded with 'well i dont see any ladies here' (but this of course is speculation); and wes, laughing hysterically, falls off his chair as the girl hes talking to (who is according to the word on the street engaged to some other kid named wes, but who out professor wesser has made out with like the week before) gives him this i-cant-believe-you-just-said-that-to-me look and walks away; so wes asks her a couple minutes later if shes engaged and we hear her saying to sarah 'sarah am i engaged' as though apparently shes told wes that she isnt and he insists that she is. so anyhow, time to leave the party. the end of the night you say? oh no.a quick break to inform all that i am now listening to tom cochrane's 'life is a highway' which carlo and i downloaded onto dans computer and i promptly hid somewhere so he doesnt delete it before we burn it onto a cdback to our narrative here- so we get into the car to leave and encounter the old aggressive carlo, the one who insists on fighting, even though theres fucking five of us in the car. big problem, much fury, but we finally make it to the waffle house some of us with bite marks, some with bruises and some (me) just straight pissed off at carlsons sorry ass. so in the waho carlson still wont fucking simmer down, im about to fucking walk home, carlo's calling kids 'fatass' and such, which they can easily hear, and im just gonna let him get his ass kicked cause i dont care at this point. plus your boy old penis is there, the fucking kid from lipscomb hall who bought the goddamn lookouts hat well after i did and thus made me retire the hat for several months, and him and his posse of tools decide to start ripping on me as i stand at the car waiting for my posse of tools, which is a terrible idea because i am already super pissed and ready to get my ass kicked just so long as i am able to rip one of the little fuckers balls right off before the three of them overwhelm me. so finally we get in the car, one more disastrous encouter with two girls on the way out (blame it on the carlo), and then home. end of night? oh no. at this point carlo is more out of control than ever, laying down in my bed just to piss me off, still fighting with ray and dawson, attempting to leap over chairs with disastrous but hilarious results, and then of course the shaving cream battle, which was still very evident this morning, shaving cream all over the fucking house. and may i remind all of you that all of this occured in roughly a 15 or 16 hour time span, all hours including much alcohol consumption. i pause again, as i am virtually face to face with the worlds biggest spider, and i must kill it now, or never sleep peacefully again. please hold.holy shit was that awful. i looked for one of carlo's shoes to kill it with, but could find none. so (not wanting to ruin one of my shoes) i used the empty pizza box as a buffer and squished that fucker. ive left that bastards magled body on the floor in this computer room as a warning to any other eight legged bastards foolish enough to venture into my presence, and also so dan and carlson can verify its terrifyingly large size and reward me with a plaque or something to hang in a common area so all can be apprised of my unmatched valour.so, finishing up here, too much booze makes d a mad boy, especially when the carlo keeps hitting him in the back of the head in the car (similar to the biller and his fucking headbutts) and when ray and wesser have scared away the only cute chick to pay him any attention in weeks. but, fuck it i suppose, i was probably too drunk to get it up anyway, and i should also be saving myself for my hot teacher. so i leave you with these words- 'mr loverman; shabba; i know a girl; (much unintelligible nonsense)'- from shabba ranks "mr loverman"- another classic downloaded and hidden on dans computer. d is out. better shit to do than this nonsense; like hide from giant spiders. adios.
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# posted by derek : 4/28/2003 12:47:19 AM
Sunday, April 27, 2003
i have now sworn to never ever ever use a product or go to a web site that i get a pop up ad from. and i will soon be extending my firebombing campaign to include these entities.
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# posted by derek : 4/27/2003 11:48:51 PM
there is shaving cream all over the house, and my food has been getting eaten by people other than myself. the fury is going to be unleashed on someone. also, billy needs to stop trying to steal my toothpaste. no good billy. beer cans and bottles everywhere too. not happy. not happy at all. bed for me.
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# posted by derek : 4/27/2003 03:22:24 AM
first thing tomorrow morning i kill chris carlson. that fucking kid is out of control.
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# posted by derek : 4/27/2003 03:15:33 AM
Thursday, April 24, 2003
also, thought i'd share; just checked my aol account for mail (which is like a once a month phenomenon) and there was an email entitled 'having trouble with women?' which is funny, so of course i opened it, expecting porn or at least one of those 'meet singles in your area' types of things, but instead was invited to visit the following site- www.yourpeniswillgetbigger.com. yeah, that might be one of the funnier things ive ever seen. sadly, i did not visit the site. maybe later though.
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# posted by derek : 4/24/2003 03:49:07 PM
for the record-whoa there pal, with all this angry over nothing nonsense. i have never in my life seen someone who will began a reasonable conversation only to be sreaming his goddamn head off two minutes later like yourself. and we all know your sperm are scattered all over gods green earth. can you spell M-A-N-W-H-O-R-E. i thought not. whats this about your girlfriend dating a dad. thats kind of funny really. taste of your own medicine kind of thing i guess. still zero applications coming my way, but i did get an email the other day that said, and i quote, "fat girls never say no". unfortunately (i guess), i deleted that one. anyhow, countdown to drunken debauchery, roughly two hours and counting.
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# posted by derek : 4/24/2003 03:44:40 PM
SO its only taken the D 22 fucking years to decide that he needs a girl friend. Well DUH you fucking idiot. Did you ever wonder why you get so damn angry all the time over nothing. Im willing to bet that it's those angry little sperms trying their damndest to get out but oh no the D is a bachelor for life and thusly must supress the sperm for some strange reason. So in short get your self a damn girl friend. But be sure to treat her right once you get her b/c i damn sure didnt and now im regreting it. Oh and for the record If the D doesnt have a girlfriend by my birthday then im buying him a damn prostitute. that is all K
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# posted by kenton : 4/24/2003 01:42:02 PM
so heres the problem; its like 215 right now and im not tired at all. of course this is because i took like a three hour nap today, but thats just because i was so damn tired since i couldnt fall asleep until like five in the morning and had class at eight. so what we have here is a complete reversal of everything normal. i cannot sleep at night; i cannot fall asleep when its dark outside. instead it needs to be light, but not bright. overcast maybe. and its gotta be afternoon. this is no good. i like being awake during the day, it just doesnt jive with my bodys schedule now. anyway, so ive been looking at billboard.com and the charts from ten years ago, cause theyre funny. went to see my hot teacher during her office hours today. she wants me, i am sure of it. none of my roommates believe me, which is unfortunate, cause ill be doing the teacher soon. i have yet to recieve one application to date the chelf. this is troubling. ds fantasy baseball team is dead, the entire team is terrible. i shall drop everyone but ricky ledee soon. that is all. goodbye.
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# posted by derek : 4/24/2003 02:18:53 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
add this to my list of complaints against the university of georgia. this ticket lottery for away tickets is bullshit. of course it sucks to sit in fucking line for tickets for days on end, but at least the old system made sure that those who wanted the tickets the worst got the fucking tickets. this lottery is crap. how is it that i am a senior and am unable to get one of the forty thousand some odd tickets that this fine university gets to give out. this is crap. fuck alumni. the university should be catering to those of us who wil soon be alumni, not the dirty rednecks that graduated 20 years ago. so know this uga, you will recieve none of my fucking money once im gone. this has been the last straw.
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# posted by derek : 4/23/2003 11:23:44 PM
have now finished three more books- a prayer for owen meany- john irving; a heartbreaking work of staggering genius- dave eggers; and confederacy of dunces- john kennedy toole; now on to the dharma bums by kerouac. still just dont have enough to do with my time. the pearl jam concert was pretty damn solid, what with beef everywhere and doug peeing in cups and baba o'riley covers and whatnot. i have now downloaded the following song after eharing it on the simpsons this past sunday- i was made for loving you by kiss. very solid song. i also downloaded some james brown. a little less pissed about the ticket now, but hell will be raised if they think im gonna pay that fucker; jarons assistance may be needed as he got so much practice raising hell with parking services sophomore year. i have to explain my paper to my class tomoroow, the paper that is due in like ten days, the paper i havent yet started at all and in fact have lost the sheet with the topics on it, and thus will be completely winging it tomorrow and likely making things up as i go hoping that the topic i choose last minute will in fact be an acceptable topic. we shall see. its at 8 in the morning too, so i should be in top form. talib kweli is the best rapper that not enough people listen to. hes a badass. anyone that samples nian simone and al green is fucking cool as shit with me. this wekend i get absolutely obliterated by my good friend alcohol. should be fun. the sex drive i feared was dying has now returned with a vengeance, and does not seem to want to go away. so it seems that i will be actively seeking some young slut this weekend to help me out, you know. well see how that goes. probably, i will just get really drunk, pass out somewhere, and wake up in no mood to do anything but watch baseball. we shall see. i see on bet that another 50 cent song has risen to the top of the charts; god help us it wont remain there for three years like the last one. i used to like all of these songs, damn that mtv and the radio. leave it to mass media to turn a good thing bad, and hide all but that which theyve spoiled. heres another thing that irks me, frat boys in those ridiculous fucking short shorts. honestly, any girl i knows who finds this attractive shall no longer be able to count on me to find anything they say or think valid. perhaps the frat swagger (that i-do-believe-that-the-whole-world-would-like-to-look-at-me-in-all-my-glory-because-i-am-in-fact-gods-greatest-gift-to-man thing theyve got going) only magnifies my hatred for these characters and their short shorts, but so be it. they should be eliminated from this campus, if not for the shorts or the swagger, then for the simple fact that they get all the girls while me and my i-cant-believe-that-shit-works-snarl are all that the girls get to see, which aint exactly my best side. d's a big fan of the hyphen today- cant tell you why. also, i have no fucking idea what day it is lately. like ten minutes ago i thought it was thursday, then just then i thought it might be wednesday before deciding that it is in fact tuesday, or technically now i guess wednesday morning. but anyway, this whole days of the week concept has grown a bit too complex for me. this ticket thing may fuck me in that i have now waited entirely too long to register for classes and cannot have my records getting flagged this late before i register. no good. definitely firebombing those fuckers. i have now decided that i need a girlfriend, someone to take up some of my valuable but unfilled time, and of course someone to pick fights with me occasionally. not to mention that a little heavy petting would be cool too. so, any females wishing to apply may send their resumes to d's email address at magicnumber12@yahoo.com. i will be looking forward to tons of entries, like twos and threes of them.now its toto- hold the line. very underrated song if i do say so myself. it is now after one and i will stop typing for the moment. more later perhaps.
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# posted by derek : 4/23/2003 01:03:23 AM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
how sick am i of pop ups for fucking iraqi playing cards. the genius who came up with that idea deserves to be hit in the face with a shovel.
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# posted by derek : 4/22/2003 09:02:45 PM
yes, i am aware of the fact that i ripped on dan for neglecting his blogger thingie, and then posted nothing for over a week. but the fury is back in full force. 30 FUCKING DOLLARS!!! FOR PARKING IN AN EMPTY PARKING LOT AT SEVEN AT NIGHT FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!! goddamnit i hate this fucking university, and i especially hate those fucking vigilante parking nazi mother fuckers who walk around and give people tickets. dont you have anyhting better to do at fucking 7 oclock the write fucking parking tickets. and thirty fucking dollars, youve got to be kidding me. fucking horseshit. this has ruined my enitire fucking week. and of course its the day after i sent 94 fucking dollars off to that shithole known as carroll county for the last ticket. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! tomorrow i firebomb parking services.
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# posted by derek : 4/22/2003 09:00:40 PM
Monday, April 14, 2003
poor dans blogger site. suffering from neglect. pray for it.
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# posted by derek : 4/14/2003 12:33:14 AM
so have you ever tried to envision us as parents, i mean like all of your friends (holy chris bruce!) especially after remembering the previous nights drunken debauchery. like, take for instance the biller, who is already dad-like; god help his poor fucking kids who are destined to lead a life of chores and rules and shit, poor bastards. and then theres doug, and i just cant wait to see how fucked up his kids turn out; theyll probably be constantly shaking, for fear of getting caught up in one of dougs all too familiar firestorms, and with names like gehrig and hospitality or whatever the fuck hes gonna name em, theyre gonna end up gay and get pummeled in school never come anywhere near the second base where doug hopes they make a living. and then theres carlson, whos child will likely serve two purposes and two purposes only; beer fetcher, and human remote. and im sure my children will be equally screwed up, but they will at least inherit my best genes; those allowing one to never lose an argument, and to be able to parallel park a dump truck in a six foot space. course theyll probably also run around with knives and flame throwers terrorizing the neighbors, but leaving the pets alone. gotta love that. all the while ill be tacking my brilliant finger paintings to the walls and eating ice cream cause its too hot to go outside and chase the kids, or even scream at them for that matter. hot weather sucks.
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# posted by derek : 4/14/2003 12:31:24 AM
i wish the motherfucker that invented pop-up adds and has caused me thousands of instances of fury due to pop-up related freeze ups would die a horribly slow and indescribably painful death. i hate that asshole.
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# posted by derek : 4/14/2003 12:21:54 AM
Friday, April 11, 2003
for the record, dawson pushing carlsons ass down in the street last night was fucking hilarious. then carlson proceeding to yell at everyone that went by was also hilarious. its bad when even the bums are laughing at you.
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# posted by derek : 4/11/2003 10:20:43 PM
2/3 of a keg is a solid 60 beers. in three stright days thats 20 a day right? no way you can do 20 a day for three straight days. no way. i still doubt.
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# posted by derek : 4/11/2003 10:19:34 PM
Thursday, April 10, 2003
you could do 2/3 of a keg in three solid days of drinking thank you so fuck off you doubter
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# posted by kenton : 4/10/2003 03:36:40 PM
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
youll notice that the post below is kenton's. and i have no idea what it means. i can speculate, but ill leave you to do that yourself.
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# posted by derek : 4/8/2003 02:19:30 PM
You gotta push the bush.
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# posted by kenton : 4/8/2003 06:15:12 AM
Sunday, April 06, 2003
heres a bit of advice. if you have to pay for your groceries with food stamps, 1) dont eat all of the shit before you even get out of the store, and 2) dont buy little goddamn bags of mini chips ahoy. see heres the thing, youre using fucking food satmps so youre obviously hurtin for money, so if you really need to buy cookies to brighten your bleak days, buy bigger fucking bags and ECONOMIZE!!!! if you werent so fucking stupid maybe youd have real money to buy shit with. plus, by confusing the hell out of the cashier you cost me a valuable 15 minutes of my life. i could have been at home eating my publix sub instead of waiting behind you in line. and thats another thing, publix aint all that fucking cheap. go sign up for a fucking kroger plus card for free, and get cheaper groceries with your food stamps. cmon folks. it aint that tough. (and as a side note, she had one little kid in the cart, and one huge ass pregnant stomach. stop spawning until youve got the funds to do so.) im really sick of school work too. cant i just come to class and have that be sufficient. none of these damn speeches and quizzes and tests and shit. youre killing me school.
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# posted by derek : 4/6/2003 10:55:10 PM
Thursday, April 03, 2003
blitzkreig, just another entry to d's random word index. still drunk. synonomous. slatternly. habitual. breakfast. open-toed. that is all for now.
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# posted by derek : 4/3/2003 01:52:39 AM
so the theresa most definitely sent me an email, which pleases me greatly, especially since i was completely unaware that anyone read this thingie at all, and was mostly posting for my own narcissistic benefit. however, i will have you know that 1). i am drunk and 2). wait i forgot, hold on... oh yes 2b). she sent me a lovely quote (wow, i typed that word *quote* once already and it turned out really badly so i had to try again), and i will soon be adding several quotes from people more famous than myself, simply because at least at that point somebody else can assist me in expresing to the world just how much smarter i am than the average mortal. if none of this makes sense, im sorry, and please refer to #1 above. now i will go eat frozen burritos and watch my taped dave chappelle show and prepare for tomorrows hangover. and its only wednesday.
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# posted by derek : 4/3/2003 01:49:39 AM
why must every goddamn light in the house be on when i come home at night.and a classic fever quote, i should explain that he was talking to a girl who had just come back from studying abroad: "so when you were in japan, did you see a lot of karate in the streets?"
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# posted by derek : 4/3/2003 01:38:08 AM
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
whats more ridiculous than seeing 40 or so fratties all congregating at some house in my neighborhood; seeing that every last one of them drives a truck or suv and have lined them up all the way down the street. honestly, is it too much to ask for just one fucking frat boy to drive a fucking volvo, or maybe a honda civic, or even a big old ghetto cutlass, or how about a pontiac sunfire, or best of all a geo metro. seriously, why do their parents buy them big nice trucks. that shit just pisses me off. "would you call your country a cunt, then dont call my fraternity a frat." yeah, ive actually heard one of them say that shit before.
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# posted by derek : 4/2/2003 04:29:46 PM
the hair is gone. damn near all of it. certainly no mullet left. but it was fun while it lasted i suppose. so, since im bored, waiting for my clothes to wash, and holy lord did i have a lot of clothes that needed washing, but anyhow, since im bored i have decided to list all of the books ive read since last summer, minus of course anything class related, cause i dont read that shit anyway. why, well why not. plus it will make me look all that much smarter and more well read, so humor me here, and deal with it. in no particular order.infinite jest- david foster wallacecarter beats the devil- glen david goldshe's come undone- wally lambtwelve- nick mcdonellskinny legs and all- tom robbinsclosing time- joseph hellerfranny and zooey- jd salingerone hundred years of solitude- gabriel garcia marquezeven cowgirls get the blues- tom robbinsthe world according to garp- john irvingthe broom of the system- david foster wallaceheart of darkness- joseph conradraise the roofbeams carpenters and seymour:an introduction- jd salinger(those were all in france)god bless you mr rosewater- kurt vonnegutslapstick- kurt vonnegutcats cradle- vonnegut (again)a supposedly fun thing ill never do again- david foster wallacebrief interviews with hideous men- wallacethe bridge of san luis rey- thorton wilderthe sun also rises- ernest hemingwaya seperate peace- john knowles (again)1984- george orwell (finally)the catcher in the rye- salinger (again)nine stories- salinger (all nine)the cider house rules- john irvingpastoralia- george saundersof mice and men- john steinbeck (also finally)lost in the funhouse- john barthmatchstick men- eric garciaand now im starting a prayer for owen meany by john irving soon to be followed by william gaddis's a frolic of his own.so there. done with that. now back to laundry.
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# posted by derek : 4/2/2003 12:03:31 AM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
necromancer too. thats another good random word.
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# posted by derek : 4/1/2003 06:05:08 PM
i think phase three begins today. also, doug and jamil need to stop trading nothings like shawn estes for darren dreifort. ridiculous.40 degrees yesterday, 75 today? cmon weather, youre killin me.totem. twist. and. hemoglobin. well that was fun.
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# posted by derek : 4/1/2003 06:04:48 PM
ah, france and america. theyre like that old married couple that cant stand each other anymore because theyve grown so similar and stubborn. i think its kind of cute. thats right. cute.
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# posted by derek : 4/1/2003 06:01:41 PM
oh, the fury can hardly be contained. lets try to add this up right quick. in a 55 mile per hour zone, and im doing 11 over. and the fucking fine is 93 dollars and 75 cents. youve got to be fucking kidding me. that is the most outrageous number ive ever heard. fuck you carroll county. fuck you you fat piggy officer. honestly, shouldnt you be eating donuts and drinking coffee at 2:30 in the morning, not hassling me. fury. next time i go to carroll county im gonna get drunk and pee on a cop car.p.s. this post got deleted and compounded the fury for a minute there. i was about to do something rash, but luckily for all parties involved, dans computer recover my post. im trying to calm down now.
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# posted by derek : 4/1/2003 02:03:55 PM
Friday, March 28, 2003
i cant do it anymore. i cant sit in another fucking class where we sit around and talk about fucking war all day. people are just too goddamn stupid. i cant deal with listening to another mother fucker storm out of the classroom screaming "you fucking liberals can stay liberals" or the point counterpoint of "if clinton had any balls" and "if bush hadnt been given the election", bookended by some stupid ass sorostitute rambling on about god knows what due to the fact that even she was bound to confuse herself as she wouldnt think before shed speak. jesus christ people, is it impossible to have a rational conversation betwwen opposing viewpoints, or must it always beome liberal versus conservative bullshit. also, i feel the need to type out what i wanted to scream at some of these assholes as they bitched back and forth about haliburton oil interests versus humanitarian aid and whatnot. anti-war does not equal liberal does not equal democrat. pro-war does not equal conservative does not equal republican. christ buddy, all youve done by screaming "you liberals can stay liberals" is given me a fucking blueprint of exactly what you think about everything. pigeonhole yourself a little bit more please. be pro-war be anti-war, whatever, i dont give a damn, but please can we avoid the namecalling, and not storm out of the classroom like a six year old told to share when somebody calls you out on the fact that you cant listen to the other side of the argument without interupting and screaming shit like "we wouldnt be over there bombing them if they werent running planes into buildings..." i cant take it anymore. stupid people shouldnt be allowed to speak in sentences of more than four words. my conquest to rid the world of the misinformed will begin shortly, just as soon as i calm down. in other news, papa johns cheese sticks are fuckin good. that is all. good day sir.
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# posted by derek : 3/28/2003 12:00:06 PM
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
yes, its true, the moron now has access to this blogger account, but will be monitored closely and most likely eventually kicked right off. just so you know. keep your eyes peeled for who posts what, as his opinions dont necessarily reflect the opinions of this individual or any other and may actually be completely oposite that of most educated individuals. that is my disclaimer.
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# posted by derek : 3/26/2003 02:24:29 AM
so here goes another all nighter, after the completion of the fantasy baseball draft, which will surely be the stepping off point for yet another successful run at the title and a fully stocked bar as the result. still waiting on my plaque from the first year though. proof of my superiority. toms team looks good though. kind of like the mets though, no outfield whatsoever. i am now downloading justin timberlake songs. gonna be a long night. clipse kinda sounds like ma$e. especially the one dude, pusha t i think. you people should listen to more rap. i honestly dont hate timberlakes new shit. dont tell anybody though. i think its mostly the production. still, dont tell anybody. rock music has gone stale for the most part if you ask me. its dead. or dying at least. sad. remeber buckcherry, werent they suposed to bring rock back. whatd they have, one hit? im gonna download it. lit up. any song in which timbaland appears for short little clips is very solid. same with the neptunes. pharrell should always sing on the shit he produces. thats all for now. much more to come.
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# posted by derek : 3/26/2003 02:20:39 AM
Kenton-If you can find me anyone worthy of me giving my respect and compassion to at this point i will give you a dollar per person. I hate everyone so much right now i think im going to have to kill someone. Starting with System of a fucking down. we dont give a shit what Armenians think of our war over seas you stupid fucks. over im out THE KENTON
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# posted by kenton : 3/26/2003 02:19:32 AM
Monday, March 24, 2003
here at 25 riverhill drive, town of athens, toilet paper goes for a dollar a roll on the black market. just ask dan, the warden. he'd have paid more if ida made him wait. lucky for you dan i have some compassion left. the end. blah.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 11:34:47 PM
i beg to differ
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 11:17:34 PM
still working on that whole consolidated thought thing. but i figure the shorter the thought, the more there are, and the more pennies i may get. heres one for free- bottled water is way overrated. so are rice cakes. ah yes- and making d's most overrated list in the world of music- u2, the beatles, bruce springsteen. ill think of more. radiohead. more on the way, promise.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 07:09:29 PM
rick majerus looks like that thing from spawn. the fat ugly thing. that thing scares me.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 07:04:38 PM
'ill never be your beast of burden, my back is broke, but itsa hurtin, all i want for you to make love to me'
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 07:03:42 PM
in the future i promise to consolidate my thoughts into one post instead of three seperate ones. for now, deal with it.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 02:42:36 PM
why couldn't eminem have been at the oscars to accept his award. honestly, you'd think the academy could have had him via satelite at least to spice up the broadcast, maybe play point counterpoint with michael moore. stupid ass oscars. next year i watch 'independance day' on fox, or whatever jeff goldblum movie they decide to run.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 02:41:54 PM
and with the first pick in the fantasy baseball draft tomorrow i will be taking terry shumpert. im telling you, he'll blow up in l.a. huge stats. huge. 2nd pick. marquis grissom. and rounding out the top three, greg colbrun cause "he'll make the bag one day". seriously sam, howd you place the last two years? moron.
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# posted by derek : 3/24/2003 02:38:53 PM
Sunday, March 23, 2003
damn you xavier
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# posted by derek : 3/23/2003 08:09:05 PM
alright, well, its late and i aint got shit to do so i shall proceed to type away for only my own benefit, since im pretty sure nobody else actually reads this shit anyway. but here goes, spring break- doug and i decide to go to florida to see your boy vag and to check out some spring training in orlando and whatnot. solid idea right? well the haitian... again i just dont know. the kid has lost his mind completely amongst the supect crowd that inhabit gainesville florida. shaving of chest, growth of somewhat large looking pube fro, and application of some mud mask shite before going to bed. i couldnt believe my eyes. didnt know that the vag could become more vag-like, but apparently nothing can stop the haitian from fulfilling his destiny as a gator loving piece of shit. i should digress here to say that i remember a day when raul would scream his head off at florida fans and go absolutely sketch threatening to beat their ass in jacksonville. he now revels in gator paraphenalia. a pink florida hat for christ sakes. shirts that say i hate georgia. just wait til i post the pictures. watch out there haitian, dan is headed down to gainesville to tear your head off. anyhow, moving on. so we go to spring training, check out the clubhouse, seveal of the players proceeded to rip doug for being a worthless homosexual, i had to rip jason marquis on his byu in the tournament pick (which im not so sure he liked, but fuck him, byu lost didnt they), and we got the hell out of orlando at like 3 or so. so we go out that night for st paddys day. covers at bars? what the hell is that all about. cmon u of f, let me into the bar for free please, what a load. anyhow, so gainesville is officially the horniest place on earth. i really didnt know that there was a place on earth where not only was it not frowned upon to grab a random girls arm as she passed you in the bar, but where this actually would be a successful strategy for getting a piece. unfortunately, at the time of my trip, i couldnt compete with the ridiculous amount of hormones around me, and quite frankly just didnt want to, even though there were a lot of really hot chicks at the old u of f, but anyway, to sum up, i went home and passed out on raul's horribly uncomfortable floor. the fifteen pound barbells were comfortable right underneath my really shitty pillow though at least. so anyhow, after a couple days of this, we had about had enough, and the haitian had to get back to class and whatnot, so we left. i managed to convince doug that biloxi was an unnecessary stop, especialy as i couldnt possibly swing it on top of speeding ticket, flat tire, and other expenses like rent and food and money owed already. so straight home, where i have sat on my butt and watched basketball for days on end now. if syracuse gets beat i will be very upset. if kentucky bows out as well, i will stop watching altogether. the dave chappelle show has reached another milestone in funny with its skit about racist animals in showbiz, such as mr. ed, rin tin tin, and of course flipper who is apparently known to those of the black community as james the nigger hatin dolphin. just classic material there folks. of course the big dolphin head in the pool chasing the black swimmers away made it even funnier, so maybe you had to see it, but still, classic. so the music for the week includes- chris thomas king, the dude from o brother where art thou, who mixes like blues and rap and shit. its funky. citzen cope- kind of bluesy pop rockish shit. and the streets- britsh rap, which takes a little getting used to. and ive decided that borders is a better place to find anything that isnt played on mtv than is any best buy or media play or anything. those stores have officially pissed me off. im done here.
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# posted by derek : 3/23/2003 01:39:51 AM
Saturday, March 22, 2003
oh yes, and lest i forget, the haitian... i can only shake my head and wonder how he came to this. his current state is appalling. pictures will follow eventually.
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# posted by derek : 3/22/2003 05:07:39 PM
so i have been slacking. sorry. spring break and all. ill write a nice long post here soon. but for now i must simply ask, why does mtv insist on running war related programming. and also, did anyone catch the lord knows how many consecutive war is bad type videos they showed the other day. fuck you mtv. stay the fuck out of politics and just play that fucking 50 cent video one more time for good measure. if i turn to mtv one more time and see some damn mtv news update telling me what is happening in iraq i may just go to new york and blow the network right off the face of the earth. if i want news, ill turn to a news channel. you mtv need to shut the fuck up and remember what the m in mtv stands for. music, i thought, not fucking bullshit politics.
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# posted by derek : 3/22/2003 05:06:27 PM
Monday, March 10, 2003
goddamn stupid mother fucking gay bastard ass georgia fucking basketball. why cant you just wait til after the fucking goddamn postseason before you fuck your shit up. fury, fury, and more fucking fury. i fucking hope the whole team declares for the draft and then jarvis hayes refuses to sign a pro contract just because i now have no desire to ever watch any basketball whatsoever associated with the university of georgia. fucking stupid ass bastards. now i have to route for fucking lsu in the tournament. fuck lsu. kentucky rules. and the fury will go watch a fucking press conference now. mike adams can lick my left one.
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# posted by derek : 3/10/2003 05:10:29 PM
oh yes, i feel i should say something positive, so here goes. my 88 on my midterm in ethnic american lit has led me to believe that studying is indeed overrated as i did none of it. so how the high b? well, i listened to "stairway to heaven" before taking the test of course, and so it seems that it still works after all (we shall look past the 72 in african american studies, as stairway and AFAM 2000 dont really seem to jive, you know). so there you go, my positive for the day- no more studying. instead i can watch tv and eat and occasionally go outside and play basketball and throw my roommates shit in the river and hope they dont notice. so far so good on that one.
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# posted by derek : 3/10/2003 11:39:46 AM
is there anyhting more infuriating than a chainsaw right outside your window at 8am when youve got a god-awful hangover from the previous nights shenanigans. d votes no. nothing is worse. oh, except realizing that you have to drive to class to get away from the fucking chainsaw. i think i was still drunk. it was no good. also no good is the lack of internet at the chateau (d's house)- leaving me to suffer here in the university computer lab, a depressing place if ever ive seen one. in other news, i now wholeheartedly endorse the younger chelf's blogger page, even if it is only 3 entries long. it is nevertheless too funny to deal with in the presence of the other sketchcases here in the computer lab. i am now that fucking kid who laughs while sitting there staring at the computer screen, the one who you want to throw something at so he'll shut the fuck up. a snippet you ask for? well here you go- "Ok that being said this kid Poonie McGhee as i call him chooses to wear his most godawful sleeveless shirt to class. bad enough right? Nope. Along with his overly homo attire he chooses to wear a matching visor since the sun is hidden behind clouds and could in no way impaire him from hitting his boyfriend in the dark depths of his GAY FUCKING ASS. But it doesnt stop there about halfway through class this fucking moron chooses to turn the visor upside down and backwards. now he appears to be funneling something on to his overly spiked hair. I was so taken aback by this kid that i just had to leave the class. Now that story brings me to this point. Why were hats created in the first place? Im saying it was to keep the fucking sun out of your eyes, not to wear on a cloudy day so you can look like a fire ball wating to happen you flaming little shit." it seems that rather than writing the blog thingie here to vent, the lesser chelf uses it as a tool to make himself even madder than when he started, which is just fucking hilarious in that it makes no sense. maybe doug gets it though. anyhow, a link-http://www.kentonchelf.blogspot.comso there you are. i will now go home and eat something. the eggs will go bad soon, so maybe those. my big toe is bleeding. adieu.
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# posted by derek : 3/10/2003 11:35:49 AM
Thursday, March 06, 2003
yep, so i have apparently found the slowest computer on the face of this earth, and it is here in the uga computer lab at meorial hall; number 28. steer clear. why, you ask, are you in the uga computer lab. well friends, the house damn near blew up last night after one hell of a lightning strike, and all cable and thus internet capabilities were lost. and since i needed to drop this class i have today, and leave my teusdays and thursdays open henceforth, on to campus i had to come. plus the house is the most boring place on earth once the tv and internet are taken away, and theres only so much reading one man can do in two days time. really there no more to that story. i plan on getting incredibly drunk over the next few nights, so athens beware. also, the novel is 26 typed pages and counting. in other news, i am afraid i can no longer watch uga basketball games due to the fact that they are entirely to stressful to watch and i will either destroy something in my house or just blow the fuck up myself the next time i see chris daniels go up for the rebound only to have it slip through his hands and become an instant layup for the opposing team. i just cant deal with it anymore. i also cant deal with this ridiculously fucking slow computer anymore, so im out of this joint.
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# posted by derek : 3/6/2003 02:53:26 PM
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
d's fashion rule #68- NO FUCKING FLIP FLOPS WITH LONG KHAKI PANTS! you look fucking ridiculous pal.
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# posted by derek : 3/4/2003 11:20:34 PM
okay, so this was bothering me in class today.why do we write dates out month/date/year. it makes no fucking sense, and here is why. see, it seems that the reson for putting numbers on days and months and shit is to be able to put them in order right. so this whole orderthing is fucked up as far as just straight numbers go. 030403 would be today, the fourth of march, 2003. and 040303 would be april 3, in which case april 3 is higher than march 4 number-wise which makes sense. but in january shit gets fucked up. 010204 for next year, jan 2 is a lower number than this years march 4 which makes no fucking sense at all. so here is my proposal. we change it all up and now do dates by year/month/day, which is more fucking logical anyway. day/month/year is also no good. but with my new system 030304 is less than 030403 and 040102, which makes everything make way more sense. that is all.
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# posted by derek : 3/4/2003 05:07:49 PM
Friday, February 28, 2003
oh yes, doug did inform me that the jewish michael jordan apparently couldnt hack it in college basketball here in the states as his coach was mean to him or something, and he is now playing in israel's professional leagues (?). thats it.oh yeah, and west virginia. jeopardy answer.
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# posted by derek : 2/28/2003 10:20:15 PM
well, its official. doug childers is the biggest fucking moron on the planet. lets recap. so we are watching jeopardy, a bit inebraited ill admit. but, so anyway, the final jeopardy question is asking for the biggest and smallest states to become states in the nineteenth century. so obviously texas is the biggest right. well, doug childers blurts out missouri. okay, fair enough, hes just mistaken, or maybe a little stupid for his oversight. but no, he refuses to let it go and just deal with being wrong. he insists that when missouri became a state its western boundary was nonexistant, it simply continued west indefinitely, or at least to the pacific. he explains that siince no one is living there, and manifest destiny and all, there is no western border, just a vast western 'missouri' expanse. now first of all there was that whole 'indian' factor (and no i will not use the term 'native fucking american' as well as some mexican types out there somewhere. but anyhow, the fact of the matter is this. anyone with any kind of sense at all understands that that vast expanse was not missouri, whther it was obtained at the same time or not. now i may be drunk and thus unable to put together a better argument to prove the kid is an idiot than what i have just put forth right now, but please. ask him about it, i gaurantee he will stick to his guns and make some bogus fucking point trying to salvage some dignity, even after looking on the internet and seeing for himself how wrong he was. yeah, so that is all for now. doug childers is the fucking dumbest man alive. shit, if jaron slattery even knows you are wrong, then youve got problems my friend. red sox fans know nothing. i will go drink more beer now. farewell.
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# posted by derek : 2/28/2003 10:18:46 PM
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
yeah, so does anyone know what happened to that fucking kid that was supposed to be the jewish michael jordan. we here at the chateau have been wondering for a while now. that is all i suppose. go to doug's site. he is better at ranting furiously than i will ever be. http://dougchilders.blogspot.com i'll study now or something.
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# posted by derek : 2/26/2003 04:23:11 AM
so the fury is in full force my friends. yes thats right, i had written one wonderfully long and inspried entry for this here blogger dealy, but of course the computer decided to fuck me and erased the whole thing. absolutely unacceptable. but like theprofessional that i am, i am now climbing back in the saddle to bless you with more sketchness. so to start, the story of d's weekend. here goes. it is the story of a boy.so d is a very bored boy on a Friday afternoon and desperately needs something to do. unfortunately for our pal d the only people around are the carlo (d’s worthless roommate) and his equally worthless friend goodspeed (brennan hay, who some of you may know, the same brennan hay who called the cops and hung up on the night of the super bowl, resulting in a super fucking fiasco; anyhow, I digress). so to spice up the evening, the three decide to go see a movie. however, what fun is a movie without everyone’s favorite fourth friend, beer. so the boys meet up with beer just in time for one hell of a power hour before the movie starts. so there is drinking, and then of course the time arrives to leave for the movie. but of course d cant leave his friend beer behind, so he tucks beer into his front pocket of his hooded sweatshirt and off they go. so far so good. beer is very excited to get the opportuinity to see a movie, however old officer hardass at the theater aint really feeling the idea of beer seeing a movie. so he tells the three gents they can either take the ticket hes all set to give them or get the fuck out of the theater. after mulling the situation over for a moment (seven dollar movie ticket vs cops ticket), the three amigos decide to head home. beer unfortunately gets detained. after a failed attempt to get into the theater through the "out" door, its back home to reassess the nights situation. well d of course is entirely too restless at this point and decides he must go downtown and reunite with beer. at this point however, the only person in any kind of shape to drive is the biller (recently returned to the chateau (which is how i will be henceforth referring to my house here in athens) but refusing to cooperate with d's planned reunion). so now d is not happy, so he goes and sits down in front of the computer screen to write furious emails to people and sees that brandy (of avignon association, not miss brandy crawford of creswell association) is signed on to the im. so d bothers her for a ride. while she thinks it over her phone rings and it is of course our boy d refusing to let her weasle out of this one. so eventually she folds and agrees to give d a ride downtown. solid, right. well apparently d has overestimated his so-called 'friends' attempts to be cool mother fuckers and cannot get any of them to pick up the phone and is seeing none of them downtown, excpet beer of course, beer is always the reliable friend. right, so moving along here, d calls catherine (also of avignon association) who does pick up her phone, and who even more surprisingly, tells d where she is headed downtown! so d of course manages to stumble to this named location and proceeds to plop right down at the bar and continue his lengthy conversation with his boy beer, also conversing meanwhile with the drunk kids who wobble into the bar occassionally and take pity on the weird kid sitting by himself at the bar. but anyhow, after taking a free shot or two from those at the bar, d notices catherine tapping him on the shoulder and climbs down of his throne to converse with his old friend from france. well anyhow to make a long story short(er), d eventually mmoves on, loses track of everyone he knows downtown, and decides its time to go home. so he calls every mother fucker he knows and this time theres really nobody picking up the fucking phone. no good. i should take this time to explain that it is an easy 6 miles or so from d's house downtown and at this point the only option is one hell of a hike. so d starts to walk. and of course, murphy's law being what it is, it starts to rain. so now d is pretty much just laughing hysterically at the thought of walking 6 fucking miles or so in the rain, and is seriously considering just cashing on a bench at the tate center, when old johnny mccoy's name pops into his head as the last son of a bitch d has yet to call. and thankfully, someone picked up the phone and agreed to come pick poor wet drunk d up. johnny mccoy was not to thank as he slept soundly through the entire ordeal. but d did get home, and passed the fuck out, only to wake up the next day and go watch two movies for the price of one just to stick it to the man at the theater. so i suppose the moral of the story is this- dont trust your friends for shit because for all they care you could be passed the fuck out on a bench at the tate center all cold and wet and shit. i suppose one could also argue that the moral should be something along the lines of not sneaking beer into the theater and the whole ordeal could be avoided, but that is nonsense as i do not leave my friends (especially ones as tasty and intoxicating as beer) sitting alone in a cold wet environment like dowtown athens or the refrigerator. anyhow i will be done now. that is that. clearly i am in the midst of an all-nighter. thus these long rambling stories about nothing. you people should download cody chesnutt songs. hes a badass. also the dave chappelle show is the greatest show on television. if you dont agree you are an idiot. thats all there is to that. goodbye.
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# posted by derek : 2/26/2003 04:06:12 AM
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
so here it begins, inspired by doug and his never ending stream of fury. of course d had to get in on the action (and yes for much of my time here i shall be referring to myself in the third person). so rejoice mere mortals, as you can start from the beginning, this very first entry into d's own list of grievances, gripings, and of course infuriating observances. this of course is not to say a cheerful thing or two will not be posted from time to time, but c'mon, seriously, who the fuck wants to read about how wonderful i thought the sky looks tonight, or how i looked into her eyes and longed to be with her... yadda yadda. give me a fucking break. so i will warn you now, expect profanity (its what i do best), as well as very probably some drunk postings when no one will answer their phones and ive been kicked out of the movies for trying to sneek booze in (friday), as well as just some shit that makes no sense at all and that i am likely to be typing to fill the time cause i just ant got enough to do. so there. thats done. more to follow.
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# posted by derek : 2/25/2003 12:40:21 AM